The messy middle

But no extraordinary journey is linear. In reality, the middle is extraordinarily volatile — a continuous sequence of ups and downs, flush with uncertainty and struggle.

Scott Belsky, “The Messy Middle”

Sitting square in the middle of life is surprisingly messy. I thought I would have it figured out by now — and perhaps some people do. Yet, I suspect most of us arrive in these middle years without truly knowing who we are. We thought we had it all figured out in our 20s and 30s, but one day we wake up and realize that we have fallen into our lives, not necessarily figured them out.

Jennie Allen, in Made for This, writes: “She had learned to be brave, not complain, work hard.”

We learn to make the best of our lives

And as women, wives, mothers, there was so much opportunity to just be brave, to manage, to do. Life kept throwing us curves and like actors in a play, “we just went with it,” adjusted our responses, took care of problems, learned resilience and adaptive strategies. We take care and we caretake, we smile, we laugh, we cry, and then here we are.

Midlife sneaks up on us. We’ve traveled along thinking we are in control, managing, doing what we need to do, then suddenly (it seems) we no longer know which end is up. Suddenly the game changes. Kids grow up and leave home, and they no longer listen to us. It’s not that they don’t love or respect us, but we are getting in their way. We have too many questions, suggestions, too many words when they are just trying to find their own way.

What about us?

One day we are standing in the middle of our kitchen, tears streaming down our face, whispering, “what about me?” Are we invisible? Do we matter?

And in that moment, that messy moment, that’s where God meets us. If we are listening, He meets us right here, in the midst of our messy middle.

Dear friend, fewer of us than you think truly have midlife figured out. We enter these middle years knowing we must have accomplished something, but questioning our purpose. Many of us are worn out, beat up, and have somehow lost or abandoned our souls in the process of getting here. We gave in, poured out, persevered, broke in pieces and held together. We live in that messy middle of strong and broken, not quite certain and yet convinced we made a difference, and we MUST continue to matter moving forward.

Are you with me? God is in this place. Your life (and mine) has been a series of events that is forging you into just the right person to meet the rest of your life. This time of transition is crucial, not to be overlooked.

Let’s get intentional

Here are three steps to help you navigate this messy middle with finesse, grace and purpose.

1. Acknowledge this sacred space. Pause to accept the weight of this time and this space in your life. Yours is a unique story and you have a unique purpose in this time and place. You have come this far, and your life and contributions have impacted those around you. What you do in the next days and years of your life matters as well! More importantly, acknowledge who is in this space with you. Take stock of your people — friends, family, your faith. Sit with yourself a bit and just feel who you are, down deep.
2. Review your past and your present. You have successes, you have hurts, you may have burdens today that seem impossible to bear. Sometimes at this phase of our life, we are presented with challenges that are yet unresolved, and truthfully may never on this earth be fixed. Some of us land in midlife with disappointments that are excruciating to bear — lost loved ones, broken lives, addictions or disease. Take stock, accept, let go of control, breathe into the gap and ask God (or your higher power) for strength to lean into this time.
3. Keep breathing into your future — and dare to dream. Having accepted where you’ve been and where you are, might you envision a future that dreams a little bigger, dares a little more? Despite your challenges, might this time be the time that you let go of fear and step into something bigger than yourself? Begin to daydream a little. What might this look like for you, in this next phase of your life.

It’s okay to sit in the mess

You needn’t have all of the answers yet. This is simply time to let go and lean into what could be, might be, in the future. Remember, you are in timeout. You can scream, you can pout, you can let it all out. This is your time. And be assured, that God is with you in this mess; not only with you, He’s here to guide you through it.

I pray that you will find the space to be as messy as you need to be, to calm your soul, and let God fill it with hope.