It’s a moment in time that every parent appreciates: our kids are successfully making their own lives. And, miraculously, our kids appreciate US and enjoy spending time together.

Here’s a little bit about our journey of memory making! And, I wrap it up with a few tips for making your own memories with your young adults. (And I hope you’ll share your tips in the comments below!)

It’s been a journey

I’ve loved every phase of life with our girls. I’ve loved watching them learn and grow — and I’ve practiced letting go, almost from the day they were born.

Letting go wasn’t always an easy process for me — or for them. But it’s a necessary process. And, we’ve entered a phase where it’s not a power struggle.

I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.

We made a lot of memories along the way

In every phase of life, my husband and I work hard to create memories. We love to travel and we love the outdoors, nature and being active. And we love Alaska.

When the girls were young, we had a rustic cabin in the foothills of Denali, the tallest peak in North America. We spent many weekends there, and the girls adapted life off the grid, complete with a generator, no running water, and an outhouse.

They learned to ride snowmobiles and ATVs, ski on the lake, navigate in a sturdy john boat with a small “kicker,” and paddle the canoe or paddleboat. We sold that cabin as the girls got older, but now, nearly 10 years later, we have a new one with a few more amenities. (My criteria included that we could drive to it, and turn on a light switch and a faucet.)

Both ordinary and extraordinary …

Some of my most favorite memories are simple activities, full of life, laughter and love. Baking cookies or a cake, making meals together, celebrating birthdays. Watching a swim meet, soccer game, or musical performance. Riding bicycles, taking the dogs for a walk, going on a hike or to the zoo.

We’ve also taken numerous trips throughout Alaska, the United States and even internationally. Traveling together, seeing new places, and learning about life in other cultures expands our minds and broadens our perspectives.

Making memories with young adults

So now we’re transitioning to making memories with young adult children. We’ve been lucky to have our kids in the same town. And yes, I appreciate how fortunate we are to have proximity!

But we’re wise enough to know that life brings changes. And when our oldest daughter married a military man last fall, we knew change would come. So, we cherish these days with extra attention, knowing that in a few short months, these two will fly farther from the nest.

As I reflect on the past few months and this past weekend, I’ve noticed a few things. And, I want to share these observations for those of you also parenting young adults.

Tips for making memories with your young adult children

So now your kids have successfully (for the most part) launched, how do you continue making memories?

1. Schedule time together! Young adults lead busy lives. Remember those days? Whether your kids are working, in college, hanging out with friends, or even starting families — they have full calendars! If you’re waiting for the stars to align, you may never get together.

2. Plan fun outings and experiences. For example, last weekend we went on a guided fishing charter, caught two king salmon, and spent time together at the lake.

3. Book a regular time together. Since we know our time together is short, we’ve all agreed to a weekly dinner date and we have it on the calendar. We rotate homes so everyone gets a chance to host. And, we’re flexible. It’s much easier to cancel, meet with fewer people, or make other adjustments than it is to start fresh every time we want to get together. If you’re not in the same location, get creative with technology to stay in touch!

4. Be prepared to compromise on calendars — or moderate! Juggling calendars may require compromise. One of our daughters just had a schedule change that meant changing the night of our dinners. It created a not-so-pretty power struggle which was solved with a not-perfect-but-it’ll-do plan for alternating nights every other week as needed.

5. If you can, contribute $$ to the entertainment fund. Young adults likely have limited budgets and appreciate assistance. We often kick in half the cost of major outings and ask them to pay the other half. It’s our way of helping them while allowing them to “adult” also.

6. Take lots of photos! We love family pictures and videos and have several photographers in the family. It’s fun to share memories afterwards. And, you’ll have these for many years to relive your experiences.

Comments? And other resources.

What do you do to make memories? 🙋🏼‍♀️ What are some of your favorite ways to stay connected with your kids now that they’re adulting? Share in the comments below!

Need ideas for setting boundaries? Check out this post on Setting boundaries with adult children.

The post Making memories with your young adult children appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

And throughout their development, setting boundaries helps us manage the tension between holding tight and letting go. When they’re younger, we hold on a lot, but as they grow, we practice letting go. By the time our children become young adults, our role in a healthy relationship becomes much more influencer than controller.

There’s always a tension in letting go

Many parents struggle with this tension during the season of raising adolescents. One of my favorite books during this season was called “Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?” and subtitled “A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager.” With quite possibly the world’s longest (and yet somehow appropriate) title, author Anthony E. Wolf, describes this tension and provides good advice for parenting teenagers.

Wolf says, “If establishing a sense of one’s own independence is the main job of the adolescent, then letting go of their children is the main task of the parents of adolescents.” Both parents and children have evolving roles to play from adolescence and into adulthood.

For parents, letting go isn’t easy

Wolf acknowledges this process of letting go is hard. Our children learn to take control and responsibility for themselves, while, as parents, we’re learning to give up control.

We’re also learning to accept our children as they are or are becoming, which may or may not be what we’d hoped or envisioned for them. At the same time, our children are susceptible to making mistakes or suffering consequences of actions that we’d rather they avoid.

It’s a dance …

It’s a dance where it’s easy to lose track of who’s leading. But more importantly, it’s a dance where the parent continues to teach the child to be the leader of their own life.

Many parents struggle during this season because our roles evolve from being in charge of everything for our kids — to enabling our children to be in charge of their own lives. We must keep focused on the eventual goal of raising healthy and happy young adults.

At some point, they’ll be on their own and make their own rules. But there’s that gray area where some of the rules are ours and some of the rules are theirs. Many parents find this balance gets trickier with college-age or young working adults living at home. And with the pandemic, many students rebounded home unexpectedly creating more opportunities to negotiate “the dance.”

But then there’s the “roof rule”

At least that’s what we called it. On a few sticky points, my husband explained to our daughters: “What we have here is a roof problem. Our roof, our rules.”

While the young adults are in your home, you have the right to maintain non-negotiable rules. We held this card for issues most important to us, including safety, types of social gatherings in our home, monetary concerns, helping around the house, etc.

I have to say, this can be a tumultuous time.

And when the kids move out, you renegotiate

As empty-nesters, we now have renegotiated boundaries yet again. In some ways, it’s easier because the kids aren’t at home. And yet, it’s also harder because you want to spend time with your children — and you have your own time commitments.

I’ve yet to experience this personally, but my friends with grandkids tell me that boundary setting becomes increasingly important with the addition of a new generation! Again, as parents we want to help out and we want the best for our grandkids. But, we also have to define our personal priorities and needs before saying yes to every opportunity to babysit.

And, many parents address a variety of issues with their children including financial concerns, dissolving or abusive relationships with roommates or spouses, illness, or even death of a family member. Each of these requires open communication and an intentional renegotiation of boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be a tug of war

I’ve marveled as my kids spread their wings, venturing further and further out from the nest. I’ve also mourned because it means they fly farther and farther away.

Frankly, my adult children are better at setting boundaries than I am. But I am learning to navigate this boundary-setting season.

Here are a few tips for setting boundaries with adult children:

1. Be self aware. I put this first because as women, we often prioritize others’ needs and forget to check in with ourselves. We have to consider what we need to be healthy and happy, understanding that compromise may be necessary as well.
2. Align with your spouse (or other family members). If you’re making decisions about your children that impact other family members, be sure to check in with them before making commitments. Looking at a potential situation change from all sides prior to acting may help you avoid long-term frustration. And family members may provide alternative solutions you haven’t considered.
3. Be careful of enabling your children. Enabling versus helping can be a very fine line. You can help them evaluate options by asking them if they’ve considered other aspects, allow natural consequences, and still be helpful. And sometimes they simply need to fail at something to learn the lesson they need to learn.
4. Offer advice when requested; otherwise think carefully before you speak. When your adult child asks for advice, talk it through with him/her! But, if they haven’t asked, be careful about offering unsolicited advice. Ask yourself if what you’re thinking really needs to be said with your “out loud voice.” Often, the best gift we can give is to simply hold our tongue.
5. Encourage, encourage, encourage! Our kids need our encouragement more than ever as they’re exercising their “responsibility muscles.” A rule of thumb is to offer at least 5x positive reinforcement for every, shall we say, “less positive.”

And prayer, lots of prayer, always a good idea!

The post Setting boundaries with adult children appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Over nearly four decades of long-distance family relationships, I’ve learned to approach family visits with a lot of grace. Recognizing I’m part of an imperfect family helps me sow seeds of love, rather than getting caught up in what could easily become family drama.

Here are five tips to help you navigate family relationships near and far! You may find them especially useful for long-distance family visits, particularly if you haven’t had the opportunity to visit for a while.

1. Plan activities & go with the flow

Having a few activities planned gives you something to look forward to and helps you relax. I typically plan a few meals out with various family members, knowing this will give us time to visit over good food. I also try not to schedule too tightly, leaving room for impromptu activities.

On my latest trip, my aunt and I spent a day photographing wildflowers and wildlife on a nearby prairie. And, I spent another day driving through the woods with my brother and sister-in-law. We located a remote spot on the river that my dad particularly loved and fulfilled his wish by spreading some of his ashes there. Now that we’ve found it, we’ll return with other family members to enjoy this space.

2. Communicate in advance

If you’re the one traveling, be sure to communicate when you’ll arrive and leave, and what time you have available. Be prepared with a list of things you’d like to do and ask them for suggestions as well.

Getting details confirmed well in advance helps you and other family members work through any differences of opinion. Plus, you’ll avoid unnecessary arguments if everyone knows that you’ll be with mom on Tuesday and sister Susie on Wednesday!

3. Consider personalities and time constraints

Knowing the family personalities helps you schedule activities and timing. While it may be more convenient to schedule one big outing, I’ve learned that this overwhelms many individuals — and can be taxing to coordinate.

Plus, some family members prefer 1:1 time while others love to interact in larger groups. If you have the time and resources, arrange to visit with individuals, couples or smaller family groups separately. And, be sure to check with individual family members on their work schedules and/or available time.

4. Allow for down time during your visit

Everyone needs some down time, but introverts especially need to replenish their energy. If you’re an extrovert, take note of the introverts in the family and give them space. You’ll find the quality of your interactions much better when more introverted family members get their down time.

If you’re an introvert, remember to take care of yourself. Schedule in time to go for a walk, read a book, or whatever feeds your soul. Consider where you’re staying also — you may find that staying at a hotel or quieter family member’s place allows you to interact more gracefully!

5. Accept family members in their imperfection

We’re all imperfect and as much as we’d like to tell other family members where they’re going wrong or could do better, this rarely works. You might not have handled a situation in the same way, spent money the way they did, or treated another family member “like that” — but sharing your opinion usually only fans the flames.

If you feel you need to speak truth into someone else’s life, it’s often helpful to ask them questions, such as “have you thought about …?” And certainly, if asked for your thoughts, share your experiences and perspectives! Allowing family members the space to make their own mistakes without a great deal of judgement is a fine art and one of the most difficult things to do with imperfect families.

Have fun navigating your long-distance family visits!

If nothing else, this pandemic has taught us to appreciate time together with loved ones. But families can also be tricky — and the dynamics may require you to be patient. Just remember, you’re not the only one with a family that’s a bit weird, and quirky, and maybe even frustrating at times.

But, if you can accept the imperfection — see past it, or through it, you’ll often find that your imperfect family knows you and loves you the best they can. And if you’re lucky, that’s just good enough!

If you’re also caring for aging parents …

Here are a few links you may find helpful:

• Resources | Caring for parents
• Tips for visiting assisted living facilities

The post Navigating long-distance family visits appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

If you haven’t been allowed to visit your parent or loved one for a while, or have been restricted to public area visits, you know it’s just not the same as pre-Covid visits. I live more than 2,000 miles from my parents and was visiting every 6-10 weeks prior to Covid. I had my first in-person visit in 8 months this week.

But then our world shut down

And many of us weren’t allowed to see our parents for months. I stood outside my mom and stepdad’s living room window waving goodbye as I left last March.

When we could visit, it was either outdoors, or as we moved into winter, in private waiting rooms sanitized and often observed. Knowing the severe ALF restrictions — not to mention travel and flight restrictions — I only traveled two more times in that crazy year. And only because my father, who recovered from the hip surgery, fell ill and then passed away.

It’s been a crazy year

Like everyone else, I adapted. I had already convinced several doctors to loop me in by phone for appointments I couldn’t make in person. The pandemic actually made this process much easier as more healthcare facilities developed virtual options for patient visits. Adding a three-way conference was often unusual, but care providers accommodated my requests.

I am so grateful for video communication with my parents. Thankfully, I purchased a Grandpad, an elder friendly video conference solution, just a few months prior. (Check out this page with tips and suggestions for Low tech tips to communicate long distance with seniors.) My parents were well accustomed to these video calls, and as the in-person visits dropped off, I increased the frequency. Our daily calls have become a routine that we all enjoy — even the cat joins mom and I, and my step-dad frequently pops in to say hi.

What can you expect now?

As residents are vaccinated and national/state restrictions lift, care facilities are reassessing protocols. Some are beginning to allow limited in person visits with residents in their rooms (often called compassionate care visits).

This week, I traveled to Oregon to visit my mom and step-dad. I worked closely with the Assisted Living Facility (ALF) in advance. And, knowing my situation, they’ve allowed more visits within a tighter timeframe of four days. I was able to secure one in-room visit and two visits in a designated room.

Based on my experience, I put together a few tips to help you plan your visits when you’re able to do so.

Tips for planning assisted living visits

Since visits are still limited, it’s helpful to have a plan. Here are my tips to help you make the most of your in-room visits.

1. Discuss rules and limitations with facility staff prior to your visit. At a minimum, you’ll need to complete a screening and adhere to mask and social distancing guidelines. Make sure you know how long you’re allowed to stay.
2. Discuss the visit with your parent or loved one in advance (to the extent that they’re able to communicate). If possible, include them in the planning by asking them if they have specific concerns or activities in mind. If you have specific tasks you want to accomplish, let them know. For instance, I wanted to check for letters or communications I needed to help them address, inventory clothing and supplies, and trim the cats nails, etc.
3. Adjust your pace and allow time to simply visit. Most elders in facilities are accustomed to a much slower pace and won’t appreciate feeling rushed. They’ll appreciate your time and company more than anything else! I pulled out a couple of photo albums and we had a great time looking at pictures.
4. Bring a special gift (if allowed). I brought my folks an Alaska-themed mask each, as well as books I knew they’d like. Even though I send them packages regularly, the hand-delivered gifts were most appreciated!
5. Be sure to check in with facility staff while there and show your appreciation! I’m so grateful for the wonderful staff! From prior visits, I know many of them by name and have spoken with them on the phone when I couldn’t visit. It’s good to touch base while you’re there and let them know they’re valued.

I wish you a wonderful visit

I hope that you’re able to spend time with your loved ones. This year more than any other has been a difficult one for those of us navigating life with aging parents, particularly those in facilities.

Drop a comment below if you have additional ideas or suggestions!

The post Tips for planning assisted living visits appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Fifty seven years I spent with Dad in my life. I’m not quite certain what it means to go forward without his steadying influence. I’m a “grown-up woman,” more than 40 years away from home. So why does this loss seem to strike at the core of who I am?

I’m not sure, but I think it has to do with roots.

After Dad passed away, as we were going through his belongings and preparing for the celebration of his life, I found myself often searching for meaning. Surrounded by reminders of his love for all of us was comforting and yet so lonely without him.

Instinctively, I sought out experiences he loved. I hopped in his old Chevy pick-up and pointed the wheel in every direction on roads he’d traveled many times in his 60 years living in Central Oregon. I headed for the mountains and forests, parking the pick-up and walking with my camera in hand. I took pictures, prayed, watched for sights and experiences he would have loved. Inevitably, I saw a bird, a deer, or a beautiful flower — and I could feel Dad’s steadiness growing inside of me.

Roots come from shared experiences

On the day of the service for Dad, after all of the family togetherness and as I was preparing to return to Alaska, I returned to the cemetery to say goodbye. We chose his resting place well, under an old Juniper tree with weathered bark and experience in its roots and limbs. I felt peaceful, yet lonely. As I was preparing to leave, I walked a few short steps — and from a nearby field, three does and 5 baby fawns emerged.

The sight was a gift. But even more so was their presence. These deer settled in around me, eyes peering at me intently. As I stood rooted to the ground, camera in hand, they took tentative steps toward me, curious and somehow comforting in their approach. I felt surrounded by love, comforted in my grief, and hopeful for this new future.

Good roots also give us wings

At this moment, my future seems more about wings than roots. Not only am I flying on without my father, but my girls are springing wings as well. They’re both in their mid-twenties, well past the fledgling stage. And yet, they’re on the verge of further flights from the nest. One, newly engaged, and one moving into her first home.

Flying on without those that have given us deep roots is the natural order of things. All of this. Growth, change, even death. And yet, in times of change, we do need to reach both inward and outward for the roots that steady us.

We need the deep reassurance that comes from soul work, from the roots of our life with God and our life with our parent(s). We need the steady love of a father, both an imperfect earthly one and an always more than perfect heavenly one.

And with wings we always need our roots

I’m finding steady solace in reading God’s word, sorting through Dad’s things — and in the beauty of observing the natural world. I like to think of this last piece as watching God paint a grand moving picture. I truly believe He’s always at work, not just for me, but for anyone that’s watching. Each day as my husband and I head out on our walk, we look up to the mountains and the sky.

Every day is a new picture, a new gift to welcome us. This morning, as raindrops fell ever so slightly, the sun peaked out between the clouds over the mountains. We were both a little weary, speaking of just taking it a step at a time in a long journey adapting to our changing world. The light shining through reminded us that God’s light is always there, though sometimes obscured by clouds.

And sometimes, his love shines through in the song of a bluebird or the gaze of a deer. You just have to look to see it.

Roots & wings

I leave you with these wise words penned in the poem, “Roots & Wings,” by Denis Waitley, author and speaker:

If I had two wishes, I know what they would be

I’d wish for Roots to cling to, and Wings to set me free;

 Roots of inner values, like rings within a tree;

and Wings of independence to seek my destiny.

 Roots to hold forever to keep me safe and strong,

To let me know you love me, when I’ve done something wrong;

 To show me by example, and helps me learn to choose,

To take those actions every day to win instead of lose.

 Just be there when I need you, to tell me it’s all right,

To face my fear of falling when I test my wings in  flight;

 Don’t make my life too easy, it’s better if I try,

And fail and get back up myself, so I can learn to fly.

 If I had two wishes, and two were all I had,

And they could just be granted, by my Mom and Dad;

 I wouldn’t ask for money or any store-bought things.

The greatest gifts I’d ask for are simply Roots and Wings.

By Denis Waitley

May you find both roots and wings in your life today. May you slow your pace, open your eyes and notice the beauty around you. And may you feel God’s presence in your heart and life.

The post Finding your roots and wings when you’ve lost a parent appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Dad was a fighter. He wanted to be with us and he wanted to be healthy. In his last hospital stay, Dad had a team of experts gathered and in the end, they told him, “we know you’ve got the will and the drive but your body is not cooperating with you.”

The doctors told me he said, “When it’s time to go, it’s time to go.” I think these words were a final gift to us, to me as his primary advocate. He’d wanted to be sure that as long as there was a chance he could live a happy and productive life, he had the chance to do so. And when it was time, he wanted to go peacefully.

Dad truly was a fighter.

In the last 2 1/2 years of his life, Dad was in the hospital 31 times — an exact average of once a month for 31 months. The reasons for his hospital visits were varied since his medical conditions were complicated and sometimes interacted in strange ways with each other. He was tough and rarely complained about pain.

Over the 31 months, Dad’s hospitalizations treated high blood sugars, urinary tract infections, pneumonia, skin tears from falls, a heart valve replacement, and edema from congestive heart failure. This past March, he took a hard fall, breaking a hip and several ribs and suffering a horrible skin tear that covered his left forearm. After nearly two weeks stabilizing in the hospital, he went into rehabilitation for a month and worked his way back to walking. He returned to his home in assisted living.

But then his body started to decline

In May and early June, dad was hospitalized twice, first with a low grade fever, then shortness of breath and chest pressure. He continued to have signs of an inflammation somewhere in his body, but nothing definitive was found. He spent the last half of June in the hospital, then went back to rehab to regain strength.

But this time the rehab visit was short. His body truly wasn’t cooperating. When Dad entered the hospital for what became his final visit, the medical team truly pulled together to try to identify the source of his inflammation. In the end, they couldn’t be sure without tests that would have been difficult for him, perhaps inconclusive, and effectively not treatable since his body was giving out.

Dad was so tired

Dad wanted to go back to his assisted living home and the medical transport brought him home on a Saturday afternoon. As his body let go, Dad slept. And slept. And over the next 2 1/2 days, family gathered to say our goodbyes. At the beginning, he acknowledged us with his eyes, and a slight smile.

But for Dad, it was essentially a silent goodbye. It was okay. We knew he loved us.

For me, any type of goodbye is hard. In a way, final goodbyes are beyond words anyway. The hospice nurse told us he could hear us but would likely be too tired to speak. As I held his hand and told him goodbye, I sensed that he knew we were there and felt our love as we felt his. We played his favorite songs, and ours in tribute to him, on the little speaker he always wanted playing in his room.

And then the bluebird sang

I noticed it first, sitting on the fence. Then, all of us gathered in the room saw the bird. We caught it on the camera as Dad’s breathing slowed. Then that silly bird flitted back and forth rapidly — as we prayed and Dad breathed his last and grew silent.

We knew Dad was in a better place. And somehow, that little bluebird symbolized so much of what was left unsaid. I found a little tiny bluebird charm in a gift shop later that week. The card accompanying it reads, Bluebird of Happiness:

“This little bluebird is special, so cheery and merry too; He’s here for just one reason, to bring happiness to you! Just keep him close or carry him, enjoy each and every day; This little Bluebird of Happiness, will bring smiles along the way!

A.S. Waldrop

I miss Dad a lot. And I’ve seen a lot of Mountain Bluebirds since we said goodbye. And each time, I smile and say hi, grateful that he’s sending a message my way.

If you’d like to know more about Dad, I’ve linked to his obituary in the Central Oregonian. Jim Austin was a good man who lived a good life — and he’s missed dearly.

The post Goodbye, Dad appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

From a distance, everything seemed fine. Until it wasn’t. For my parents, medical issues were the breaking point. My first inkling they needed support was three years ago. Over time, I stepped into a stronger advocacy and support role.

Early in my involvement, an experienced social worker and a banker stepped in to encourage me to gain a power of attorney to help support my parents “in case they needed it.” My parents were willing to sign the document — and that turned out to be really good advice.

As their needs have grown, the power of attorney document enables me to better assist my mom and step-dad, as well as my dad. My parents make many decisions about their own care, but as an advocate, I’m positioned to help. The POA is much like the training wheels on a bike when my kids were little — there when they need a little extra support.

Advocating for parents during a pandemic

This long-distance advocacy role is more difficult with COVID-19 and a pandemic, but if anything, I’m more determined than ever. Our aging parents are caught in the conundrum of isolating for their own protection — when they need social support the most.

One good aspect of the pandemic is the increased support and focus on telemedicine. Previously when I suggested sitting in on appointments by phone, many doctors found this to be very unusual. Most accommodated once I explained the situation. But now, many providers offer virtual appointments, by phone or video services.

Advocating for your parents during crisis

When medical conditions shift unexpectedly, your advocating role needs to move into high gear. My dad’s condition in the past few months has been a series of advocating opportunities.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Dad broke his hip in March, just as COVID protocols were being implemented. His recovery had been steady, until he had another setback in the past few weeks.

After three hospitalizations, we’ve learned of a new inflammatory diagnosis. With multiple medical conditions already, Dad definitely needs support navigating potential treatment plans. The new diagnosis requires treatment that exacerbates these conditions — and sometimes makes it harder for him to focus.

This is when advocacy is hard — answers aren’t always straight-forward or simple. And yet, these times highlight the important role that being a good advocate plays in my parents’ lives.

What makes a good advocate?

I often think about what characteristics make a good advocate. Here are some thoughts that may guide you as you consider your role and unique situation:

• Bring a caring heart and kind spirit. Your parents are changing and no doubt you are also. Start with kindness, always.
• Needs-focused approach. As an advocate, you will walk a fine line between your parent’s independence and your support. Safety and security top the list of needs, and even here, you may find different standards.
• Good communication skills. Navigating changing relationships requires that you speak openly and honestly — and always with kindness and good intentions.
• Flexibility. Avoid assuming that things are status quo and be prepared to adjust according to changing needs.
• Good observational skills. When you think of yourself as an advocate, you begin to notice where your parents may need additional assistance. As you notice, this is a good time to use your communication skills and begin to ask if they might benefit from a little extra help.
• Willingness to ‘go there.’ You may have unresolved issues on both sides and facing these honestly and kindly helps you avoid or minimize potential land mines. If siblings are involved, situations can be even more complicated.
• Tenacity and determination — This is where ‘Mama Bear’ starts to kick in. I’ll talk more about this in a later post but, much like a mama bear watches out for her cubs, a good advocate will step into this mode with parents!

Advocating for parents as they age is important

As your parents age the roles begin to shift, perhaps imperceptibly at first, and then more clearly. A good advocate recognizes and prepares for these shifts by keeping an open mind and a compassionate heart.

Later, we’ll talk more about specific areas of advocacy. As your parents age, you can advocate for them by helping them adjust to their own changing needs, helping family members see and understand changes, and gradually beginning to advocate within the medical and potentially caregiving communities.

Advocating for aging parents can be a delicate balance. And always, the best advocates have a great deal of heart and a commitment to ensuring parents are well cared for as they age.

As you seek to honor your father and mother, may you have a strong heart, caring hands and smart mind!

The post Advocating for your parents as they age appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

In midlife, many of us realize that our parents need a little, or even a lot, of help. While we’ve been busy with careers and growing families, our parents may have been a resource for us. And while we may live in the same community, often our parents are in another community. Too often, the fact that they need help catches us off guard.

Perhaps it shouldn’t be a surprise, though.

The “elder boom” is on its way

By the year 2050, the number of people aged 65 and older will nearly double. The Pew Research Center expects the burden on families to grow along with the demographic trend of the United States turning gray.

Many are calling this trend an elder boom. In a 2018 Retro Report documentary titled, The Future of Aging, Sarita Gupta describes this trend as “a whole new way of life for our country.” Gupta, executive director of Jobs With Justice, is nationally recognized for her work on economic and political issues affecting working people.

Many seniors are working longer and have fewer resources

The Future of Aging documentary cites corresponding trends that will likely impact the number of seniors needing assistance from family members:

• Seniors are waiting longer to retire, largely because they can’t afford to retire. Many rely on social security or have limited retirement savings.
• One study projects that 40 percent of older middle-class workers will have incomes below or near the poverty level when they retire.
• And the percentage of people over 65 who are filing for bankruptcy has increased five-fold since 1991.

And the “sandwich generation” is stepping up

The Pew Research Center recently surveyed adults ages 40-59 who have at least one parent aged 65 or older and at least one child aged 18 or older. The results showed that many men and women in midlife are already assisting their parents.

“In the U.S., about six-in-ten (58%) have assisted an aging parent with errands, housework or home repairs in the preceding 12 months. About three-in-ten (28%) say they have helped financially, while half as many (14%) say they have helped a parent with personal care, such as bathing or getting dressed.”

(https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/05/21/family-support-in-graying-societies/)

As more women join the sandwich generation Midlife Timeout offers caregiving resources

Whether you’ve been assisting your aging parents for a while or you’re just stepping into this journey, join us! Midlife Timeout provides soul space and practical resources for caregivers, especially those with dementia or other complex medical issues. I invite you to explore the website!

Check out these pages to get started:

Caring for Parents

Long Distance Caregiving

I am so grateful for this caregiving role with my aging parents. I’ve learned a lot. And I look forward to sharing my experiences and learning from you!

May you find joy and hope as you navigate midlife. May you continue to connect and learn from your parents as you provide support. And may you find peace in your caregiving journey!

The post The “sandwich generation” appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Based on this experience and more than three years as a long-distance caregiver, I’ve put together 6 tips to help you stay on top of medical concerns for your loved ones. These will serve you well during COVID-19 and beyond.

1. Prepare for the unexpected

For me, this particular medical journey began prior to the COVID-19 restrictions. I flew down for Dad’s hip surgery and spent a few days visiting him in the hospital. Then, on a Thursday afternoon, nurses attended a meeting and came back to inform me that visitors were no longer allowed.

Hospitals and other medical providers have had to adjust quickly to COVID-19 requirements, so you may not have much notice on changing procedures. Because Dad’s condition was still quite tenuous, I stayed in the area for a week longer.

2. Keep a medical journal

Since all of my parents are in varying stages of dementia, they needed help managing their overall health and specific medical conditions. Keeping a medical journal is a practice I began early in my caregiving journey. Dad’s medical conditions are the most complex however, I also need to keep on top of medical appointments, prescriptions, treatments and procedures for my mom and step dad.

3. Ask to sit in on appointments

As our parents age, and particularly when they have dementia or complex medical needs, they benefit from having you “in the room.” While this can be challenging when you support them long-distance, I’ve found that most providers are very supportive. When arranging appointments (other than during COVID-19), schedule them to coincide with your visits. Or, speak to the administrative or care staff in advance of the appointment to arrange to sit in by phone.

With COVID-19 restrictions and distancing procedures, many providers are now conducting telehealth appointments. In my experience so far, this simplifies the process as they are using teleconference or videoconference technology. And this means you can also sit in on the appointment virtually.

4. Act as an advocate — and communicate closely with your loved one

From the beginning, set the stage by letting your loved one know that you are there to help them. You’re an advocate and you help them manage the details. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to reassure them that that they are still in charge of their health! If you get this right from the beginning, your loved one will appreciate your presence. And, they are much more likely to consent to having you involved.

5. Make sure you have the appropriate paperwork

Depending on the stage of your involvement, you may have a Power of Attorney agreement enabling (or directing) you to assist. In many cases, medical providers will also need a signed HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) agreement from your loved one.

I’ve had a POA in place for each of my parents for some time now but it’s been a gradual process. They are capable of making many decisions on their own and we are all happier if they retain as much control as possible. Check with your attorney regarding your specific needs.

6. Develop relationships with key medical providers

Medical providers are critically important to your caregiving strategy. Developing and maintaining good relationships with your loved ones’ doctors, nurses and office administrators will make your life so much easier. And, when you are organized and prepared, you also make their lives easier.

Since my parents are in an assisted living facility, I have personal phone numbers for key staff, including the onsite nurse. I communicate regularly with them and with my parents’ primary care providers (PCPs). And, another role I play is in making sure that when my parents see specialists, information is conveyed appropriately to the PCPs. This is particularly important if your loved ones have non-standard medical support, such as through the Veteran’s Administration.

Yes, you can manage medical conditions as a long-distance caregiver during COVID-19

Managing medical conditions virtually during COVID-19 requires you to be on your toes. But, you have more control than you think. And, when you prepare, advocate, communicate and carefully navigate — you will truly make a difference for your loved ones.

Dad has been working hard at physical and occupational therapy and is moving back to his assisted living home tomorrow. Life is not certain, but we continue to step forward in faith.

And remember, long distance social support for elderly parents is so important!

Additional resources:

If You Are at Higher Risk | CDC

AARP’s Practical Tips for Caregivers Concerned About Coronavirus

World Economic Forum | COVID-19: 4 tips to help the elderly stay connected

AARP: Families Concerned About Loved Ones in Nursing Homes, Assisted Living

May God bless you in your caregiving journey. May you find the deep unlimited resources you need. And may God keep you and your loved ones safe, healthy and happy during these unprecedented times.

The post Managing medical conditions as a long-distance caregiver during COVID-19 appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Because those over the age of 70 are the most vulnerable to the coronavirus they also have the strictest isolation requirements. And social distancing may lead to loneliness. Now more than ever, your parent needs contact with you and other family members!

The Loneliness Project defines loneliness as “a feeling one has when what one desires in terms of relationship/connection does not currently exist.” Thus, loneliness is the gap between a desired level of connection and an experience.

Most elderly people desire deeper connections with family members. And, while there are many dimensions to social and emotional support, few matter to our parents as much as their family connections.

No matter how you look at it caring for elderly parents means making sure they are safe, happy and taken care of. If their well-being is ensured then we have peace of mind.

Aging in Place (https://www.aginginplace.org/a-guide-to-caring-for-elderly-parents/)

Tips for social / emotional support

• Connecting with your parent can be as simple as a phone conversation, a video chat, or sending cards and letters.
• Talk about current affairs and reassure your parent by helping them understand why they are more isolated.
• Be available to reduce anxiety as needed, picking up the phone to listen and encourage them.
• Help your parents feel loved and honored by listening to their stories.
• And, remember to record stories and memories so that you can refer to them later. You may think you’ve heard a story so many times you can’t forget it but having it written down or recorded will be a precious memory later.

Connecting virtually has become the new normal. To help you provide social / emotional support to your elderly parents, we will be sharing suggestions for connecting virtually.

Check out this recent post: Five low-tech ways to connect virtually with your senior parents.

The post Long distance social support for elderly parents appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.