Navigating long-distance family visits
With COVID restrictions lightening throughout the country, it’s a good time to share a few tips for navigating long-distance family visits. I’ve just returned from visiting extended family in Oregon, nearly 2,000 miles from my home in Alaska. One of the primary reasons for my visit was to see my mom and step-dad in their assisted living home and to coordinate various activities.
Over nearly four decades of long-distance family relationships, I’ve learned to approach family visits with a lot of grace. Recognizing I’m part of an imperfect family helps me sow seeds of love, rather than getting caught up in what could easily become family drama.
Here are five tips to help you navigate family relationships near and far! You may find them especially useful for long-distance family visits, particularly if you haven’t had the opportunity to visit for a while.
1. Plan activities & go with the flow
Having a few activities planned gives you something to look forward to and helps you relax. I typically plan a few meals out with various family members, knowing this will give us time to visit over good food. I also try not to schedule too tightly, leaving room for impromptu activities.
On my latest trip, my aunt and I spent a day photographing wildflowers and wildlife on a nearby prairie. And, I spent another day driving through the woods with my brother and sister-in-law. We located a remote spot on the river that my dad particularly loved and fulfilled his wish by spreading some of his ashes there. Now that we’ve found it, we’ll return with other family members to enjoy this space.
2. Communicate in advance
If you’re the one traveling, be sure to communicate when you’ll arrive and leave, and what time you have available. Be prepared with a list of things you’d like to do and ask them for suggestions as well.
Getting details confirmed well in advance helps you and other family members work through any differences of opinion. Plus, you’ll avoid unnecessary arguments if everyone knows that you’ll be with mom on Tuesday and sister Susie on Wednesday!
3. Consider personalities and time constraints
Knowing the family personalities helps you schedule activities and timing. While it may be more convenient to schedule one big outing, I’ve learned that this overwhelms many individuals — and can be taxing to coordinate.
Plus, some family members prefer 1:1 time while others love to interact in larger groups. If you have the time and resources, arrange to visit with individuals, couples or smaller family groups separately. And, be sure to check with individual family members on their work schedules and/or available time.
4. Allow for down time during your visit
Everyone needs some down time, but introverts especially need to replenish their energy. If you’re an extrovert, take note of the introverts in the family and give them space. You’ll find the quality of your interactions much better when more introverted family members get their down time.
If you’re an introvert, remember to take care of yourself. Schedule in time to go for a walk, read a book, or whatever feeds your soul. Consider where you’re staying also — you may find that staying at a hotel or quieter family member’s place allows you to interact more gracefully!
5. Accept family members in their imperfection
We’re all imperfect and as much as we’d like to tell other family members where they’re going wrong or could do better, this rarely works. You might not have handled a situation in the same way, spent money the way they did, or treated another family member “like that” — but sharing your opinion usually only fans the flames.
If you feel you need to speak truth into someone else’s life, it’s often helpful to ask them questions, such as “have you thought about …?” And certainly, if asked for your thoughts, share your experiences and perspectives! Allowing family members the space to make their own mistakes without a great deal of judgement is a fine art and one of the most difficult things to do with imperfect families.
Have fun navigating your long-distance family visits!
If nothing else, this pandemic has taught us to appreciate time together with loved ones. But families can also be tricky — and the dynamics may require you to be patient. Just remember, you’re not the only one with a family that’s a bit weird, and quirky, and maybe even frustrating at times.
But, if you can accept the imperfection — see past it, or through it, you’ll often find that your imperfect family knows you and loves you the best they can. And if you’re lucky, that’s just good enough!
If you’re also caring for aging parents …
Here are a few links you may find helpful:
This is great! So many good tips. I definitely have learned that as an introvert I need to have some space, even when on family vacations.
Introverts unite, yes — I find it’s such a balance of time together and time to process all the togetherness!