When the saying “betwixt and between” came to mind, I had to pause to look it up. I learned that the two words mean essentially the same thing, though betwixt is rarely used in present-day language.

Grammarphobia references the Oxford English Dictionary definition of betwixt and between as meaning “in an intermediate or middling position; neither one thing nor the other.” We’re neither here nor there, but somewhere in the middle.

Almost certainly, if you’re in midlife and you’re reading this, you are navigating change in one aspect or another of your life. And often, it’s not simply that we’re becoming “empty-nesters,” taking on an increasing role helping our parents, or searching for new fulfillment. We, and our family members and friends, undergo other changes, some positive and some downright challenging.

Being between seasons can be unsettling. So, as I often do, I look to nature for parallels to life. I hope these meandering thoughts will help you in this messy middle.

Betwixt and between is a messy season

Here in Alaska, we’re definitely “betwixt and between” winter and spring. Alaskans call this in-between season break-up, a nod to the messy process of melting snow, uncovering the dirty roads and whatever else has accumulated over the long winter.

“Break-up” has been my least favorite season for the past 37 years of Alaskan life. Usually, winter puts up a good fight before loosening her grip. Snow covers the ground yet, but one minute it’s crunchy and firm under my feet, the next it’s slush-snow on top of ice, wet and sloppy.

Summer seems far away. And, the weather app I use gives up on specifics, predicting instead a “wintry mix” of precipitation (snow or rain, who knows which when you’re hovering around the margins of freezing).

Most mornings, we choose to to continue our walks. With spikes on our shoes and growing light, we meander more than usual, avoiding puddles and potholes.

It’s not an easy time to walk through, with hit-or-miss footing and unpredictable weather.

But growth happens under the surface

Just as “a watched pot never boils,” it’s difficult to observe melting snow or personal transformation during change. It’s difficult to see or feel changes in ourselves when we’re going through them.

But much like the trees “wake up” from their long winter rest, we subtly change. In northern climates like Anchorage, the snow melts and the ground thaws. Water and nutrients reach the roots and draw up into the tree, mingling with the starches and sugars waiting. Sap begins to flow, carrying nutrients out to support new growth.

We undergo growth behind the scenes as well. Remember Transitioning through change? So important are these words from William Bridges, they bear repeating:

“Transition is not just a nice way to say change. It is the inner process through which people come to terms with a change, as they let go of how things used to be and reorient themselves to the way that things are now.”

William Bridges, revised by Susan Bridges, Transition as the ‘Way through

Similar to nature’s changing seasons, we go through an inner transition process. A reorienting process.

Betwixt and between is a process

We’re in motion. We’re on our way from there to somewhere. Once we loosen our grip on the past, we make way for today — and the future.

This in-between season is growing on me, perhaps because I’m learning to let go of what has been or even what’s to come. This “reorienting to the way things are now” takes practice. And while I can’t say I love the messiness of break-up, I’m learning to appreciate the season, not just for what it’s bringing — but for what it is.

When my friends and I set out on a walk at 9:30 this morning, the sun poked over the mountains to the east and shone through the trees. Out on the inlet, big brown ice chunks contrasted with snow-covered Mt. Susitna in the distance. And small LBJs (little brown-jobs), skittered and tweeted amongst the trees.

We saw a moose through leafless trees, my friend commenting that we wouldn’t have seen it in the summer as it would have been hidden by leaves. We moved a little faster up the hill than usual, holding the dogs close and watching to be sure she didn’t feel threatened and follow us.

We’re here, now, today. We saw the sun come up over the mountains, watched a moose carefully and at a distance, and heard the birds. Each day is different, a “wintry mix” of ugly and beautiful, and everything in between.

Somewhere betwixt and between lies hope

The roads have been worse than usual this year, everyone griping about the potholes and glaciated ice. I felt the same until the other day. My sister-in-law said smiling, as we bounced along ice-pocked roads, “It gives me hope!”

And I had to laugh and agree, reluctantly at first but with growing conviction. As gardeners, we know that there is a purpose in every season.

And in the bigger picture, though I may not see it now, I believe in a higher purpose.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

Some days I’m bouncy and jarred, and yet there’s hope.

May you find hope betwixt and between the “wintry mix” of life. May you be mindfully present to your here and now. And may you know the strength and conviction of God’s good purpose for you.

The post Betwixt and between appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

In times of change, we often experience difficult circumstances. Most of us want to recover quickly, but often we don’t understand how.

Resilience takes practice

First, we need to understand that resilience takes practice. We practice as we navigate the changing seasons of our lives.

“The good news is resilience can be learned. It involves developing thoughts, behaviors, and actions that allow you to recover from traumatic or stressful events in life.”

positivepsychology.com

We can develop our resilience by practicing the thoughts and behaviors that will help us recover from stressful events. Change is a constant and most of us will have countless opportunities to practice resilience in our lifetimes.

Characteristics of resiliency

Much resiliency research has been done in clinical settings, to help psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers treat conditions such as PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). One of the leading measures of resiliency is the Connor-Davidson Resilience Scale.

Researchers Kathryn M. Connor and Jonathan R.T. Davidson identified several components of resilience, including the ability to:

• Adapt to change
• Deal with what comes along
• Cope with stress
• Stay focused and think clearly
• Not get discouraged in the face of failure
• Handle unpleasant feelings such as anger, pain or sadness.

Resilient people view change as a challenge

A resilient person understands that change is inevitable and that it can be an opportunity as well as a challenge. She recognizes that she has limited control and controls what she can.

A resilient person recognizes that she has choices, if not in her circumstances at least in how she handles her reactions to them. She knows when to engage the support of others.

A resilient person is action-oriented and looks for a way forward when she encounters obstacles. She is patient and optimistic, and has a sense of humor. And she balances her own goals with those of her family and community.

A resilient person has faith. She has faith in herself, in the world, and in God.

How do we cultivate resilience?

We cultivate resilience by practicing how we view change. And, we stay positive and optimistic; relying on our faith and reaching out to others when we need help.

Above all, we stay flexible and observant, both of our own inner lives and the circumstances around us. When we slow down and pay attention, we have the opportunity to better process the changes and develop positive plans for moving forward.

Resilience has its own payoffs

And the more we practice, the more resilient we become. Resilient people handle stress much better than those who aren’t resilient. So, when you cultivate resilience, you’re helping yourself navigate change more easily.

You’re giving yourself the gifts of better mental health, lower stress levels, and a renewed sense of purpose in your life. And that’s all good!

The post Cultivate resilience appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

In Anchorage, flocks of ducks and geese gather on lawns and parks to feed and rest. The past two weekends, the swans have dropped in for a rest on our small lake, taking a break on their southbound flights.

As I watch these migrating birds, I consider the effort they put into flying hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles. It’s amazing how much energy they use!

Changing seasons require energy

They couldn’t complete their migrations without refueling. And just like them, we need refueling when we’re navigating big changes.

In the excitement (or sometimes dread) of change, we lose track of the energy it takes to navigate new territory.

Changes are hard on us emotionally, physically and mentally.

When change looms, it’s natural to dig in our heels and resist (which in its own right requires energy) or forge ahead enthusiastically. We tend to resort to working harder instead of pausing to refuel.

Rarely do we take the time to simply acknowledge that we’re going through a big change and give ourselves a break! It’s counterintuitive to slow down when it seems more effort is required.

We need time to process change

When we encounter change, we’re often doubly busy. We’re wrapping up what was and stepping into what’s to come. And both leaving and starting have their own set of emotions that we all too often ignore.

We’re often processing emotions on very many confusing levels. This is true even of positive changes, like watching our kids gain independence.

Becoming an empty-nester, for example, even in the best of circumstances, brings mixed emotions. We’re sad and happy that they’re stepping away from us, we’re excited and afraid. We’re nostalgic over the times we’ve had and worried we didn’t prepare them well enough. And, most of us don’t quite know what we’ll do with ourselves once they’re out the door.

Plus, it’s rarely a direct route to empty nest, especially during the pandemic. Many young adults “boomerang” in and out of the house for a period of time.

We need to refuel our hearts, minds and bodies

Refueling may look different for each of us. And it may look different for you in different seasons.

But whatever it looks like for you in this season, be sure to take the time you need. Pausing to refuel will give you energy for the rest of your journey!

Resources: Pause to refuel

• Try harder or live lighter?
• Building margins into your life
• Put yourself first
• Get fierce about self care
• Finding peace in the chaos
• We need buddies

The post Pause to refuel appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Most of us experience this shift into survival mode at some points in our lives. And unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for women in midlife. Sometimes we retreat into this mode when we’re experiencing overwhelming change. And sometimes it comes when we’re simply trying to stay afloat in an overly busy life. **

Survival mode is stressful

Survival mode doesn’t feel good and we’re not meant to live in this condition. Our bodies are great communicators, and usually, this is where we first notice the early signs of survival mode.

Under stress, our autonomic nervous system kicks into gear to protect us from danger. And depending on the dangerous (or perceived dangerous) circumstances, the body shifts into high gear (with fight, flight or “fawn” reactions) — or it shifts us metaphorically into low gear (and we become detached or in a “frozen” state).

What happens when we’re in survival mode

Our nervous systems react to stress or danger with both our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, parts of our brain. The sympathetic nervous system floods our bodies with cortisol and adrenaline when we need to act quickly. The parasympathetic nervous system operates when we are in a relaxed state — but it also shifts in to protect us without thought when needed.

“When your body goes into fight/flight/fawn or freeze, blood flow is directed away from the prefrontal cortex so that the energy can be distributed elsewhere. When you live only from the brain stem, everything else is ‘offline.'”

Aundi Kolber, Try Softer

Our nervous systems are running the show

When we’re in a fight, flight or “fawn” state, we’re operating out of our sympathetic nervous system. Experts call this state hyperarousal. We may have a racing pulse and physical shakes, and we often notice strong emotions such as anxiety, fear or anger. We may feel out of control or overwhelmed. In this state, another reaction is to “fawn” or over-accommodate people around us, seeking to calm them and our environment.

The parasympathetic nervous system reaction to stress is the freeze state, sometimes referred to as hypoarousal. In this state, our bodies react as if they’re protecting us from danger that we can’t escape. In extreme situations, we may feel paralyzed or frozen and unable to take action. But it can also present as feeling exhausted, depressed or simply zoned out. Sometimes we can feel numb, disconnected, or as though we’re observing ourselves from a distance.

So, how do we move beyond survival mode?

Self care has become a buzz word that really doesn’t go deep enough. But, we do have to begin with taking care of ourselves. In Try Softer, Aundi Kolber explains that we need to learn to be “kinder to the wounded parts of ourselves.” We have to embrace personal growth as a journey, not a one-time event.

I think this is particularly true for many of us in midlife. We’ve added on roles and responsibilities, pursuing education and careers, finding meaningful relationships (husbands), and having children. We’ve tried to take care of ourselves with hobbies, friends, and activities.

It’s in this dance that life became a balancing act. We neglected ourselves bit by bit, over time, and we need to give ourselves time to recover.

We must first notice we’re over-extended

For a long time, I didn’t recognize that I was in survival mode. I often felt behind, and I kept telling myself that I just needed to be more organized and efficient. Being caught up was over-rated, anyway, right?

I couldn’t name exact feelings, because I was so emotionally overwhelmed. It took me some time to realize that by not making choices in my life, I was making a choice.

And I’ve finally learned that trying to do it all was a “siren’s call” of distraction.

And then pay attention

As I’ve learned to listen to my body and recognize the signs of being in survival mode, I’ve let go of things and habits that don’t serve me. When we begin to pay attention to our bodies, minds and spirits, we can contemplate new ways of being that are kinder to ourselves.

And, as we make small changes, our bodies begin to trust us again, to know that we’re paying attention to them. It’s as if our whole system relaxes and we can begin to move forward. Experts tell us our nervous systems respond by stepping out of survival mode and allowing higher levels of our thinking brains to engage.

I’m learning, slowly, to trust myself, to listen and hear my own voice, to make conscious choices that support who I am and who I want to be.

I hope you’ll join me on this journey!

** If survival mode has become a way of life or you’ve experienced trauma, it’s important to consult a counselor or therapist!

The post Are you in survival mode? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Change sometimes happens unexpectedly and can have radical impacts on your life. Other times, change sneaks up faster than you anticipated, or simply gathers momentum as it cascades around you.

Snowballing change wreaks havoc

Just like the early winter storm here. We’re used to an earlier fall and winter than most of our friends and family in the “Lower 48” states. But, even Alaskans were not prepared for the heavy snow we received in East Anchorage in the third week of September.

The snow was so heavy that many trees fell or lost branches under the unexpected weight. Our local electric company reported: “This early season storm is even more challenging because the leaves on the trees make them heavier than they are in winter.”

When change snowballs we feel the weight

Just like the trees still sporting their still-yellowing leaves, unexpected and/or big changes easily overwhelm us. We feel the weight of changes that happen in our world.

But what we’re really feeling is the weight of our emotions about the change. We’re feeling the weight of the internal process we need to go through to adjust to the change.

Snowballing change requires internal adjustment

William Bridges identifies this internal change process as transition. And he says this about transition:

“The transition itself begins with letting go of something that you have believed or assumed, some way you’ve always been or seen yourself, some outlook on the world or attitude toward others.”

William Bridges, Transitions, p. 132

We need time to move beyond the overwhelming feelings associated with rapid or unexpected change. And, we must recognize that we all process changes in different ways.

You may find it helpful to talk with people who’ve been through a similar change. Or you may simply need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings. And, you may need both. Your experience will be uniquely yours.

Each of us has our unique “bowl of emotions”

Have you heard this analogy? My daughter, the one who’s moving, is also working on her master’s in social work. I love chatting with her about change and transformation because she always has a thoughtful and well-informed perspective.

Recently, she shared that her counselor had asked how she was feeling about the changes ahead for her and our son-in-law. When she described her feeling as overwhelmed, the counselor pulled out the “emotions bowl,” filled with slips of paper, each with an emotion.

Several minutes later, our daughter had a rather large pile of emotions in front of her. When change overwhelms, you can be quite sure that the weight you’re feeling needs some unpacking!

When change snowballs, so do the emotions

When you’re going through a season of change, it helps to be aware of this internal process. Change management experts, therapists, and counselors remind us to slow down during these times, to pay attention to what’s going on in our hearts, minds and bodies.

Each of us has our own bowl of emotions, swirling and sometimes even contradicting each other. And, if you’re empathetic, you may also be “feeling” the emotions of those around you.

Start with the ending

It helps to begin with the ending. By acknowledging the loss that we’re experiencing, we begin the important work of processing what the change means to us.

It’s not like I didn’t know that winter was coming, it’s just that it hit earlier and harder than I anticipated. And underneath that, I’m sad to let go of warmer days and spending time in my garden. I’m grappling with rearranging my schedule, my closet, and even my menu.

Likewise, I need to process the ending in our family. As I said goodbye to my son-in-law on Sunday and watched my daughter’s video of him driving away from their apartment this morning, I experienced a swirl of emotions.

Excuse me while I grab a tissue and that bowl — I’ve got some emotional unpacking to do! We’ll talk more about this process soon.

The post When change snowballs appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

In fact, few of us readily admit that we are in midlife or “middle aged.” Our culture favors the young and the strong. And we rarely see getting older as an advantage.

But middle age is an important development milestone for human beings. And it’s worth exploring when it begins so that we can effectively navigate this middle adulthood phase.

Can we define middle age numerically?

While middle age seems like it could be a numeric calculation, even age isn’t a definitive measure. The average life expectancy in the United States is currently 77.8 years. Females have a longer life expectancy, 80.5 years, on average outliving males by five years.

So in the U.S., the numeric midpoint for a person’s life span is between 37 and 40. But is that the starting point for middle age? Even ages 37-40 seems low by most accounts. While some reports say that adults begin entering middle age by 35, others default to 45 or even 50.

If not a set point, is there a date range?

We seem to have a problem with defining midlife and middle age. Merriam Webster defines midlife with just two words: middle age. Search middle age and you get, “The period of life from about 45 to about 64.” — Merriam-webster.com

Google takes it a step further and defines it as “the central period of a person’s life, generally considered as the years from about 45 to 55.” Psychology Today defines midlife as “the central period of a person’s life, spanning from approximately age 40 to age 65.”

It’s clear that middle age isn’t “just a number”

Middle age and midlife are terms that generate discussion, avoidance and dispute. But in the end, there are a few key points to help us better understand when middle age begins:

• “Middle age is the period in your life when you are no longer young but have not yet become old. Middle age is usually considered to take place between the ages of 40 and 60.” — Collinsdictionary.com
• A Chicago Tribune column written more than 35 years ago asked: When does a person reach middle age? After surveying readers, he received answers varying between 30 and 50 — and concluded that perhaps one day, though not likely, “It may become cool to be middle-aged.”
• Psychology Today writes, “Midlife or middle age is that transitional period of life between young adulthood and old age.” 
• Gail Sheehy, best-selling author of Passages, The Silent Passage, and New Passages, wrote in her author’s note at the beginning of New Passages: “The first glimpses of a midlife perspective usually begin to startle us in the middle of our thirties. Time starts to pinch.” She goes on to talk about the death of First Adulthood and the transition into Second Adulthood, defining it as a search for meaning.
• Some experts define it more as a state of mind. A Huffpost article highlights a study indicating that midlife begins somewhere near 35 and ends around 50 — and lists 25 Surefire Signs You’ve Finally Hit Middle Age.

Perhaps middle age begins when we say it does

Middle aged jokes aside, perhaps middle age begins for us when our mindset shifts. When we’re ready to admit that we’re no longer young –but we’re not yet old. When we begin to acknowledge numbered days and wonder what we will do with the rest of our one good life.

And perhaps middle age begins when we’re ready to think about what our epitaph will say or how our eulogy will read. Or, when we reach a point where we’re more interested in the life in our days than the days in our lives.

When does middle age begin?

Perhaps it’s less about when middle age begins and it’s more about how we spend these middle adulthood years! Think of middle age as an important transition, one in which we switch to living life more intentionally.

Think of it as a time when you can make dramatic changes in your life and habits. And when you can take care of your body, soul and mind so that you have room for greater experiences and contributions to the world.

Middle age means less time to waste

“No matter how you tell yourself
It’s what we all go through
Those lines are pretty hard to take
When they’re staring back at you
Oh, scared you’ll run out of time
When did the choices get so hard
With so much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious
When there’s less of it to waste”

― Bonnie Raitt, Nick of Time

If you’re noticing that you’re more in the middle age bucket than the young one, you’ll find lots of resources here on this website. Here are a few to get you started!

• Life is in the transitions
• What’s my role in the middle?
• Are you having a midlife crisis?

Plus, if you’d like a little help to work through the transition, I offer coaching and mentoring to help you deal with shifting roles, face unexpected challenges, and navigate toward fulfilling your dreams.

The post When does middle age begin? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

We don’t want to admit that we’re in midlife, because that means we’re getting old and we don’t feel old. And most of us certainly wouldn’t say we’re in imminent danger because we’re handling life just fine, thank you.

Sure, we’re navigating big and little changes, but we are strong and resourceful. But I have a hunch if you’re reading this that you sometimes wonder if you really do have it all under control. Or perhaps you wonder if you’re missing out on something?

Let’s explore this a little.

What is a midlife crisis?

To begin with, the term “midlife crisis” is not a recognized mental health diagnosis. According to Verywellmind.com, “People who are having a midlife crisis are thought to be struggling with their own mortality and, somewhere during midlife, they ditch some of their responsibilities in favor of fun. That’s why the term “midlife crisis” often causes people to picture mistresses and sports cars.”

And researchers don’t agree on what constitutes a midlife crisis. The American Psychological Association says an emotional crisis is evident from “a clear and abrupt change in behavior.” Often, the breaking or crisis point in midlife for many is not aging, but an external event such as a divorce, a move, a job change, and/or personal or family illness or death.

Mental health professionals debate if we truly go through a crisis in middle age. Just 26 percent of Americans report having had a midlife crisis.

However, many health experts agree on a consistent and significant dip in overall happiness and personal satisfaction during in this mid-life phase. Healthline reports that many men and women between 40 and 60 do go through “a prolonged period of malaise and questioning.”

Why do we dislike the phrase “midlife”?

Gail Sheehy, best-selling author of Passages, The Silent Passage, and New Passages, described the “psychic drama” of entering midlife. Western culture favors the young and paints a poor picture of middle age and aging. Plus, none of us want to face our own mortality.

In the author’s note at the beginning of the book, Sheehy wrote of entering middle adulthood as similar to watching the waves of the ocean, fearful of being swallowed by a sudden riptide.

We think of it as the beginning of the end

Inevitably, we think of midlife as the beginning of our big decline into “old age.” Sheehy described her own journey, saying:

“I too was running along the edge. The structure of my own world — the world of still-youngness where we can take our health for granted and throw ourselves at life, unprepared for inconsolable losses — was disintegrating. Since the thought of our own death is too terrifying to confront head-on, it keeps coming back in various disguises.”

But what if it’s a gift?

Whether we recognize and admit it or not, we’re no longer as young as we used to be. And, many of us in our 40s and 50s are approaching the halfway point in our expected lifespan. This is middle age, by definition.

Even 25 years ago, Sheehy’s purpose was to help us see a “rebellious purpose” in the Second Adulthood phase. She wanted us to redefine middle life and to think of passing into this new phase as a “conscious shift to another stage of life” — as a gift.

Most of us aren’t in crisis

We are strong women in our 40s and 50s and we’re getting a lot done. We’re building careers, doing meaningful work, marrying, having children. By most accounts, we’re achieving our dreams and have successful lives.

This just doesn’t feel like either midlife or a crisis. At least not in a way that we’d recognize or admit.

You may be in the process of shifting

Most of us won’t experience what has been called a midlife crisis, but instead more of a midlife shift. Over time, we begin to acknowledge that in-between space of life.

We begin to recognize that our kids grow older and more independent. We notice that we’ve settled into rhythms of work and life. Or, we begin to think more about retirement and what we want to do with the rest of our lives.

If you do experience a true emotional crisis, whether as a reaction to the prospect of aging or due to external factors, seek qualified help. There are many resources to help you deal effectively with major emotional upsets, including psychologists, psychiatrists, pastors, spiritual counselors and others. In most areas of North America, you can find free and confidential community resources by dialing 211.

Signs of shifting into midlife

Below are some ways you might notice you’re moving toward what Sheehy calls Second Adulthood. You might be shifting into midlife if you’ve ever:

• Said, “I’m not quite where I thought I’d be at this stage of my life.”
• Thought, “my kids are becoming more independent, and I’m not quite sure what’s next.”
• Yearned for a slower tempo and pace to life, for simplicity.
• Felt overwhelmed by multiple responsibilities and unsure if you’ve taken on more than you should.
• Wanted more time for reflection and thoughtful consideration.
• Found yourself reaching for unhealthy ways to unwind, destress, calm down.
• Questioned your purpose or identity, or sought deeper meaning in life.
• Explored who you’d like to be in the next phase of your life or what you’d like to do differently.
• Asked yourself, as Sheehy says, “How shall we live the rest of our lives?”

Resources for your journey

Navigating midlife has so much possibility when we approach it intentionally! For more inspiration and practical tips, check out these articles on:

• balancing midlife roles,
• navigating change,
• being in the sandwich generation,
• controlling what you can control,
• finding peace and purpose in midlife, or
• learning to prioritize self care.

Let’s do this together!

The post Are you having a midlife crisis? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

“Beginnings are lacquer red fired hard in the kiln of hot hope; Middles, copper yellow in sunshine, sometimes oxidize green with tears; but Endings are always indigo before we step on the other shore.”

Sheila Banani, Life’s Rainbow, in When I am an old woman i shall wear purple

You’ve probably heard the saying that the one constant in life is change. Indeed, change is an over-arching theme for each of us. But the hues of change, though similar, differ in each life. And each of us experiences our own unique blend.

Our lives aren’t straight lines

In the final chapter of Alice in Wonderland, the king presided over a trial in which Alice’s future was to be decided. The White Rabbit inquired about where to begin. “Begin at the beginning,” the King said gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

But our lives are rarely so simple. There’s that murky middle. And, so many beginnings and endings.

Our worlds constantly evolve and change.

The seasons get muddled

On a recent late winter walk, as I was on the lookout for signs of spring, colorful autumn leaves framed a pathway through the trees. These signs of fall, out of place by nearly two seasons, serve as a colorful reminder that seasons of change happen in stages.

And just like these stubborn leaves, sometimes it’s hard for us to let go. We cling to old habits and ways despite being in a new season.

We can be in multiple stages at one time

As we sit here at the end of March, I still feel the newness of the year. We’re closer to the beginning of the year; perhaps in early stages of the middle? And yet winter is an ending and spring is a beginning, with buds and new growth coming our way.

Just as we can tromp through the woods and see signs of fall, winter and spring, all within a few steps — so life’s stages often muddle together.

The riddle of beginnings, middles and endings

Often, the important changes in life happen gradually, aren’t clear-cut. Children grow from toddlers to tweens to teenagers, acting like toddlers one day and adults the next.

Parents age, needing assistance sometimes and fiercely independent at others. We’re content in our jobs at times and yearning for something different at others.

How do we navigate?

How do we manage change, when it seems so random? When sometimes we don’t even recognize it until we’re in it?

One way is to be more aware of beginnings, middles and endings. According to the Bridges Transition Model, these transition phases help us do the work of coming to terms with a change. They help people “let go of how things used to be and reorient themselves to the way things are now.” (William Bridges, revised by Susan Bridges, in Transition as the ‘Way Through.’)

Naming where we’re at helps us

Simply understanding that we navigate a somewhat predictable path helps us better assess our next steps. And when we process change intentionally, we transform our hearts and minds through the transition, finding new purpose.

Check out these posts for more thoughts on navigating change:

• Life is in the transitions
• Next phase lost souls
• Transitioning through change
• Winds of change

And if you’d like a fresh perspective to help you navigate change, a coaching session can help you deal with shifting roles, face unexpected challenges, or gain the courage to follow your own unfulfilled dreams.

The post Beginnings, middles and endings appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

We know that changes will come, and mostly we expect them to be slow and gradual. We get so caught up in living the life we’ve chosen or that chose us and we just don’t notice how fast it’s all going. Nor do we pause to make the internal changes that are required to navigate the external ones.

We go through a lot of transitions in this messy middle of life.

Kids grow up

From the beginning, we know that the children we have will grow up. We just don’t realize it will happen so soon. I saw a reel on my Instagram feed today, one of those 15-30 second video creations, that showed a young mom holding a toddler and with a snap of the fingers, he was a teenager giving her a hug.

And size isn’t the half of it. Kids grow physically, yes, but they also grow mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Their in-between-ness gets caught up with our in-between-ness and it can be tricky sometimes. Not only did my 15 year old act like a two year old at times, but somehow it also brought out the toddler in ME.

Even our parents change

I began to realize my parents were aging in the years before I turned 40. I was finally getting my parenting legs under me, with kids that were “tweens.” And on my visits home, I realized my parents were changing. They no longer had kids at home. My younger brothers had moved on, and mom and dad were adjusting to just each other at home.

And that adjustment didn’t go too well. They tried hard, but just couldn’t seem to reconnect after too many years of raising kids, making a living, keeping the house. The year I turned 40, they separated and then divorced.

Their divorce was a transition me as well

Realizing that your parents are not infallible was a big eye-opener. Perhaps I should have known this before. I certainly had many complaints with my parents as a teenager and yet I still fell into the slumber of predictability and routine.

Not to mention that this particular year also brought other big changes. We lost my sister-in-law, my husband began to talk of deploying with the Army Reserves in the after-math of 911, and we had a rocky year in our own marriage, working out issues that had built up over time.

We all grow and change over time

Change definitely shouldn’t surprise us and yet it does, time and again. We expect people around us to behave in a certain way, react predictably to unpredictable situations. And yet, over time, we learn that we can’t even always predict how we ourselves will react to these “opportunities for growth.”

I’m finding that we need to slow down, to name the changes and the emotions that come along with them. We have to intentionally Transition through change and Navigate unexpected events.

I’m learning that life is in the transitions

As I sit here writing this, huge mounds of snow block my view of the street outside my window. It’s early spring in Alaska, mid-March, the time of year when much of the United States no longer has snow. But here, we have several weeks of spring ahead.

We call this season “break-up,” a messy middle phase between spring and summer, a transitional time. The snow begins to melt, the sky drops rain or more snow, we never quite know which it will be. But gradually, a little at a time, the piles of snow pack and melt, pack and melt.

Like a flower beneath the snow, we’re growing

And one day, the tulips and daffodils that I planted so carefully into the soil all around the house last fall, will begin to poke up. These determined flowers push tiny stems up through patches of snow at first. They’re strong. They’ve gathered strength through the deep, dark winter.

And I know that you and I are just as strong. We’ve been through a season of change, will go through even more in the days ahead. Transitions ground us, test our resolve, and also force us to change, to become a different version of ourselves. How we process these changes defines who we become.

Life is in this transition too

You may be asking yourself, Do I even know who I am? and feeling like a Next phase lost soul. We all do this when we go through change! But, with a bit of work, you’ll become the person you want to be.

Life is in this transition, my friend. Like that beautiful tulip, you’ll forge up and through the messiness of the in-between. I know you will.

The post Life is in the transitions appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

In his work about navigating transitions, William Bridges wrote about The Neutral Zone, a reorientation phase between an ending and a beginning. I wrote about this messy middle stage in Muddling through the middle. Gail Sheehy, author of Passages and New Passages described this neutral zone as being caught “between two chairs.”

Remember musical chairs?

No one wants to be that person, caught between two chairs. In the game of course there aren’t enough chairs for everyone and being caught without a chair means you’re out.

In life, not having a seat can feel much the same way, bringing out all of our insecurities. We can feel lost, abandoned, not good enough, as though we no longer have a place in the game.

“Next phase lost souls” are caught off guard

Change comes in many ways, sometimes through unexpected events in our lives and sometimes even by choice. And some changes are developmental, such as adolescence, midlife or aging. Often, though, these changes profoundly shift how we experience the world.

In middle adulthood, you may experience changes such as:

• Moving to a new home or city
• A job or career shift
• A serious illness
• Children gaining independence, becoming young adults
• Aging parents
• Death of a spouse or a divorce
• Change in friendships
• Even, a pandemic and accompanying lifestyle changes

Regardless of what instigates the change …

We’re caught between seats

When a change occurs, we’re unsure of our place and uncertain of whether we should move forward or backward, if that’s even possible. It’s easy to get stuck or even feel trapped in the middle.

Most of us aren’t actually resisting the change itself — we know that change happens. It’s more that these changes put us into transition. And transitions, with endings, neutral zones and beginnings, are hard. Bridges pointed out that while his transition model gives us a conceptual model to follow, “those phases are not linear stages with clear boundaries.”

And, figuring out how to move forward can be difficult.

Tips for “next phase lost souls”

It’s easy to forget that no one’s pulling chairs out on each round. There’s always another seat, we just have to find the one that fits our needs.

Below are a few tips to help you find your way forward.

1. Begin with the ending

• Practice what Bridges calls the “five “dis’s” of experiencing loss:
  • Disengage or seperate from what you have lost (a way of being, a relationship, a role, even parts of your identity).
  • Dismantle or analyze the structure of your loss and your beliefs about what you may need to let go.
  • Disidentify or acknowledge and grieve that you are no longer the person you were before the change.
  • Allow yourself to be Disenchanted. Notice how you feel disappointed or disillusioned by giving up something that once held great meaning for you.
  • Recognize the disorientation. Acknowledge your sense of loss and bewilderment as you alternate between letting go and moving forward.
• Give yourself time. Depending on how significant of a change you experience, the process of letting go of how life used to be may take days, months or even years. Your journey of letting go is your journey and it takes the time it takes.

2. Be okay with being uncomfortable (neutral zone)

• Give yourself permission to explore. The neutral zone can be a season of creativity, of assessing options, of trying out new ideas. You may start and stop, give up, begin again. This is not only okay, but a natural part of being in the middle.
• Notice your feelings and don’t be hard on yourself. This may be a good time to journal, to walk, to rest. Pausing to reflect and assess what you’re learning will help you notice more.
• Allow solutions to unfold rather than expecting immediate answers. Over time, as you’re patient with yourself, you’ll begin to notice renewal. You’ll begin to see a path forward, uniquely yours.

3. Embrace your new beginnings

• You’ll know when it’s time to commit. While exciting, new beginnings often come laced with fear and anxiety. Deep inside, you know you have to let go and acknowledge the ending. It may feel as if you’re swinging on a rope, out over a lake, and you have to let go to move forward.
• Before you let go, have a plan for beginning. Give yourself specific goals, steps and milestones you can fall back on if/when you have doubts or need courage.
• If planning is hard, look for a simple step forward. One of my favorite mentors, Emily P. Freeman, has a gentle practice for discerning next steps. Check out her weekly The Next Right Thing podcast and her latest books, The Next Right Thing and The Next Right Thing Guided Journal. *
• Define success and build in places to acknowledge and celebrate your wins.
• Then, when you’re ready, let go.

You may be lost but you’re not alone

We all experience those in-between phases where we’re not quite ready to let go nor to move forward. Sometimes it’s helpful to know that it’s okay to be lost. And that there’s always a chair for you when you need time to re-evaluate.

You don’t have to venture out on your own. There are plenty of us who’re traveling similar paths. If you’d like to explore ideas, I’d love to chat with you and I offer a free introductory coaching session.

And when you’re ready, fling open the door, cross the threshold and embrace your new adventure! Let’s share the journey.

• Links to books are affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. This helps support my website and blog.

The post “Next phase lost soul”? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.