As our daughter and son-in-law prepare to move to his next duty station in North Carolina, the change looms close for us. He leaves in a week and she leaves in two months.

As the inevitability sinks in, the days spin fast and my mind tries to slow down time. Holding onto the essence of our lives now and taking in every detail of our time together becomes the goal.

Holding tight is natural

We can’t stop time, though we try. I want to capture these fleeting moments like fireflies in a jar, savoring them for later. It’s a delicate balancing act, this, hovering in the moment while also trying to preserve it.

But I’m doing my best to hold my family tight. We coordinated a weekend together at our little cabin to make some good memories. And, overdue for a family photo, we slipped in a photo shoot to record us all together before they move 3,500 miles.

Yet we need ways to process our changes

William Bridges’ transition model helps us do the internal work of navigating change in three distinct phases: Endings, neutral zones and beginning. The first phase of transitioning through change is an ending, or letting go.

Bridges, in his book Transitions, discusses five aspects of the natural ending experience: disengagement, dismantling, disidentification, disenchantment, and disorientation. Understanding these aspects can help us move more healthily through seasons of change.

Transitions are turning points in our lives

Our kid’s move is a transition for all of us, an ending to this phase of our lives. In my heart, I know we will never quite be the same as we are now as a family.

Transitions are turning points. And, to fully experience the transformation we must work through the natural ending experience. We need to grieve change, accept the loss it brings.

And Bridges’ transition model is a helpful guide. As you navigate your own changes, you may find yourself in one or more of the phases below. Though, as with Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief, the stages may not present themselves neatly and tidily (or sequentially).

Common phases in an ending

Bridges used psychological terms in his model, noted in the parenthesis below. I prefer the bold-face words:

1. Letting go (disengagement) — In the initial stages of an ending, it’s important to separate yourself from familiar roles and behaviors. You have to let go of what was in order to make room for what will be.
2. Living broken (dismantle) — This phase can be a long, slow and sometimes confusing stage when what used to be is no longer there, but you haven’t yet established a new way. It’s similar to living in the middle of a home remodel and can be quite chaotic.
3. Drifting (disidentification) — In this murky middle, you may no longer identify with your old self. As we let go of roles and identity, we may not know who we are becoming. Many of us experience this when our kids leave home or we retire: “I was a mom or a nurse” and “now I don’t know who I am.”
4. Unraveling (disenchantment) — In this phase, you begin to see your prior state for what it was and acknowledge that some part of the old reality was “in your head.” Bridges describes an enchantment as a “spell cast by the past on the present.” Here, we acknowledge the misperceptions, “look below the surface of what has been thought to be a certain way,” and most importantly, begin to explore options for living differently.
5. Get comfortable being uncomfortable (disorientation) — Bridges describes this phase as “a time of confusion and emptiness when ordinary things assume an unreal quality. Things that used to be important don’t seem to matter much now.” We may feel stuck or lost, unable to make decisions.

Holding tight in a changing season is natural

Recognizing that endings lead to new beginnings can help us navigate the change more easily, when we’re ready. Often, as we let go of what has been and move forward, we first experience a neutral zone. You may find you need more time alone, space to be still.

But, eventually, as you do the hard work of processing an ending, you’ll begin to explore. You’ll transform. You’ll grow.

In the meantime, it’s okay to hold on. It’s a natural part of the process. Save the waterfall for tomorrow. It’ll come soon enough!

Other resources on navigating change

• Winds of change
• A season of letting go
• Transitioning through change
• Beginnings, middles and endings

The post Holding tight in a changing season? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

It’s a moment in time that every parent appreciates: our kids are successfully making their own lives. And, miraculously, our kids appreciate US and enjoy spending time together.

Here’s a little bit about our journey of memory making! And, I wrap it up with a few tips for making your own memories with your young adults. (And I hope you’ll share your tips in the comments below!)

It’s been a journey

I’ve loved every phase of life with our girls. I’ve loved watching them learn and grow — and I’ve practiced letting go, almost from the day they were born.

Letting go wasn’t always an easy process for me — or for them. But it’s a necessary process. And, we’ve entered a phase where it’s not a power struggle.

I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.

We made a lot of memories along the way

In every phase of life, my husband and I work hard to create memories. We love to travel and we love the outdoors, nature and being active. And we love Alaska.

When the girls were young, we had a rustic cabin in the foothills of Denali, the tallest peak in North America. We spent many weekends there, and the girls adapted life off the grid, complete with a generator, no running water, and an outhouse.

They learned to ride snowmobiles and ATVs, ski on the lake, navigate in a sturdy john boat with a small “kicker,” and paddle the canoe or paddleboat. We sold that cabin as the girls got older, but now, nearly 10 years later, we have a new one with a few more amenities. (My criteria included that we could drive to it, and turn on a light switch and a faucet.)

Both ordinary and extraordinary …

Some of my most favorite memories are simple activities, full of life, laughter and love. Baking cookies or a cake, making meals together, celebrating birthdays. Watching a swim meet, soccer game, or musical performance. Riding bicycles, taking the dogs for a walk, going on a hike or to the zoo.

We’ve also taken numerous trips throughout Alaska, the United States and even internationally. Traveling together, seeing new places, and learning about life in other cultures expands our minds and broadens our perspectives.

Making memories with young adults

So now we’re transitioning to making memories with young adult children. We’ve been lucky to have our kids in the same town. And yes, I appreciate how fortunate we are to have proximity!

But we’re wise enough to know that life brings changes. And when our oldest daughter married a military man last fall, we knew change would come. So, we cherish these days with extra attention, knowing that in a few short months, these two will fly farther from the nest.

As I reflect on the past few months and this past weekend, I’ve noticed a few things. And, I want to share these observations for those of you also parenting young adults.

Tips for making memories with your young adult children

So now your kids have successfully (for the most part) launched, how do you continue making memories?

1. Schedule time together! Young adults lead busy lives. Remember those days? Whether your kids are working, in college, hanging out with friends, or even starting families — they have full calendars! If you’re waiting for the stars to align, you may never get together.

2. Plan fun outings and experiences. For example, last weekend we went on a guided fishing charter, caught two king salmon, and spent time together at the lake.

3. Book a regular time together. Since we know our time together is short, we’ve all agreed to a weekly dinner date and we have it on the calendar. We rotate homes so everyone gets a chance to host. And, we’re flexible. It’s much easier to cancel, meet with fewer people, or make other adjustments than it is to start fresh every time we want to get together. If you’re not in the same location, get creative with technology to stay in touch!

4. Be prepared to compromise on calendars — or moderate! Juggling calendars may require compromise. One of our daughters just had a schedule change that meant changing the night of our dinners. It created a not-so-pretty power struggle which was solved with a not-perfect-but-it’ll-do plan for alternating nights every other week as needed.

5. If you can, contribute $$ to the entertainment fund. Young adults likely have limited budgets and appreciate assistance. We often kick in half the cost of major outings and ask them to pay the other half. It’s our way of helping them while allowing them to “adult” also.

6. Take lots of photos! We love family pictures and videos and have several photographers in the family. It’s fun to share memories afterwards. And, you’ll have these for many years to relive your experiences.

Comments? And other resources.

What do you do to make memories? 🙋🏼‍♀️ What are some of your favorite ways to stay connected with your kids now that they’re adulting? Share in the comments below!

Need ideas for setting boundaries? Check out this post on Setting boundaries with adult children.

The post Making memories with your young adult children appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.