Unraveling: a backwards process to lead you forward

“People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis,” but it’s not. It’s an unraveling—a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live.” 

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

I believe that God led me to this timeout, this gift of space, because He loves me and wants me to live my one good life well. I struggled to live my best while working full time and living over scheduled, over booked, overwhelmed. With God’s grace and direction, I’ve made small changes over the years — but the big ones eluded me. For me, unraveling has been a years-long battle of learning to understand myself, appreciate my own feelings, find my voice and figure out how to live well.

Whether your’e working with yarn or life, unraveling is a choice — and almost always a frustrating and necessary process. Unraveling means you’re going backwards, undoing work that has already been done SO THAT you can move forward in a better way. In my experience, unraveling happens just as you gain momentum and think you are gaining ground. And then, you must go backwards to go forwards.

In knitting, we call this backwards process “tink-ing”, (knitting spelled backwards)

I began learning to spin fiber from my mother in law 10 years ago . Truthfully, I’m still very much a beginner. I enjoy the process and I love the camaraderie with creative women and beautiful fiber! One of my latest knitting projects was to make a shawl from a beautiful blue alpaca silk fiber mix that was an exercise in patience in itself, taking two years to spin. The knitted pattern was precise, though not complicated, but it required focus — and you guessed it, I’m not always focused (in life or in knitting).

Knitting that shawl drove me crazy! Believe me, I had to “tink” a lot with this shawl. I’d knit away and then I’d stop to look back over my work — and notice a spot where I messed up the pattern, inevitably several rows back. And I’d have to unravel my work (again and again and again).

As I “tinked” yet another time near the finish, I realized that God was teaching me about life through this messy process. I began to settle in to the realization that it was okay to go backwards a few steps in order to create a more beautiful finished product. I realized that I wanted more than anything for this piece to reflect me, to reflect God’s work in the process. I needed to do the work, slowly and patiently, to see the end result that I wanted to see.

I love Brene Brown’s simple midlife truths

I read The Gifts of Imperfection five years ago somewhere in the middle of my own midlife journey. Brene’s truths resonated and caused me to pivot, to think differently about my life and my future. At the time, my oldest daughter was four years into her own post-high school journey and in the midst of her own type of unraveling. She too thought she had it all figured out and then didn’t. She too needed room to breathe and try desperately to find herself. My youngest daughter was freshly graduated from high school, also on her own journey of self discovery.

Unraveling requires patience, space to unwind

I’ve tried to “be everything to everybody” all the while feeling unfulfilled, burnt out and abandoned. Not all at once, but deep in my soul, I struggled, wanted more, grew weary. Don’t get me wrong, I love much of my life and I’m blessed with family and friends that support me in all I do. The problem has been with me, not them.

I put expectations on myself that pushed me to my limits, stretched me so thin that I no longer had space to be me. And now, in these past five years, I’ve done steady slow work to let go … to give up my over-involved schedule, to recognize that my daughters can and must live their own lives, to stand by my husband more strongly, and finally, to leave my career of 31+ years and bravely step into the unknown.

Truthfully, I had to be pushed into the unknown

I’d like to think I stepped out bravely on my own, but in reality I was on more of a slow simmering path, waiting for God’s timing. With change happening all around me in my corporate world, I had quietly hoped (and prayed) that I might receive a severance package that would allow me to leave my job sooner than my planned retirement in 2023. I was on a national teleconference when I learned my job was eliminated, sitting in a hospital lobby waiting for my dad to come out of a heart procedure. With headsets in my ears and tears streaming down my face, I did a grown-up version of a “happy dance” while knowing for many of my colleagues this was a difficult time.

For me, I already knew this timeout was a gift.

I’ve let go of a lot but this timeout is teaching me what to grab onto. I’m slowly rebuilding a different life, one that allows me to listen to my own quiet inner voice and God’s direction. I’m finding a life that speaks more quietly to me, builds my soul instead of abandoning it.

I sense that you may be out there struggling through, doing your best, trying SO hard to be the person you think you should be. Stop it. Just STOP.

Take a moment and breathe.

YOU are NOT the God of the universe. As “they” say, there is someone else out there and it’s not you. Let it go. Let go of the need to please, perform, perfect. Let go of the need to fix, help, Let go of being the one with the answers. It’s okay to cry, to lift your fist in anger, to sink to your knees and pray. It’s okay to be vulnerable. Dare I suggest, you MUST? If you want to move forward, you must go backwards.

Here are 3 steps to unravel intentionally:

From my experience, it’s not hard — but it’s not easy either. Give it time, slow and steady time. Here are 3 things you an do today to unravel yourself:

1. Ground yourself in spiritual practices such as prayer and reading the Bible. Keep seeking the right path. The Bible tells us that God has plans for us, that He knows every one of our actions from the beginning of our days, even in the womb. How marvelous is that? So, in a sense, we are not really unraveling, but allowing God to unfold us, open us to new ways of thinking and being. This process is useful. Guard against becoming self-centered, obsessed with analysis or off track from your grounding beliefs.
2. Consider journaling. Today I looked back at my journal of the past four years. I was totally and gratefully awed by how God has worked through the journal. Guys, I described my ideal day 5 years ago — and it’s my life today. When I read this at 3am, I just STOPPED. And I said thank you, thank you. I am amazed at God, totally amazed. He speaks to me, He knows me, He cares about me — and He cares about YOU.
3. Keep unraveling, and keep stepping forward. I rarely know what I am doing at the time, but when I look back, I never regret unraveling. Going backwards is painful; I’m frustrated that I have to do it, but I am learning patience in the process. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my maker knows what He’s doing. He’s got this. It’s not pretty in the process, but the end result … well, He already knows what He wants. I just need to keep stepping forward, and backward, and forward. Just keep finding me, finding Him, finding me.

So, sometimes yarn drops and rolls, or the lazy cat decides it’s time to be playful. For most of us, life is messy and chaotic at times.

May you find peace in the mess. May you know that you do not have to have life all figured out today. May you lean into the discomfort of stepping forward and backward. And may you find REST for your soul; let her speak, let her find her very own space and feel comfortable enough to step into the light and shine!