Recently, this was impressed on me again. Yesterday, my husband and I arrived home from the cabin, tumbling out of the pickup to pick up our mail, greet the kitty, and put away our bags from the weekend. Two packages were on the doorstep, including one from Wolfgang’s cousin in Michigan.

The package contained photos, as well as a news clipping and a speech titled “Opening the Door to You,” written by his grandmother for a gathering of Presbyterian women.

As I scanned the speech, one line stopped me, capturing my attention.

“As women, our lives are pre-empted”

“And so, the significant you — the essential you — this all important heart-of-your-being is neglected in the melee of daily survival, perhaps never to located and nurtured,” his grandmother wrote.

These lines hooked me, echoing my own writings these past two years. Granny Jean spoke to this group of women about the importance of discovering your essential self amongst the many roles women hold in life, from infancy through childhood, and into adulthood.

At age 65 and in the early 1980s, she too felt a sense of having been “other-directed” through societal norms for women. She spoke of the many talents and skills women use to hold together their homes, families, personal environments and professional or non-professional careers.

She urged “open the door to you”

And she encouraged women to continually grow and change, to “open your thoughts to pathways which will lead to opening doors to you.” I met Granny Jean a few short months before this speech was written.

I knew her as a strong, elegant, capable, cultured woman. She was an educator and well-traveled. She and Grandpa Bob lived in a college town, were active in the community, and mentored university students from many different cultures.

At the time she wrote her speech, she was slightly older than I am now. And although I wasn’t privy to it at the time, her journey included the process of opening the door to herself — and encouraging other women in her community to do the same.

Finding our authentic selves is an essential stage

Gail Sheehy, best-selling author of Passages, The Silent Passage, and New Passages, described a “massive shift” from survival to mastery in the passage from First Adulthood into Second Adulthood, typically in your 40s or 50s. She said, “In young adulthood we survive by figuring out how best to please or perform for the powerful ones who will protect and reward us: parents, teachers, lovers, mates, bosses, mentors. It is all about proving ourselves.

“The transformation of middle life is to move into a more stable psychological state of mastery, where we control much of what happens in our life and can often act on the world, rather than habitually react to whatever the world throws at us.”

The push for authenticity

One of the most important steps in mastering our lives as we move into this middle adulthood stage is closing the gap between our “real selves” and a false self built on expectations. Sheehy described it as a push for authenticity characterized by a sense of being your own person.

According to Sheehy, this transition requires the “little death” of first adulthood. This can be a confusing transitional period as we’re becoming uncomfortable with the striving and performing that have worked for us in the past.

Often, as we enter this stage, we come to grips with no longer knowing who we are in life. We’re torn between multiple priorities and consumed with trying to juggle multiple roles.

We search for meaning.

The secret is to find and pursue your passion

Sheehy says that a successful Second Adulthood is about finding “a new value in life,” a passion. She recommends a simple “Time Flies Test” to discover what you love so much that time passes without you realizing it.

You may find clues in early childhood dreams, back when you were passionate about an activity or pursuit. Or, perhaps, you’ve felt a call toward something for some time, but not given it the credit it deserves.

Becoming your essential self is purposeful work

Moving from a state of living up to others’ expectations to finding your own unique journey takes energy and effort. Granny Jean said in her speech that “opening the door to you” requires exploring three sides: physical (our bodies), intellectual (our minds) and spiritual. Above all, we must give ourselves permission to grow and assume responsibility for our own being.

And part of taking responsibility for ourselves is taking care of our bodies and feeding our minds. We must open doors by seeking out wisdom — in books, music, study, travel and diverse community. And we must learn from nature, explore the relationship of all living things and find joy and wonder in being alive.

Experiment with your life

Yes, take risks. Try new things.

Sheehy’s research showed that the people who were most risk averse were not the old, but those in the middle. Men and women in their forties. Her theory was that people in their forties have not yet faced mortality — and so it seems closer, scarier.

As you gain mastery in what she calls Middle Adulthood, Sheehy says that you begin to approach mortality more as a negotiation. What changes are you willing to make to invest in your health and well-being? Are you ready to stop destructive defense mechanisms, such as numbing or avoiding with any number of habits?

And what is the payoff of becoming essential you?

The world needs what you have to give. It needs what only you can offer. Granny Jean said it so well.

“Yet, how important it is to your world — and to all of the universe that you find this essential you; because of all your skills, that which you do the best, what no one else can ever do, is be you.”

Elizabeth C. Junge, Excerpt from a speech given to the United Presbyterian Women, Corvallis, Oregon, February 17, 1982

Anything less is second best

She went on to say, “Whatever else you do is second best. Your wonderful, exciting, unique self, the only one in existence throughout all of the history of creation — the result of the selective compilation of genes from all of your ancestors since time began — You. There never was, there never will be an exact carbon copy, a duplication, a clone, of you.”

As I finish typing, I look up at a picture of Granny Jean with Grandpa Bob. Somehow I think she’s smiling down at me now, watching me catch on here. I’m not there yet, but I think I’m becoming Essentially Elaine.

Join me?

Other resources:

• Are you having a midlife crisis?
• A midlife manifesto
• When does middle age begin?

The post Becoming your essential self appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

But when change strikes fast and hard, have you ever found yourself doing the dishes or reorganizing a closet? And doesn’t it feel good to have some control when everything around you seems to be chaos?

Facing the big things seems daunting

We face many changes and challenges in this middle time of our lives in normal times: children growing older, people falling ill, changing work conditions. And everything is intensified with the COVID-19, the elections and so much more uncertainty in 2020.

This year has definitely been one of having a lot that seems out of our control.

Controlling what we can may seem small

Yes, it seems counterintuitive to focus on such seemingly small things as the dishes when you’re faced with a major change, a crisis or a big decision. It may seem silly to pick up the kids’ toys and buy new bathroom towels when you’re trying to find your way in a world that seems topsy-turvy.

Even paying attention to our own attitudes, reactions and behaviors feels like it may not make a major difference in the world. And yet, these small things make a difference in our corner of the world.

Clearing the clutter gives us a tiny bit of control

And when we feel like we have some power over our circumstances, we begin to feel calmer. And when we begin to feel calmer, we can think more clearly.

When we face difficult situations or transitions, our mind tends to become overwhelmed with the situation. To make wise decisions, we have to focus on what’s most important.

We can’t be clear-headed when our minds are so overwhelmed.

Controlling what we can control makes room for other change

Experts in simplifying and organizing have long touted the benefits of creating a calm space to transform your life in other ways. When we make the small changes, we weed out what we don’t need as well as the “busy thoughts” and tasks that distract from the true issues.

We give ourselves physical, mental and emotional space to transition through change.

“In my study of happiness, I’ve realized that for most of us, outer order contributes to inner calm.”

Gretchen Rubin, Outer Order, Inner Calm: declutter and organize to make more room for happiness

In the weeks ahead …

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be talking about very practical ways you can begin to create a calmer space around you so that you can focus on the bigger changes in your life.

Here’s an overview of five key areas we can declutter to gain control — with a little work!

#1: Declutter your mind / emotions

The most important place to begin exercising our “control muscles” is within our own heads. While this sounds simple, managing our minds is perhaps the most difficult task of all. We’ll talk about silencing the inner critic, controlling our reactions, and listening to our own feelings.

#2: Declutter your home

Your physical surroundings contribute substantially to your mood and your resilience. And you don’t have to have a spotless home — just one that you find comfortable, functional and calming.

#3: Declutter your digital footprint

Managing your digital world is much more difficult than it used to be. Computers, tablets and phones bring the world to our fingertips — in both positive and challenging ways. Taking steps to control your digital environment can definitely bring some calmness to your life.

#4: Declutter your office / work space

Whether your work is at home or in an office, decluttering your space and setting up strong routines will help you. For many of us, work has changed dramatically in the past few months — we’ll talk about ways to ensure you keep up!

#5: Declutter your relationships

It sounds strange to talk about decluttering relationships but this is an area where many of us would like to regain control. We need positive, affirming relationships in order to navigate life well.

And remember …

Control what you can control and let the rest go!

Life is too short to spend it worrying. “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:27). May we always remember that God has it under control!

The post Control what you can control appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

1. Childhood friends remind us who we were, before we became so complicated

Early friendships are often deeply grounded in the time when we were most authentically ourselves, before self-doubt and responsibility kicked into high gear. There’s something almost undefinable in the connection, particularly if you shared unique life stories, such as living in another country or going through tumultuous times together.

These types of friendships are rare gems and they can bring you back to the core of who you are, in just a short time together. My friend Johanna and I had fun talking about our shared experience of being “MK”s, or Missionary Kids — in Brazil. Our conversations grounded me in the authenticity of the child I was, the embrace of the community to which I belonged, and the simplicity of a world that moved more slowly.

2. Childhood friends help us remember details and defining experiences

Johanna and I lived in a small jungle community, along the Madeira River (a tributary of the Amazon). The Porto Velho center served as a base camp and translation center for 15-20 families. Jo and her sister Tina were two of my closest friends. I was the oldest of four, with three younger brothers, and I often brought the middle one along to play, particularly after the youngest was born and mom needed support. We called each other’s parents “aunt” and “uncle,” a tradition within the organization that bound us together. This tended to blur the lines of friendship and families at times, and connected us further.

Although she was born while her parents were on furlough in the United States, Jo was in Brazil much longer than I, up until she was a senior in high school. She remembers when I fell off the porch of the school and broke my arm. I remember sitting on the stairs at her house, 4-5 of us girls lined up one above the other, doing each others’ hair. We talked about our Porto Velho friends, and who is doing what now. We have a shared Facebook group which also allows us to reconnect on a broader scale.

3. Childhood friends remind us of the complexities of growing up — and sometimes why we do what we do

Those pre-teen, early teen years are tumultuous for most of us. And navigating friendships was never easy for me, even within a small community. Life on the mission field was more transient than you might expect. Most families spent 3-5 years abroad, returning home in between for furloughs. This tended to create “gaps” in friendships, and rearranged the dynamics between those remaining. Plus, some families joined the team and others left, as mission needs or family situations changed.

These shifts in the community often meant that friendships were renegotiated or shifted. While overall there was little room to be completely left out in our small community, still, more than once, my “best friend” either moved away or found a new best friend while I was away. Similarly, when friends in our hometown realized that I was moving away, they often shifted their alliances in advance. And while I did the same, as we naturally did, I tended to feel the hurt of being on the outside of the relationship deeply. Looking back, I realize that this dynamic had the dual impact of enabling me to quickly make casual friends — yet somewhat cautious in developing deeper friendships.

My family left Brazil when I was 13

We moved the summer prior to my freshman year of high school. At the time, the only high school available was a boarding school hundreds of miles away. My parents chose to return to our hometown, so that our family could stay together and I and my brothers would have a stable school environment.

Reconnecting with a childhood friend in midlife has grounded me in a way I didn’t expect

Reconnecting more than 40 years after we spent time together has been a lot of fun! With a shared history and common values, conversations seems to pick up almost effortlessly despite the passing of time. And there is an inexplicable “shorthand” ease to discussions. But more than that, I was reminded of a part of my life that seemed so far away. Sharing memories with a friend has brought this time into sharper focus — and I am grateful for that!

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That’s how long, I will be your friend.

A fire burns bright, it warms the heart. We’ve been friends, from the very start.

Traditional Girl Scout song

May you find gold and silver in your friendships, both new and old, today and in the past! May your efforts to reconnect find simple and true connections. And may you always cherish the warmth of a conversation and a welcoming hug from friends near and far.

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