It’s a moment in time that every parent appreciates: our kids are successfully making their own lives. And, miraculously, our kids appreciate US and enjoy spending time together.

Here’s a little bit about our journey of memory making! And, I wrap it up with a few tips for making your own memories with your young adults. (And I hope you’ll share your tips in the comments below!)

It’s been a journey

I’ve loved every phase of life with our girls. I’ve loved watching them learn and grow — and I’ve practiced letting go, almost from the day they were born.

Letting go wasn’t always an easy process for me — or for them. But it’s a necessary process. And, we’ve entered a phase where it’s not a power struggle.

I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.

We made a lot of memories along the way

In every phase of life, my husband and I work hard to create memories. We love to travel and we love the outdoors, nature and being active. And we love Alaska.

When the girls were young, we had a rustic cabin in the foothills of Denali, the tallest peak in North America. We spent many weekends there, and the girls adapted life off the grid, complete with a generator, no running water, and an outhouse.

They learned to ride snowmobiles and ATVs, ski on the lake, navigate in a sturdy john boat with a small “kicker,” and paddle the canoe or paddleboat. We sold that cabin as the girls got older, but now, nearly 10 years later, we have a new one with a few more amenities. (My criteria included that we could drive to it, and turn on a light switch and a faucet.)

Both ordinary and extraordinary …

Some of my most favorite memories are simple activities, full of life, laughter and love. Baking cookies or a cake, making meals together, celebrating birthdays. Watching a swim meet, soccer game, or musical performance. Riding bicycles, taking the dogs for a walk, going on a hike or to the zoo.

We’ve also taken numerous trips throughout Alaska, the United States and even internationally. Traveling together, seeing new places, and learning about life in other cultures expands our minds and broadens our perspectives.

Making memories with young adults

So now we’re transitioning to making memories with young adult children. We’ve been lucky to have our kids in the same town. And yes, I appreciate how fortunate we are to have proximity!

But we’re wise enough to know that life brings changes. And when our oldest daughter married a military man last fall, we knew change would come. So, we cherish these days with extra attention, knowing that in a few short months, these two will fly farther from the nest.

As I reflect on the past few months and this past weekend, I’ve noticed a few things. And, I want to share these observations for those of you also parenting young adults.

Tips for making memories with your young adult children

So now your kids have successfully (for the most part) launched, how do you continue making memories?

1. Schedule time together! Young adults lead busy lives. Remember those days? Whether your kids are working, in college, hanging out with friends, or even starting families — they have full calendars! If you’re waiting for the stars to align, you may never get together.

2. Plan fun outings and experiences. For example, last weekend we went on a guided fishing charter, caught two king salmon, and spent time together at the lake.

3. Book a regular time together. Since we know our time together is short, we’ve all agreed to a weekly dinner date and we have it on the calendar. We rotate homes so everyone gets a chance to host. And, we’re flexible. It’s much easier to cancel, meet with fewer people, or make other adjustments than it is to start fresh every time we want to get together. If you’re not in the same location, get creative with technology to stay in touch!

4. Be prepared to compromise on calendars — or moderate! Juggling calendars may require compromise. One of our daughters just had a schedule change that meant changing the night of our dinners. It created a not-so-pretty power struggle which was solved with a not-perfect-but-it’ll-do plan for alternating nights every other week as needed.

5. If you can, contribute $$ to the entertainment fund. Young adults likely have limited budgets and appreciate assistance. We often kick in half the cost of major outings and ask them to pay the other half. It’s our way of helping them while allowing them to “adult” also.

6. Take lots of photos! We love family pictures and videos and have several photographers in the family. It’s fun to share memories afterwards. And, you’ll have these for many years to relive your experiences.

Comments? And other resources.

What do you do to make memories? 🙋🏼‍♀️ What are some of your favorite ways to stay connected with your kids now that they’re adulting? Share in the comments below!

Need ideas for setting boundaries? Check out this post on Setting boundaries with adult children.

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Over nearly four decades of long-distance family relationships, I’ve learned to approach family visits with a lot of grace. Recognizing I’m part of an imperfect family helps me sow seeds of love, rather than getting caught up in what could easily become family drama.

Here are five tips to help you navigate family relationships near and far! You may find them especially useful for long-distance family visits, particularly if you haven’t had the opportunity to visit for a while.

1. Plan activities & go with the flow

Having a few activities planned gives you something to look forward to and helps you relax. I typically plan a few meals out with various family members, knowing this will give us time to visit over good food. I also try not to schedule too tightly, leaving room for impromptu activities.

On my latest trip, my aunt and I spent a day photographing wildflowers and wildlife on a nearby prairie. And, I spent another day driving through the woods with my brother and sister-in-law. We located a remote spot on the river that my dad particularly loved and fulfilled his wish by spreading some of his ashes there. Now that we’ve found it, we’ll return with other family members to enjoy this space.

2. Communicate in advance

If you’re the one traveling, be sure to communicate when you’ll arrive and leave, and what time you have available. Be prepared with a list of things you’d like to do and ask them for suggestions as well.

Getting details confirmed well in advance helps you and other family members work through any differences of opinion. Plus, you’ll avoid unnecessary arguments if everyone knows that you’ll be with mom on Tuesday and sister Susie on Wednesday!

3. Consider personalities and time constraints

Knowing the family personalities helps you schedule activities and timing. While it may be more convenient to schedule one big outing, I’ve learned that this overwhelms many individuals — and can be taxing to coordinate.

Plus, some family members prefer 1:1 time while others love to interact in larger groups. If you have the time and resources, arrange to visit with individuals, couples or smaller family groups separately. And, be sure to check with individual family members on their work schedules and/or available time.

4. Allow for down time during your visit

Everyone needs some down time, but introverts especially need to replenish their energy. If you’re an extrovert, take note of the introverts in the family and give them space. You’ll find the quality of your interactions much better when more introverted family members get their down time.

If you’re an introvert, remember to take care of yourself. Schedule in time to go for a walk, read a book, or whatever feeds your soul. Consider where you’re staying also — you may find that staying at a hotel or quieter family member’s place allows you to interact more gracefully!

5. Accept family members in their imperfection

We’re all imperfect and as much as we’d like to tell other family members where they’re going wrong or could do better, this rarely works. You might not have handled a situation in the same way, spent money the way they did, or treated another family member “like that” — but sharing your opinion usually only fans the flames.

If you feel you need to speak truth into someone else’s life, it’s often helpful to ask them questions, such as “have you thought about …?” And certainly, if asked for your thoughts, share your experiences and perspectives! Allowing family members the space to make their own mistakes without a great deal of judgement is a fine art and one of the most difficult things to do with imperfect families.

Have fun navigating your long-distance family visits!

If nothing else, this pandemic has taught us to appreciate time together with loved ones. But families can also be tricky — and the dynamics may require you to be patient. Just remember, you’re not the only one with a family that’s a bit weird, and quirky, and maybe even frustrating at times.

But, if you can accept the imperfection — see past it, or through it, you’ll often find that your imperfect family knows you and loves you the best they can. And if you’re lucky, that’s just good enough!

If you’re also caring for aging parents …

Here are a few links you may find helpful:

• Resources | Caring for parents
• Tips for visiting assisted living facilities

The post Navigating long-distance family visits appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

The wedding …

The wedding was barely two weeks ago and it was absolutely lovely! Despite a full night of rain, the sun came out in time for wedding photos and the ceremony at sunset. The newly-married couple is settling into married life and we’re delighted to have a new son-in-law.

But life has a way of getting complicated just when you think it will be simpler, at least in our family! And along came …

The coronavirus

Just three days after the wedding, a family member tested positive for COVID-19 and the tests started rolling in amongst our family. Out of 12 of us in the immediate family, boyfriends included, we accumulated 9 positive test results and three presumed positive due to symptoms (though two actually tested negative, but we think it’s a timing issue).

We’d already had a couple of tests prior to the wedding, just to be sure. Although tests were negative, symptoms continued. While some family members had milder symptoms than others, everyone experienced some combination of headache, fever, nausea, loss of taste/smell, fatigue and a cough.

Now, at 17 days post wedding we are down to just four family members still in isolation and the symptoms are finally dwindling down. One person experienced enough difficulty breathing to go to the Emergency Room and received a nebulizer; a second higher-risk adult went along and both were enrolled in a respiratory therapy and monitoring program. Everyone else recovered comfortably at home.

What I’ve learned

Here are a few things I’ve learned as we’ve been navigating the virus the past couple of weeks.

1. Early test results are sometimes misleading.

At the first sign of symptoms, my husband and I immediately did a rapid test because we didn’t want to take chances with the wedding coming up. We both tested negative. In hindsight we know that the viral load wasn’t yet strong enough for testing to detect.

2. Negative test results can give a false sense of security.

While doctors did advise us that we could have false negatives, they were optimistic given that both of us tested negative. Our natural optimism and the negative results had us convinced that we simply had a slight cold.

3. Being “in a bubble” also gives a false sense of security.

It still pays to be careful, even around family members and close friends. The problem is you may not even know that anyone has been compromised.

4. You may never know the exact source of infection.

In our case, we believe one person was exposed at work. And yet, there are other possible sources, including a hair salon, multiple work-related potentials for exposure, and a cleaning service.

5. Gatherings do have an impact.

While the virus might have spread just as much without the wedding and Thanksgiving holiday, some family members might have avoided it without these events.

6. Mandates and precautions do make a difference.

We are grateful that no other wedding attendees contracted symptoms. We believe it helped that the wedding was small, outside, socially distanced and no food was served at the event (although to-go containers were carefully prepared and sent home with guests). Check the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention COVID-19 guidelines for current updates.

7. The coronavirus is insidious; watch each other carefully.

The Oxford dictionary defines insidious as “proceeding in a gradual and subtle way, with harmful effects.” I can’t think of a better description for COVID-19, particularly the pneumonia-like symptoms that are such a danger. Our family checked in with each other daily to monitor symptoms and ensure that everyone was okay. The one family member who experienced difficulty breathing had been doing fine, but had he not received a nebulizer the tide could have quickly turned.

We are beyond grateful that no one had to be hospitalized and that everyone is recovering well. We know this has not been the case for everyone. And, we continue to hear from friends and family who know people in the medical field that there is very little way to tell who will need ventilators or intervention — or who may not make it.

My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones. And I pray that we’ll soon have an effective vaccine to slow down this global pandemic!

So it’s a wedding, the coronavirus — and a puppy?

Well yes, because who doesn’t love puppies?! And this little one has definitely brightened our lives these past two weeks.

Our youngest daughter has had a Corgi at the top of every birthday and Christmas list since I can remember (at least 8 years). And now that she and Brandon have their own place, they decided it was time to “adopt.”

Poppy is a wonderful addition to the family and she’s brightened many moments during our Covid recovery! She joins her big sister, Bella, a Newfoundland, and the extended family’s pets including 4 black labradors, 1 yellow labrador, and two Russian Blue cats, plus our niece’s guinea pigs and fish.

In the end, life is full of moments: weddings, coronavirus, even puppies. May you avoid the coronavirus if you possibly can. And if you should be unable to avoid it, may you recover safely. And, may you always feel God’s presence with you!

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But when change strikes fast and hard, have you ever found yourself doing the dishes or reorganizing a closet? And doesn’t it feel good to have some control when everything around you seems to be chaos?

Facing the big things seems daunting

We face many changes and challenges in this middle time of our lives in normal times: children growing older, people falling ill, changing work conditions. And everything is intensified with the COVID-19, the elections and so much more uncertainty in 2020.

This year has definitely been one of having a lot that seems out of our control.

Controlling what we can may seem small

Yes, it seems counterintuitive to focus on such seemingly small things as the dishes when you’re faced with a major change, a crisis or a big decision. It may seem silly to pick up the kids’ toys and buy new bathroom towels when you’re trying to find your way in a world that seems topsy-turvy.

Even paying attention to our own attitudes, reactions and behaviors feels like it may not make a major difference in the world. And yet, these small things make a difference in our corner of the world.

Clearing the clutter gives us a tiny bit of control

And when we feel like we have some power over our circumstances, we begin to feel calmer. And when we begin to feel calmer, we can think more clearly.

When we face difficult situations or transitions, our mind tends to become overwhelmed with the situation. To make wise decisions, we have to focus on what’s most important.

We can’t be clear-headed when our minds are so overwhelmed.

Controlling what we can control makes room for other change

Experts in simplifying and organizing have long touted the benefits of creating a calm space to transform your life in other ways. When we make the small changes, we weed out what we don’t need as well as the “busy thoughts” and tasks that distract from the true issues.

We give ourselves physical, mental and emotional space to transition through change.

“In my study of happiness, I’ve realized that for most of us, outer order contributes to inner calm.”

Gretchen Rubin, Outer Order, Inner Calm: declutter and organize to make more room for happiness

In the weeks ahead …

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be talking about very practical ways you can begin to create a calmer space around you so that you can focus on the bigger changes in your life.

Here’s an overview of five key areas we can declutter to gain control — with a little work!

#1: Declutter your mind / emotions

The most important place to begin exercising our “control muscles” is within our own heads. While this sounds simple, managing our minds is perhaps the most difficult task of all. We’ll talk about silencing the inner critic, controlling our reactions, and listening to our own feelings.

#2: Declutter your home

Your physical surroundings contribute substantially to your mood and your resilience. And you don’t have to have a spotless home — just one that you find comfortable, functional and calming.

#3: Declutter your digital footprint

Managing your digital world is much more difficult than it used to be. Computers, tablets and phones bring the world to our fingertips — in both positive and challenging ways. Taking steps to control your digital environment can definitely bring some calmness to your life.

#4: Declutter your office / work space

Whether your work is at home or in an office, decluttering your space and setting up strong routines will help you. For many of us, work has changed dramatically in the past few months — we’ll talk about ways to ensure you keep up!

#5: Declutter your relationships

It sounds strange to talk about decluttering relationships but this is an area where many of us would like to regain control. We need positive, affirming relationships in order to navigate life well.

And remember …

Control what you can control and let the rest go!

Life is too short to spend it worrying. “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:27). May we always remember that God has it under control!

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I had to remind myself to have patience with this messy middle stage today, when life and changing roles converged at dinner time. I found myself juggling getting food on the table, helping my husband rearrange the garage so he could get his car out for a drive, and giving opinions to my daughter about wedding dress accents. And then the nurse from mom’s assisted living home called to say they’re sending her to the ER for evaluation.

It’s hard to know your purpose

We’ve been told that the magic is in the middle, and yet, so often we simply feel caught in a changing world, putting out fires, and struggling to make sense of life. We feel as though this isn’t how our lives are supposed to be (see I’m not where I thought I’d be).

This discomfort is normal

One of the earliest and foremost experts on life stages, Gail Sheehy, author of “New Passages: Mapping Your Life Across Time“>New Passages,” and

“We must be willing to change chairs if we want to grow. There is no permanent compatibility between a chair and a person. And there is no one right chair. What is right at one stage may be restricting at another or too soft. During the passage from one stage to another, we will be between two chairs. Wobbling no doubt, but developing.”

I wrote about this tension between the familiar and the new in A season of letting go.

When we let go, we make space for the new

The muddle, sometimes uncomfortable, is part of the process of becoming new. When your roles shift and change, trust that you’re right where you need to be.

This sometimes messy muddle leads us to a new phase of life. We find our way by letting go what we’ve known to be true so that we can embrace the new. We may feel “wobbly” as we navigate changing roles and relationships with our adult children, our parents, even our spouses. But as Sheehy said, that’s how we grow.

And God always meets us in the muddle

I’m still waiting to hear back from the ER, but mom’s joking with the nurses. We’re pretty certain it’s part of a chronic condition and not life-threatening. We’ll let the doctors sort it out. And, I know that God’s got this.

Embrace this muddle in the middle and you’ll find your space.

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I always knew life would have twists and turns. But it wasn’t until recently that I realized most of my life has had me “not where I thought I’d be.” And I’ve learned a lot from those experiences!

Are you “not where you thought you’d be?”

If you’re like me, and life has you in a perpetual state of being “not where you thought you’d be,” I have good news and bad news. The bad news is: your life will likely have more twists and turns.

And the good news? You life will have more twists and turns AND you can navigate them. I promise you can do it and I’m here to help you!

We expect life to follow a certain trajectory.

And when life throws us off course, we naturally resist. We are surprised, perplexed. When in fact, life is ALL ABOUT CHANGE. If you look closely, we all detour from the “normal course.”

Has midlife thrown you off course? Mine did.

Midlife: a series of unexpected events

The year I turned 40, my life seemed to fall apart around me. My parents divorced, my sister-in-law passed away very unexpectedly, and it was if my husband and I suddenly woke up and discovered we were married to someone we didn’t know.

At the same time, my girls entered the “tween” confusing stage, no longer little children. And my job required more travel and grew increasingly complex.

I wasn’t where I thought I’d be but I muddled through the mess

These were tumultuous years, dissolving my straight path into curve after curve. With God’s grace and a resilient spirit, I took it a day at a time.

For every unexpected curve, God eventually brought a blessing:

• Chaotic remodeling projects beautified our home.
• Counseling helped us find our way back to each other.
• My husband’s 15 month deployment taught us new skills and habits.
• Our daughters’ fly, test, and repeat cycles bring increasing self-knowledge and independence.
• My parents’ increasing need for assistance gave me opportunities to spend time with them.

And 2020, need I say more? I’m definitely not where I thought I’d be

We kicked off our year with a trip to Southeast Asia in January/February. Yes, we hit the very epicenter and beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic.

The viral threat changed our itinerary. And for the first time in my life, I wore a mask. Little did we know masks would become a daily practice and wardrobe staple. Nor did we know this was the beginning of many cancelled events, virtual school and work, and social distancing.

We’re all coping, finding ways to connect and adapt.

And losing a parent so soon? Definitely not where I thought I’d be

With my father’s passing last month, I’m definitely not where I thought I would be. I expected more time with Dad. I expected 2020 to unfold much as 2019 did, seeing him gain strength and overcome medical issues — NOT decline.

And yet, we all eventually navigate this path of death in one way or another. I’m finding my way. And I am realizing that when we are not where we thought we’d be — we’re usually right where God wants us.

“When we’re not where we thought we’d be, we’re usually right where God wants us.”

Elaine Junge

God works in the spaces where we are off balance, uncertain. He thrives on our dependence. He values, even demands, our trust.

God is faithful all the time

When we recognize our need for him, we also see his provision. I believe our eyes are open to so much more when we’re relying on him to show us the way.

So, if you’re feeling off balance and not quite where you thought you’d be, sink into the promise. As the Psalmist says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. (Psalm 56.3).

Dear ones, God is faithful especially when we’re not where we thought we’d be. May we rely on him more and more. May we seek and find his gracious provision for us in the middle of the mess.

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Having compassion on your self often seems selfish. People rely on you and you don’t want to let them down.

We tend to sabotage our own care

And so we say to ourselves, “self, I know you’re tired, but these people need me and in just a few minutes I’ll have time to take a break with you!”

Maybe you’ve said you will do something for yourself after you finish just one more thing? And then another and another? And then you put your weary self to bed saying you’ll take care of yourself tomorrow?

Haven’t we all been there? I’m slowing down enough to finally realize that today is the day I need to do whatever I am going to do. If I continue to say “tomorrow,” I continue to do what I’ve always done and postpone doing things that will keep me healthier and happier for a long time.

I’m learning that my children are old enough to take care of themselves (mostly). And my parents’ needs may be urgent from time to time — but I serve them better if I take care of myself, both short-term and long-term.

So how do you get fierce about self care?

First, experts say to remind yourself that self care is not a luxury — it’s a priority! Secondly, it’s almost impossible to manage stressors in your life without taking care of yourself. If you’re piling on exercise and still eating junk food, your body knows it. If you try to meditate, but aren’t getting enough sleep, you’ll fall asleep.

All of this leads to my third point, which is that fierce self care has to be a multi-faceted approach. Fierce self care means taking care of your body, mind and soul. And when you do, you build resilience to help you manage stressors in your life that you can’t eliminate — and equip yourself to live your best life.

Think of the acronym CARE

Connect — Connect with God, connect with hopeful encouragers. Connections fuel our souls!

Attitude — Mary Pipher writes in Women Rowing North, “Attitude, it’s not everything, but it’s almost everything.” You bring a positive attitude to others. You need it for yourself.

Rest — You must relax (challenging for doers). You may think you can’t stop, but remember the tortoise and the hare. Rested bodies and minds are resilient, creative and resourceful. And, if your mind is settled and not scattered, you can be present and listen better to others.

Empathy (for yourself) — you “feel” others, you know them. Do you know yourself? What do you need in this moment?

For additional ideas:

• Check out this blog post on Prioritizing your health. Key strategies include eating healthier, exercising more, using healthy alternatives to cope with stress (and reducing unhealthy coping mechanisms), and getting regular health check ups.
• When you list those that you care for in your day, remember to list your self as well!
• And finally, I love this quote:

“There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.”

Brian Andreas, American Writer

I’d love to hear what you are doing to prioritize your self in midlife! Are you ready to take fierce CARE of yourself?

May you be fiercely protective of yourself. May you connect with people, have a positive attitude, rest and relax often, and have empathy for yourself and others.

The post Get fierce about self care appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Brown says, “The truth is that the midlife unraveling is a series of painful nudges strung together by low-grade anxiety and depression, quiet desperation, and an insidious loss of control.”

Each of us goes through a midlife unraveling in our own way.

Midlife can be messy

At this point of our lives, we think we should have it all under control. At some point, though, we realize we control very little.

Our kids begin to make decisions on their own. Our parents may need more help, but still have their own agendas.

We certainly can’t control our spouses or significant others’ life choices, although we may influence them. And sometimes we can’t even grasp control of our own decisions and lives at work, home, and in community.

We can get a bit lost

At this stage of life, we may feel trapped into commitments over which we have so little control.

At times in this messy middle, I feel like a tiny cork bubbling around in the big ocean, seemingly locked in to choices I’ve made, circumstances I face, or the needs of those around me.

Elaine Junge

And yet, as we start to unravel ourselves and the life around us, we can begin to uncover essential truths. We can choose to approach unraveling with intentionality and to take time out to observe and analyze, set a new course or or change our path.

Could you use a timeout?

Most of us can take a day off or squeeze in 15 minutes here and there. We can give ourselves the space to tackle this messy process of letting go of how we thought life would be and adapting to how we want to live the rest of our life.

Here’s how it works:

Here are 3 easy steps you can take this week to prepare for your own timeout:

1. Designate specific time in your life.

Schedule at least three one-hour blocks over the next three weeks to get started. Mark these times as sacred space on your calendar. Protect your time from interruptions and choose a place that fosters clear thinking.

2. Center yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Give yourself extra time to be still, to walk in nature, take a warm bath or check in with God. Immerse yourself in what makes you “most you.” Picture yourself zooming out from your life and observing at a distance, with a non-biased view. Allow space for this to settle and simply notice and accept where you are, today.

3. Ask wise counselors to be your sounding boards.

Seek feedback from your spouse and other family members and also from people less dependent on the outcomes of your decisions. Reach out to a handful of inner circle friends, a therapist or a spiritual advisor and ask them to help guide you in this process. I suggest you keep the time commitment simple, such as coffee, lunch, or a planned phone call in the next few weeks.

You’ve laid the groundwork

In the coming weeks, we will dive into more specific steps to guide you in your personal midlife timeout. For now, remember:

Sometimes projects (and lives) need to unravel, so we can fix mistakes, make a better fit, or create a better final result.

Elaine junge

I pray blessings on you, that you may be brave and courageous. May you feel the stirring of change and dare to begin to reimagine yourself and your life. May you find time and space for a beautiful midlife timeout, and may you be open to unraveling, because the God who loves you wants you to live well your one good life.

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