What’s my role in the middle?

Do you ever wonder, “what’s my role in the middle?” In the shifting sands of life sandwiched between raising young adults and supporting aging parents, our role also seems to shift. One day we’re busy letting go and the next we are taking on more responsibility.

Over the years we hold many titles, often including the parochial “chief cook and bottle washer.” Most of us juggle(d) multiple titles, such as wife, mother, sister, daughter, soccer coach or team manager, PTA or Bible study leader, and often PT/FT careers.

But roles shift and move

And as our roles shift and move, we sometimes realize that living this life takes much more than we’d imagined from us. Often, life has brought unexpected difficulties and challenges and isn’t quite the bed of roses we dreamed it would be.

And now in midlife, we sometimes wonder if we’ve left behind our dreams, even though our dreams were just this life. We wanted to be wives and mothers, have jobs or careers, and volunteer.

Ours roles become a delicate balance

The challenge isn’t so much the shifting roles as how suddenly the changes sneak up on us. We’re smart and capable of managing a lot. It’s just that our children need us less and sometimes our parents need us more.

And before we realize it, we can feel like we’re on a tightrope trying to balance our roles and somehow be ourselves in the middle.

We’re letting go of our children

Many of us have invested ourselves deeply in raising kids. As they gain independence, our role shifts. Once they relied on us for EVERYTHING.

Now we are cheerleaders, advisors, a safe and reliable home base. With children, the tension of letting go is our daily life.

At the same time, our parents need us more

Parents who have been our advisors and support gradually begin to need our help. And this also brings tension of changing roles: the tension of grabbing hold, providing more and more support.

Like our children, our parents value their independence. And few of us want for them to have any less control of their lives. But aging comes to all of us and with it comes certain limitations of body, mind and spirit.

Stepping into supporting our parents requires a delicate balance, a dance. As I’ve stepped into a supportive role with my parents, the philosophy that guides me is to support them in doing as much as they can on their own. And, more importantly, to give them a safety net and a balancing hand when they need it.

We’re a much-needed link in the middle

While it’s sometimes challenging to define our role sandwiched in the middle of our children and our parents, I can think of no greater privilege than being this link. We see the energy and hope in the future — and strength and perseverance in the past.

In the middle, we can take the long view. In the long line of ancestors and descendants, none of us are perfect, nor will we ever be so. Our grandparents and parents made mistakes — and they learned. We also live imperfectly. And we know our children will forge ahead, hopefully learning from prior generations, by trial and error.

And yet, it’s up to us to define our role

Our role here in the middle is much about putting our arms out in both directions, providing support and encouragement, and linking the generations. And yet, our exact role will be uniquely ours, depending on the circumstances in our lives.

Much like the gal on the tightrope in the photo, we need to find “our pose,” our place in life. Brene Brown refers to this process of discovering your identity in midlife as “unraveling.” Often messy, rarely easy, the process unfolds over time. And it’s a journey each of us has to make for ourselves.

Our roles are complicated — and simple

In a poem titled, “Like Mother, Like Daughter” in the delightful book When I am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple, editor Sandra Martz brings us a bit of perspective when it comes to relationships in the middle.

“I now mother my mother when I can no longer mother my daughter who is older than I have ever felt myself to be.”

Susan S. Jacobson

Yes, life in the middle can be complicated, and yet, I am inspired by so many smart and capable women doing it well. Finding your unique midlife role is a rewarding journey, and it’s great to have traveling companions also finding their way.

Often we need time and space to unravel

So I hope that you’ll continue to join me here, in this space and on Facebook and Instagram. Here, we’ll take time out together to explore our role(s) in midlife. Thanks for joining in!