Setting boundaries with adult children

Many midlife mamas (and papas) struggle with setting boundaries with adult children. From the moment they’re born, our children begin the process of learning and growing that leads to their eventual independence from us, their parents.

And throughout their development, setting boundaries helps us manage the tension between holding tight and letting go. When they’re younger, we hold on a lot, but as they grow, we practice letting go. By the time our children become young adults, our role in a healthy relationship becomes much more influencer than controller.

There’s always a tension in letting go

Many parents struggle with this tension during the season of raising adolescents. One of my favorite books during this season was called “Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?” and subtitled “A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager.” With quite possibly the world’s longest (and yet somehow appropriate) title, author Anthony E. Wolf, describes this tension and provides good advice for parenting teenagers.

Wolf says, “If establishing a sense of one’s own independence is the main job of the adolescent, then letting go of their children is the main task of the parents of adolescents.” Both parents and children have evolving roles to play from adolescence and into adulthood.

For parents, letting go isn’t easy

Wolf acknowledges this process of letting go is hard. Our children learn to take control and responsibility for themselves, while, as parents, we’re learning to give up control.

We’re also learning to accept our children as they are or are becoming, which may or may not be what we’d hoped or envisioned for them. At the same time, our children are susceptible to making mistakes or suffering consequences of actions that we’d rather they avoid.

It’s a dance …

It’s a dance where it’s easy to lose track of who’s leading. But more importantly, it’s a dance where the parent continues to teach the child to be the leader of their own life.

Many parents struggle during this season because our roles evolve from being in charge of everything for our kids — to enabling our children to be in charge of their own lives. We must keep focused on the eventual goal of raising healthy and happy young adults.

At some point, they’ll be on their own and make their own rules. But there’s that gray area where some of the rules are ours and some of the rules are theirs. Many parents find this balance gets trickier with college-age or young working adults living at home. And with the pandemic, many students rebounded home unexpectedly creating more opportunities to negotiate “the dance.”

But then there’s the “roof rule”

At least that’s what we called it. On a few sticky points, my husband explained to our daughters: “What we have here is a roof problem. Our roof, our rules.”

While the young adults are in your home, you have the right to maintain non-negotiable rules. We held this card for issues most important to us, including safety, types of social gatherings in our home, monetary concerns, helping around the house, etc.

I have to say, this can be a tumultuous time.

And when the kids move out, you renegotiate

As empty-nesters, we now have renegotiated boundaries yet again. In some ways, it’s easier because the kids aren’t at home. And yet, it’s also harder because you want to spend time with your children — and you have your own time commitments.

I’ve yet to experience this personally, but my friends with grandkids tell me that boundary setting becomes increasingly important with the addition of a new generation! Again, as parents we want to help out and we want the best for our grandkids. But, we also have to define our personal priorities and needs before saying yes to every opportunity to babysit.

And, many parents address a variety of issues with their children including financial concerns, dissolving or abusive relationships with roommates or spouses, illness, or even death of a family member. Each of these requires open communication and an intentional renegotiation of boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be a tug of war

I’ve marveled as my kids spread their wings, venturing further and further out from the nest. I’ve also mourned because it means they fly farther and farther away.

Frankly, my adult children are better at setting boundaries than I am. But I am learning to navigate this boundary-setting season.

Here are a few tips for setting boundaries with adult children:

1. Be self aware. I put this first because as women, we often prioritize others’ needs and forget to check in with ourselves. We have to consider what we need to be healthy and happy, understanding that compromise may be necessary as well.
2. Align with your spouse (or other family members). If you’re making decisions about your children that impact other family members, be sure to check in with them before making commitments. Looking at a potential situation change from all sides prior to acting may help you avoid long-term frustration. And family members may provide alternative solutions you haven’t considered.
3. Be careful of enabling your children. Enabling versus helping can be a very fine line. You can help them evaluate options by asking them if they’ve considered other aspects, allow natural consequences, and still be helpful. And sometimes they simply need to fail at something to learn the lesson they need to learn.
4. Offer advice when requested; otherwise think carefully before you speak. When your adult child asks for advice, talk it through with him/her! But, if they haven’t asked, be careful about offering unsolicited advice. Ask yourself if what you’re thinking really needs to be said with your “out loud voice.” Often, the best gift we can give is to simply hold our tongue.
5. Encourage, encourage, encourage! Our kids need our encouragement more than ever as they’re exercising their “responsibility muscles.” A rule of thumb is to offer at least 5x positive reinforcement for every, shall we say, “less positive.”

And prayer, lots of prayer, always a good idea!