Declutter your relationships

Part 5 of 5: Control what you can control series

It sounds strange to talk about decluttering your relationships but this is an area where many of us would like to gain control. We need positive, affirming relationships in order to navigate life well. And often, our relationships can be the trickiest area of our lives to declutter.

Dictionary.com defines the verb declutter as “to simplify or get rid of mess, disorder, complications, etc.” Does this sound like it could apply to relationships in your life?

Relationships can be messy and complicated

It’s often said that imperfect human beings create imperfect relationships. Frequently, we want to blame others for the messiness of the relationships in our lives.

Even our closest relationships can be tricky. Years ago, my husband and I went through a bit of a rocky time in our marriage. One of the biggest lessons we learned during that time was that we each needed to work on our own hearts — and stop trying to “fix” or control the other person.

Truthfully, we can only control our own role in our relationships.

When we declutter our relationships, we look carefully at our own hearts. We step back to gain perspective. And we address any relationship problems, remove non-positive or toxic relationships, and do our part to maintain healthy relationships.

5 easy steps to declutter your relationships

Here are five ways you can simplify your relationships — and minimize the clutter or disorder that can sometimes drag you down.

1. Focus on positivity

Seek out positive relationships and pay attention to which of your relationships “fill your bucket” versus emptying your emotional tank. Tom Rath and Donald Clifton wrote, “How Full Is Your Bucket?” in 2004. The concept is that positive and authentic interactions increase well-being, while negative interactions detract from it. “The magic ratio: 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.” Pay particular attention to your own interactions — are you meeting this magic ratio in the comments you share with those you love?

2. Limit (or eliminate) negative relationships

Intuitively we know that we should avoid people and interactions that drain us. Yet, often, we feel stuck in relationships that are emotionally toxic for us. We can’t always avoid negativity entirely, but we can certainly limit our interactions with negative people. And when we can’t limit it, perhaps we can adjust our own attitude by reducing the importance of comments from negative poeple.

3. Address or let go of old hurts

Sometimes we hold onto old hurts far too long. At some point, we realize that holding on is no longer serving us well. At that point, we can choose to either address the hurt directly with the person — or decide it’s time to let it go anyway.

4. Clarify your expectations

The older I get, the more I realize that people are not mind readers. And the clearer I am, the easier it is for me to have more positive relationships. Similarly, it’s not fair for me to assume what others are expecting in a relationship. Positive relationships require clear communication — we all need to be seen and heard.

5. Set clear boundaries

Boundaries go hand in hand with expectations. We each have personal boundaries and the clearer we can be about them, the simpler our relationships will be as well. Sometimes we don’t realize we’re not being clear — or worse yet, we think we are when we are not. If you find yourself constantly frustrated with a particular relationship, checking your boundaries may be an important step in resolving issues.

Qualities of healthy relationships

Healthy relationships begin with respect and trust — and require good communication, clear boundaries, and honesty. We can all benefit from stepping back now and then to assess the health of our relationships and looking for ways to clear out any clutter!