Try harder or live lighter?

Why is it that when life gets tough, we think we need to try harder, work harder, dig deeper? What if, instead, we chose to live lighter?

It’s counter-intuitive, but when you’re overwhelmed, living lighter not trying harder makes a lot of sense. Sometimes what we need most is to step away from the fray, not run toward it!

But so often, we choose to stay in the fight even when we are exhausted from it.

Our society values hard work

The Oxford Dictionary defines a work ethic as ” the principle that hard work is intrinsically virtuous or worthy of reward.” And, many of us were taught to work hard from a young age — by our parents, our culture, our communities.

A solid work ethic is built into our basic DNA with sayings such as “When the going gets tough, the tough get going” and “opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don’t recognize them.”

But trying harder can be a vicious cycle

It’s not that hard work is intrinsically bad; it’s noble and important. Our country and our communities are built on hard work!

But when it becomes a way of life or a means of avoiding deeper issues, this “try harder” approach can make us more frustrated, not less. The more we try, the more tired we become.

And if we keep forcing ourselves to do more, be more, try more — we risk the syndrome internationally recognized as burnout.

We become overwhelmed and exhausted

Widely recognized to be a result of overwork, burnout has been recognized as a syndrome by many medical professionals. In 2016, it was added to the World Health Organization’s International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD).

Burnout is a state of physical and emotional exhaustion, characterized by an inability to relax. Burnout is essentially our reaction to an extended period of stress that exceeds our ability to cope with it effectively.

What causes burnout?

Authors Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski Peterson, DMA examined this syndrome extensively in their book Burnout. After extensive research, they concluded that three main factors influence the burnout condition:

• Emotional exhaustion – fatigue that comes from caring too much, for too long;
• Depersonalization – the depletion of empathy, caring, and compassion; and
• Decreased sense of accomplishment – an unconquerable sense of futility: feeling that nothing you do makes any difference.

We’re trying harder, but it feels futile

Essentially, if we’ve set unrealistic expectations of what we can or should accomplish in a day, we never feel as though we’re done. If we believe that we can have it all, we misinterpret this to mean that we must do it all.

So, we set high expectations for ourselves, strive and push in a million different directions. And all too often, we ignore emotions and neglect ourselves in the process.

We ignore the signals

We’re exhausted because we’re stuck in the emotions we aren’t processing. But we ignore the signals because we’ve been conditioned to simply work harder, try something different.

Your body knows you need to take care of yourself, “but that instinct for self-preservation is battling a syndrome that insists that self-preservation is selfish, so your efforts to care for yourself might actually make things worse, activating even more punishment from the world or from yourself, because how dare you?” (Nagoski and Peterson, Burnout).

It’s a vicious cycle because we’re burnt out. And, when we’re burnt out, research shows that our brains and our bodies don’t work as well.

Turns out, we need to live lighter

A lighter approach IS the antidote to overworking. We just have to convince ourselves that it’s okay to stop striving and trying so hard.

Nagoski and Peterson prescribe three essential burnout antidotes:

1. Connection – creating bubbles of love and support,
2. Rest — slowing our pace and giving our bodies and minds a break, and
3. Growing mighty by practicing self compassion to “the difficult, fragile part of yourself that tries to bridge the unbridgeable chasm between you and expected-you.”

Trust me, the world won’t fall apart

Will the world fall apart if we stop overworking ourselves? Most of us are too afraid to find out.

We’ve grown used to picking up the slack so we fear everything will fall apart if we stop doing what we do. But, surprisingly, when we slow down, the world keeps on spinning.

Sometimes our lighter approach and slower pace inconveniences someone and we hear about it. And not everything will be done perfectly, but if you focus on doing the right things, the rest will take care of itself.

Hi, my name is Elaine

And I’m a chronic over-worker, try harder kind of gal. But I’m learning to live differently. I’m learning to live lighter, to give myself and others grace. And, I’m learning to connect, rest, and grow mighty when “Expected Me” tries to push me around.

Will you join me?

Inspiration and resources

If you’re tired of trying harder and want to live lighter, check out these articles:

• Building margins into your life
• Lighten up 2021
• A midlife manifesto

Often, we’re overworking because of the voices in our own heads, not because anyone is telling us we have to do things.

Elaine JungE