Time and space to grieve

When you lose a loved one, you need time and space to grieve. For the rest of your life, you will be living life “without.” The finality of this loss, of death, messes with you. And, we each need time to process this in our own way.

I’m passing the one-year mark on this “withoutness,” after losing my dad in July 2020. This was my most personal loss, the one that has rocked me in ways I expected and in ways I didn’t anticipate.

Whether you’re experiencing grief personally or standing alongside a grieving friend, I hope that these reflections will bring you guidance, comfort and ideas for supporting yourself and those around you who grieve the loss of a loved one.

Death is mysterious

The concept of death is mysterious, even when you’re a Christian, even when you believe in the afterlife, in heaven. The Christian blueprint for living, the Bible, speaks of death, promises reunion with loved ones who also love God. But while it brings hope and a promise, it also speaks of faith in the unseen. Details are not provided.

We must wait and see. And, because we don’t know what heaven brings, we have difficulty imagining a new life and this future reunion. But we count on the promise of God’s word.

We know that God holds our loved ones near

The basic premise of Christianity is the promise of John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

But our human understanding of eternity is limited, at best. Still, theories abound. Across the ages, religious leaders, physicists, neurologists, and other experts have been fascinated with what happens to our spirits and souls when we die.

As Christians, we rest on the hope and promise that our spirits return to God.

For then the dust will return to the earth, and the spirit will return to God who gave it.

Ecclesiastes 12:7

Grief is both universal and personal

We all grapple with uncertainty, with not understanding or knowing the exact nature of death. And most perhaps most importantly, we go through a process of adjustment to living without our loved one(s) in the interim.

The stages of grief have been well-studied, and modern theories date back to the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross who described five stages of grief in her book “On Death and Dying.” The five stages included denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The Elizabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation describes her work on the grieving process in much more detail, emphasizing her own “repeated warnings that many of these “stages” overlap, occur together, or even that some reactions are missed altogether.”

Learning about grief and becoming comfortable with the grieving process will help you understand your emotions as you traverse your own grief. It will also help you support grieving friends or family members.

How do we give ourselves time and space to grieve?

Now that I’ve nagivated a year in my grieving process, I have a few suggestions that may help you:

1. Learn about the grieving process. While your journey will be unique, others have walked and are walking this path. Seek out resources so you know what to expect, at least some of the time.
2. Let your pace be your pace. While there are predictable stages of grief, you may not experience them in the same way as someone else.
3. Pay attention to your emotions. Slow down and notice how you’re feeling, what you’re experiencing in body and mind. Take time to feel and to simply be.
4. Seek out comfort with others who knew your loved one. This is especially important in the early stages of your loss. Share memories, photos, stories.
5. Commemorate your loved one through a Celebration of Life, an obituary, and ceremonies such as burial or spreading of ashes. You may also find comfort in visiting places that were important to your loved one, especially those in nature.
6. When you’re ready, go through personal belongings and select a couple meaningful pieces. You may find that a shirt or jacket reminds you of your loved one. I kept one of Dad’s favorite jackets and simply wrapped myself in a virtual hug often.
7. Acknowledge milestones and holidays that remind you of your loved one. You will react differently to these days and may need to step back and allow yourself more time and space to grieve.
8. Process your grief in ways that are meaningful to you. Depending on your manner of processing, you may find it helpful to journal, to have quiet conversations with loved ones, or to simply walk or sit in nature. You know yourself best, so simply follow your heart.

How do you hold time and space for others to grieve?

1. Let them know that you are there for them. Send cards, bring food, offer to help with any little chores you can. Don’t expect them to tell you what’s needed because they may be overwhelmed, but simply step in and do what you see needs to be done.
2. Don’t avoid the topic, try to “fix” or make it better, or offer platitudes.
3. Encourage them to talk and share about the person they’ve lost. My cousin, a widow, writes eloquently about this in her blog post, Talk about your person.
4. Acknowledge significant events. Birthdays, anniversaries of passing, and miscellaneous holidays will be difficult. Let your friend know that you’re thinking about him/her and remembering their loved one with them!

Grief will always be a personal journey. And yet, it’s also a universal and communal journey.

Additional resources:

• The American Psychological Association Covid-19 Special Report | Grieving Life and Loss
• The Elizabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation Grief Support resources
• Heal Grief is a social support network creating community after a loved one has died. Their motto is that no one should grieve alone.
• Consider a group, counselor or life coach working specifically with grief.