Recently, this was impressed on me again. Yesterday, my husband and I arrived home from the cabin, tumbling out of the pickup to pick up our mail, greet the kitty, and put away our bags from the weekend. Two packages were on the doorstep, including one from Wolfgang’s cousin in Michigan.

The package contained photos, as well as a news clipping and a speech titled “Opening the Door to You,” written by his grandmother for a gathering of Presbyterian women.

As I scanned the speech, one line stopped me, capturing my attention.

“As women, our lives are pre-empted”

“And so, the significant you — the essential you — this all important heart-of-your-being is neglected in the melee of daily survival, perhaps never to located and nurtured,” his grandmother wrote.

These lines hooked me, echoing my own writings these past two years. Granny Jean spoke to this group of women about the importance of discovering your essential self amongst the many roles women hold in life, from infancy through childhood, and into adulthood.

At age 65 and in the early 1980s, she too felt a sense of having been “other-directed” through societal norms for women. She spoke of the many talents and skills women use to hold together their homes, families, personal environments and professional or non-professional careers.

She urged “open the door to you”

And she encouraged women to continually grow and change, to “open your thoughts to pathways which will lead to opening doors to you.” I met Granny Jean a few short months before this speech was written.

I knew her as a strong, elegant, capable, cultured woman. She was an educator and well-traveled. She and Grandpa Bob lived in a college town, were active in the community, and mentored university students from many different cultures.

At the time she wrote her speech, she was slightly older than I am now. And although I wasn’t privy to it at the time, her journey included the process of opening the door to herself — and encouraging other women in her community to do the same.

Finding our authentic selves is an essential stage

Gail Sheehy, best-selling author of Passages, The Silent Passage, and New Passages, described a “massive shift” from survival to mastery in the passage from First Adulthood into Second Adulthood, typically in your 40s or 50s. She said, “In young adulthood we survive by figuring out how best to please or perform for the powerful ones who will protect and reward us: parents, teachers, lovers, mates, bosses, mentors. It is all about proving ourselves.

“The transformation of middle life is to move into a more stable psychological state of mastery, where we control much of what happens in our life and can often act on the world, rather than habitually react to whatever the world throws at us.”

The push for authenticity

One of the most important steps in mastering our lives as we move into this middle adulthood stage is closing the gap between our “real selves” and a false self built on expectations. Sheehy described it as a push for authenticity characterized by a sense of being your own person.

According to Sheehy, this transition requires the “little death” of first adulthood. This can be a confusing transitional period as we’re becoming uncomfortable with the striving and performing that have worked for us in the past.

Often, as we enter this stage, we come to grips with no longer knowing who we are in life. We’re torn between multiple priorities and consumed with trying to juggle multiple roles.

We search for meaning.

The secret is to find and pursue your passion

Sheehy says that a successful Second Adulthood is about finding “a new value in life,” a passion. She recommends a simple “Time Flies Test” to discover what you love so much that time passes without you realizing it.

You may find clues in early childhood dreams, back when you were passionate about an activity or pursuit. Or, perhaps, you’ve felt a call toward something for some time, but not given it the credit it deserves.

Becoming your essential self is purposeful work

Moving from a state of living up to others’ expectations to finding your own unique journey takes energy and effort. Granny Jean said in her speech that “opening the door to you” requires exploring three sides: physical (our bodies), intellectual (our minds) and spiritual. Above all, we must give ourselves permission to grow and assume responsibility for our own being.

And part of taking responsibility for ourselves is taking care of our bodies and feeding our minds. We must open doors by seeking out wisdom — in books, music, study, travel and diverse community. And we must learn from nature, explore the relationship of all living things and find joy and wonder in being alive.

Experiment with your life

Yes, take risks. Try new things.

Sheehy’s research showed that the people who were most risk averse were not the old, but those in the middle. Men and women in their forties. Her theory was that people in their forties have not yet faced mortality — and so it seems closer, scarier.

As you gain mastery in what she calls Middle Adulthood, Sheehy says that you begin to approach mortality more as a negotiation. What changes are you willing to make to invest in your health and well-being? Are you ready to stop destructive defense mechanisms, such as numbing or avoiding with any number of habits?

And what is the payoff of becoming essential you?

The world needs what you have to give. It needs what only you can offer. Granny Jean said it so well.

“Yet, how important it is to your world — and to all of the universe that you find this essential you; because of all your skills, that which you do the best, what no one else can ever do, is be you.”

Elizabeth C. Junge, Excerpt from a speech given to the United Presbyterian Women, Corvallis, Oregon, February 17, 1982

Anything less is second best

She went on to say, “Whatever else you do is second best. Your wonderful, exciting, unique self, the only one in existence throughout all of the history of creation — the result of the selective compilation of genes from all of your ancestors since time began — You. There never was, there never will be an exact carbon copy, a duplication, a clone, of you.”

As I finish typing, I look up at a picture of Granny Jean with Grandpa Bob. Somehow I think she’s smiling down at me now, watching me catch on here. I’m not there yet, but I think I’m becoming Essentially Elaine.

Join me?

Other resources:

• Are you having a midlife crisis?
• A midlife manifesto
• When does middle age begin?

The post Becoming your essential self appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

In fact, few of us readily admit that we are in midlife or “middle aged.” Our culture favors the young and the strong. And we rarely see getting older as an advantage.

But middle age is an important development milestone for human beings. And it’s worth exploring when it begins so that we can effectively navigate this middle adulthood phase.

Can we define middle age numerically?

While middle age seems like it could be a numeric calculation, even age isn’t a definitive measure. The average life expectancy in the United States is currently 77.8 years. Females have a longer life expectancy, 80.5 years, on average outliving males by five years.

So in the U.S., the numeric midpoint for a person’s life span is between 37 and 40. But is that the starting point for middle age? Even ages 37-40 seems low by most accounts. While some reports say that adults begin entering middle age by 35, others default to 45 or even 50.

If not a set point, is there a date range?

We seem to have a problem with defining midlife and middle age. Merriam Webster defines midlife with just two words: middle age. Search middle age and you get, “The period of life from about 45 to about 64.” — Merriam-webster.com

Google takes it a step further and defines it as “the central period of a person’s life, generally considered as the years from about 45 to 55.” Psychology Today defines midlife as “the central period of a person’s life, spanning from approximately age 40 to age 65.”

It’s clear that middle age isn’t “just a number”

Middle age and midlife are terms that generate discussion, avoidance and dispute. But in the end, there are a few key points to help us better understand when middle age begins:

• “Middle age is the period in your life when you are no longer young but have not yet become old. Middle age is usually considered to take place between the ages of 40 and 60.” — Collinsdictionary.com
• A Chicago Tribune column written more than 35 years ago asked: When does a person reach middle age? After surveying readers, he received answers varying between 30 and 50 — and concluded that perhaps one day, though not likely, “It may become cool to be middle-aged.”
• Psychology Today writes, “Midlife or middle age is that transitional period of life between young adulthood and old age.” 
• Gail Sheehy, best-selling author of Passages, The Silent Passage, and New Passages, wrote in her author’s note at the beginning of New Passages: “The first glimpses of a midlife perspective usually begin to startle us in the middle of our thirties. Time starts to pinch.” She goes on to talk about the death of First Adulthood and the transition into Second Adulthood, defining it as a search for meaning.
• Some experts define it more as a state of mind. A Huffpost article highlights a study indicating that midlife begins somewhere near 35 and ends around 50 — and lists 25 Surefire Signs You’ve Finally Hit Middle Age.

Perhaps middle age begins when we say it does

Middle aged jokes aside, perhaps middle age begins for us when our mindset shifts. When we’re ready to admit that we’re no longer young –but we’re not yet old. When we begin to acknowledge numbered days and wonder what we will do with the rest of our one good life.

And perhaps middle age begins when we’re ready to think about what our epitaph will say or how our eulogy will read. Or, when we reach a point where we’re more interested in the life in our days than the days in our lives.

When does middle age begin?

Perhaps it’s less about when middle age begins and it’s more about how we spend these middle adulthood years! Think of middle age as an important transition, one in which we switch to living life more intentionally.

Think of it as a time when you can make dramatic changes in your life and habits. And when you can take care of your body, soul and mind so that you have room for greater experiences and contributions to the world.

Middle age means less time to waste

“No matter how you tell yourself
It’s what we all go through
Those lines are pretty hard to take
When they’re staring back at you
Oh, scared you’ll run out of time
When did the choices get so hard
With so much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious
When there’s less of it to waste”

― Bonnie Raitt, Nick of Time

If you’re noticing that you’re more in the middle age bucket than the young one, you’ll find lots of resources here on this website. Here are a few to get you started!

• Life is in the transitions
• What’s my role in the middle?
• Are you having a midlife crisis?

Plus, if you’d like a little help to work through the transition, I offer coaching and mentoring to help you deal with shifting roles, face unexpected challenges, and navigate toward fulfilling your dreams.

The post When does middle age begin? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

We don’t want to admit that we’re in midlife, because that means we’re getting old and we don’t feel old. And most of us certainly wouldn’t say we’re in imminent danger because we’re handling life just fine, thank you.

Sure, we’re navigating big and little changes, but we are strong and resourceful. But I have a hunch if you’re reading this that you sometimes wonder if you really do have it all under control. Or perhaps you wonder if you’re missing out on something?

Let’s explore this a little.

What is a midlife crisis?

To begin with, the term “midlife crisis” is not a recognized mental health diagnosis. According to Verywellmind.com, “People who are having a midlife crisis are thought to be struggling with their own mortality and, somewhere during midlife, they ditch some of their responsibilities in favor of fun. That’s why the term “midlife crisis” often causes people to picture mistresses and sports cars.”

And researchers don’t agree on what constitutes a midlife crisis. The American Psychological Association says an emotional crisis is evident from “a clear and abrupt change in behavior.” Often, the breaking or crisis point in midlife for many is not aging, but an external event such as a divorce, a move, a job change, and/or personal or family illness or death.

Mental health professionals debate if we truly go through a crisis in middle age. Just 26 percent of Americans report having had a midlife crisis.

However, many health experts agree on a consistent and significant dip in overall happiness and personal satisfaction during in this mid-life phase. Healthline reports that many men and women between 40 and 60 do go through “a prolonged period of malaise and questioning.”

Why do we dislike the phrase “midlife”?

Gail Sheehy, best-selling author of Passages, The Silent Passage, and New Passages, described the “psychic drama” of entering midlife. Western culture favors the young and paints a poor picture of middle age and aging. Plus, none of us want to face our own mortality.

In the author’s note at the beginning of the book, Sheehy wrote of entering middle adulthood as similar to watching the waves of the ocean, fearful of being swallowed by a sudden riptide.

We think of it as the beginning of the end

Inevitably, we think of midlife as the beginning of our big decline into “old age.” Sheehy described her own journey, saying:

“I too was running along the edge. The structure of my own world — the world of still-youngness where we can take our health for granted and throw ourselves at life, unprepared for inconsolable losses — was disintegrating. Since the thought of our own death is too terrifying to confront head-on, it keeps coming back in various disguises.”

But what if it’s a gift?

Whether we recognize and admit it or not, we’re no longer as young as we used to be. And, many of us in our 40s and 50s are approaching the halfway point in our expected lifespan. This is middle age, by definition.

Even 25 years ago, Sheehy’s purpose was to help us see a “rebellious purpose” in the Second Adulthood phase. She wanted us to redefine middle life and to think of passing into this new phase as a “conscious shift to another stage of life” — as a gift.

Most of us aren’t in crisis

We are strong women in our 40s and 50s and we’re getting a lot done. We’re building careers, doing meaningful work, marrying, having children. By most accounts, we’re achieving our dreams and have successful lives.

This just doesn’t feel like either midlife or a crisis. At least not in a way that we’d recognize or admit.

You may be in the process of shifting

Most of us won’t experience what has been called a midlife crisis, but instead more of a midlife shift. Over time, we begin to acknowledge that in-between space of life.

We begin to recognize that our kids grow older and more independent. We notice that we’ve settled into rhythms of work and life. Or, we begin to think more about retirement and what we want to do with the rest of our lives.

If you do experience a true emotional crisis, whether as a reaction to the prospect of aging or due to external factors, seek qualified help. There are many resources to help you deal effectively with major emotional upsets, including psychologists, psychiatrists, pastors, spiritual counselors and others. In most areas of North America, you can find free and confidential community resources by dialing 211.

Signs of shifting into midlife

Below are some ways you might notice you’re moving toward what Sheehy calls Second Adulthood. You might be shifting into midlife if you’ve ever:

• Said, “I’m not quite where I thought I’d be at this stage of my life.”
• Thought, “my kids are becoming more independent, and I’m not quite sure what’s next.”
• Yearned for a slower tempo and pace to life, for simplicity.
• Felt overwhelmed by multiple responsibilities and unsure if you’ve taken on more than you should.
• Wanted more time for reflection and thoughtful consideration.
• Found yourself reaching for unhealthy ways to unwind, destress, calm down.
• Questioned your purpose or identity, or sought deeper meaning in life.
• Explored who you’d like to be in the next phase of your life or what you’d like to do differently.
• Asked yourself, as Sheehy says, “How shall we live the rest of our lives?”

Resources for your journey

Navigating midlife has so much possibility when we approach it intentionally! For more inspiration and practical tips, check out these articles on:

• balancing midlife roles,
• navigating change,
• being in the sandwich generation,
• controlling what you can control,
• finding peace and purpose in midlife, or
• learning to prioritize self care.

Let’s do this together!

The post Are you having a midlife crisis? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.