Our culture has taught us to “grin and bear it” and that “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” We have responsibilities, expectations, and pressing challenges.

We’re hard-wired to keep at it even when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed. This work ethic serves us well in many situations — and at times, it causes us to get in our own way.

We’re not meant to live at full speed

Full speed is for running from serious threats and protecting ourselves. Our bodies and minds keep us safe by jumping into action when we’re under attack.

But many of us slipped into patterns of moving at full speed all. the. time. We live as if we’re under threat every moment of the day.

It’s counter-intuitive to take a break from the action. We might miss out. Or worse yet, not live up to our own or the world’s expectations.

But we’re paying a price for this mindset of operating at full speed.

We need breathing room

Our bodies, minds and spirits need time to adjust to the experiences we live. We need to recalibrate from the stresses and challenges we face in our every day, extraordinary lives.

And truly, is anything so urgent that we can’t stop for a moment? Will the world stop if we aren’t in constant motion ourselves?

“Taking regular, mindful breaks throughout the day helps to not only improve your concentration and overall productivity but importantly it helps to re-energize your mind.”

Calm.com, 20 Ways to take a mindful break

Mindful breaks heal us

Another definition of being mindful is simply giving one’s full attention to the present moment. Experts say that stepping out of the action, even for a few minutes, reenergizes our body, mind and spirit.

Vibay Chandran Weisbecker, a holistic wellness and mindfulness expert at Mindbody, says to “think of mindfulness breaks as mini stress-recovery sessions.” Quoted in the Well and Good blog, Weisbecker offers 3 Exercises for a Quick Mindfulness Break.

5 signs it’s time to take a mindful break

1. When your emotions are high — we can use time to reevaluate our emotions using the think, feel, act cycle (I wrote about this here: Are you mindfully present?)
2. When your body begins to protest (you’re sick, tired, lack focus) — our bodies tell the story of our lives and won’t let up until we stop and listen.
3. When you no longer feel joy — when we stop enjoying life, we lose our natural enthusiasm and often feel pressure to perform, numb or avoid the act of living.
4. When your mind is spinning in circles, anxious or racing — often we simply need time and space to gather our thoughts, process the circumstances, and make sense of a situation.
5. When you’re stuck — sometimes we can “pull it all together” in our own heads, without outside influence, but sometimes we need a mindfulness break to realize that we need an outside perspective or opinion.

You deserve a mindfulness break: Take it

Only you know how frequently you need a break — or how long those breaks should be. But the more I give myself space and time to be mindful, the more I discover I benefit. Start small and let it evolve!

May you find peace in mindful breaks. May you feel your mind, spirit and body settle. And may you gain renewed energy, passion and purpose in your life.

The post Take a mindful break appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Connecting with others is a cornerstone of life. Relationships give purpose and meaning to our existence. And yet, sometimes relating to those around us is the toughest part of being human.

Being mindful in our relationships can be frustrating — and one of the most courageous acts we undertake in our lives. And investing in relationships can be our most satisfying achievement.

Let me introduce you to Wolfgang …

This is my husband, my partner for 35+ years. He’s my love and arguably my most challenging and rewarding relationship. He’s certainly taught me more about relationships than anyone in my life. And we continue to learn, together.

Just this past week, we had one of those little annoying interactions that I wouldn’t even call an argument. It was about nothing, really NOTHING. But we spent a day and a half not talking about it, revisiting an old hard-wired pattern of coping / not coping. Of course, we worked it out.

And this interaction got me to thinking about how we stay mindful in our relationships with others. Perhaps you’ll find a few nuggets here!

Relationships require investment

The frustrating side of it is that we have to be vulnerable. Research professor and author Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” and “our most accurate measure of courage” (Braving the Wilderness).

To truly connect to another human being, we put ourselves at risk of emotional exposure, without knowing the outcome. No wonder we’re scared.

We don’t like to be vulnerable

We’re consciously or unconsciously afraid. And we’re innately wired to protect ourselves from anything that might hurt us.

And since we’re afraid, we fine-tune a host of coping mechanisms to protect us from vulnerability. We avoid, we distance, we self-numb, we attack, we hide, we speak half-truths and out-right lies.

But often, we’ve developed these patterns of coping for good reason.

Not all relationships are safe

Many of us have had people in our lives that weren’t safe. And often, we didn’t have a choice about their involvement in our lives.

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that are not physically or emotionally safe. But we’re adults now, free to choose our relationships.

You’re in charge of you

You have the right, and the responsibility to yourself, to ensure your physical and emotional safety. Be aware of red flags in relationships and seek out resources when you’re not physically or emotionally safe. Reach out to a trusted advisor, nonprofit agencies, or authorities if you need help navigating your way into a safer environment.

Always, you get to decide who you’re comfortable being in relationship with, and when and where. You can and should create boundaries to protect your vulnerability, both with individuals and on topics that create a safe environment.

We don’t control the other person in a relationship, but we can make it safe for them to share themselves with us.

Stay present to yourself

If your mind is anything like mine, it’s a beautiful and crazy place. We have a wealth of work to do, just to examine what’s in our own heads.

Keep doing your work.

By staying present to ourselves first we can identify when it’s safe to put ourselves out there for emotional exposure. And sometimes, staying present to our own minds and emotions helps us realize when we’re protecting ourselves in a misguided fashion.

Internalized and unexamined fear can lead us in the wrong direction. Our coping mechanisms kick in subconsciously when we feel threatened. And, we react externally without being aware of our internal drivers.

Staying present is sometimes counter-intuitive

We want to run when we should be turning to engage. It’s exhausting and there are too many emotions. We don’t understand the rules or have the language to communicate properly.

“Many of us struggle with vulnerability because of fear, but we also fail to fully realize all of the ways we protect and distance ourselves from others. It may feel like we’re doing the right thing by keeping our mouths shut, when in fact, we should be doing just the opposite.”

Psychalive, How Embracing Vulnerability Strengthens Our Relationships

When we most want to run or hide, it may be time to pay attention, stay present, and turn toward each other.

Staying present is being courageously vulnerable

Will you accept vulnerability? Do you have a safe person in your life with whom you’re ready to:

• Take a calculated risk on a relationship that’s important to you?
• Accept uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure?
• Have tough discussions even when you’re scared?
• Make a pact with another person to stay present and work together to create a safe environment for each other?
• Keep returning to the conversation?

Staying present in a relationship takes courage and commitment from both parties.

Tips for staying present in relationships

Brené Brown uses the verb and acronym BRAVING to describe seven steps for creating trust in relationships (Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, paraphrased unless in quotes below):

• Boundaries — respect each others’ boundaries, ask if you’re not clear, be willing to say no.
• Reliability — do what you say you’ll do, don’t overpromise, deliver on your commitments.
• Accountability — own your mistakes, apologize or make amends when appropriate.
• Vault — Keep information safe, protect confidences, don’t share what’s not yours to share.
• Integrity — “Choose courage over comfort. Choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.”
• Nonjudgement — Make space for both parties to ask for what they need and talk about feelings without judgement.
• Generosity — “extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.”

Keep leaning in …

I’m beginning to believe in a new philosophy of: “I’m complicated, you’re complicated, and together, we’re even more complicated. Let’s talk about it.” With new or long-term relationships, stepping into this conversation is a process!

May you continue to lean into creating meaningful relationships. May you be courageously present and brave. And may you experience true friendship and love.

The post Staying present in relationships appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

This practice of paying attention to ourselves doesn’t come easily to many of us. We’re much more accustomed to attending to those around us. We’re comfortable with caring for others, and out of practice with caring for ourselves.

But I’m practicing being present, staying mindful in 2022. I’m noticing my busy mind — and remembering a few tips for staying present.

If your mind is so busy you’re tempted to throw your hands up in despair, perhaps these observations will give you the presence of mind to move forward productively!

My mind is busy and I struggle to stay present

On a snowy January day, the snow falls gently outside my window, a snow globe that resembles my busy mind. My mind swirls out of control, and it’s particularly hard to stay attuned to my body, mind and soul.

My thoughts are all over the place and paying attention exhausts me, but I jot down a few notes:

• I feel “off-kilter.” My routine is out of balance as appointments shift and cancel, unexpected tasks arrive, and calls interrupt.
• I can’t focus. I want and try to stay present, but all of the changes and interruptions tug my mind in a million different directions.
• A slightly-agitated and unproductive feeling hangs with me. I tackle small projects, but I’m not making progress on my big goals.
• I’m overwhelmed and disappointed with myself. But I sense that these feelings are just the tip of the iceberg and that more feelings lie under the surface.
• Staying present feels hard. And reminding myself to stay present just annoys me further.

And all of this just makes me want to curl up by the fire while at the same time, I really want and need to be productive!

There’s a battle in my head

And I’m stuck in the middle of conflicting feelings, paralyzed. I have so many things I want and need to do.

But I’m mid-winter tired of this weather and of trying to push through all the things. And, I realize, I’m halfway through a 10-day stretch that was supposed to be a break from winter and a chance to spend time with loved ones.

I’m cranky and disappointed and this weather presses in on me, making me wish for sunshine and connection.

Just acknowledging the battle gives me hope

Perhaps paying attention matters most when we can’t quite name our feelings. Acknowledging the conflict in our hearts and minds helps us pay attention and understand what’s overwhelming us.

We notice the mixed feelings swirling around us, like a snowstorm. We separate from them, describe them and try to name them, however imperfectly.

And knowing the battle’s in my mind feels like an ah-ha moment. Because when we know there’s a fight, we realize there’s an enemy. And that enemy will keep us fighting against ourselves as long as we let it.

And I remember an important lesson about being mindful.

Being mindful is noticing, not fighting feelings

When I did a one-day silent retreat a few years ago, I entered the room with little introduction or knowledge about mindfulness. After spending six of the eight hours struggling with my busy mind, I accepted the leader’s invitation for a one-on-one consultation.

I told her I was surprised at the mental and physical exhaustion of “practicing” being present. The more I tried to be calm and quiet, the busier my mind became.

She wisely and patiently advised me to simply notice my thoughts, not fight them. She suggested I welcome my thoughts, picture them arriving as sediment in a bucket of water, and let them settle gently to the bottom.

Remember to notice

I need this lesson again and again, if I’m honest. My natural inclination is to power on, ignore those pesky feelings, or trample them in the dust of my own expectations of what needs to be done.

But I know where this road leads. I’ve been here many times and it’s not where I want to go today.

So I’ll sit for a minute with my bucket of feelings. Pause, notice. Welcome them in, try to name them as they drift down around me.

Let them come and go. Watch them slowly settle.

Be mindful instead of powering through with a mind full of thoughts and emotions. And as my mind slows and settles, I notice this presence of mind helps me step forward.

What needs tending in this moment?

I remember the check that needs to be sent and I write it out, put it in an envelope, address it, add a stamp. Then I put on my boots and coat and walk it out to the mailbox.

And as I turn back to the house, I notice the snow falling gently and the trees covered again in snow. I hear the birds chirping.

I’m here, present to the beauty around me.

And inevitably, my soul settles.

I’m okay. The world is okay, too.

Being mindful when our minds are full is a gentle practice of paying attention, attending, tending. When we pay attention to our hearts, minds and bodies, we’re here, in attendance. We’re tending to ourselves and to our world.

May you be present for each thought and feeling in your busy mind. May you welcome them like snowflakes falling around you. And as they settle softly around you, may you tend to what needs tending.

You might also like these posts:

Staying present when it’s anything but calm

Staying present when it’s busy

The post Staying present in your life when your mind is busy appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

But staying present is especially important when we’re busy! If we’re not diligent, we give up our calm. Worse yet, we pause the work of growing into better versions of ourselves.

When the pace picks up, we often forget the definition of mindful, “to be deliberately aware of your body, mind, and feelings in the present moment, in order to create a feeling of calm.” *

Below, we talk about what happens if we don’t stay present in our lives. And, we discuss effective ways to stay present so we can move forward with confidence.

What happens if we don’t stay present?

When we get overwhelmed by our responsibilities and the pace of our schedule, we’re surprisingly predictable. Our natural tendency is to it revert to past, less mindful ways of coping with stress.

For example, I have a long-held tendency to push through, and to pressure myself to try harder and do more, so that I don’t let anyone down. I’ve made progress on these innate tendencies, but when I’m overly busy or tired, what happens? I revert to old habits.

When we let down our guard, soul bullies move in

Are you familiar with soul bullies? These bullies are our own internal voices berating us. Soul bullies tell us that we’re not good enough, that we need to do more, that if we don’t push on we will disappoint those we love.

Soul bullies are inner critics, commenting on our (lack of) ability to navigate changing circumstances and situations. Author and speaker Leeanna Tankersly describes this internal talk as getting “sucker-punched by soul bullies,” (Soul bullies hate transformation

They resist change and try to protect us from it. Tankersly says, “when we get close to something that reminds us of who we really are, reminds us of freedom, the Soul Bullies perk up.”

*(For more information on this definition of mindful, check out Staying present in your life when it’s anything but calm.)

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But my intention to be mindful and present, to simply let the year unfold got harder with the unfolding. Just as books have plot twists, the stories of our lives can get messy fast. Reality sets in hard.

But, I realized, this is exactly when we need to “double down” on staying present! So, I offer you my thoughts on how to stay present during those times when it seems most hard.

Tips for staying present in your life when it’s anything but calm:

1. Understand what it means to be mindful

Mindfulness is focusing on the present.

The state of being mindful is being conscious and aware of your right-now moments. I especially like the Cambridge English Dictionary definition of mindful as being “deliberately aware of your body, mind, and feelings in the present moment, in order to create a feeling of calm.”

2. Pay attention to your body, mind and feelings

We often forget to pause to listen to ourselves. Being mindful today may mean that you recognize that things aren’t going as planned. Maybe you feel the pressure of unmet expectations pressing in hard. Notice the response in your body and mind. Try to name the feelings or emotions you’re experiencing.

When I practiced mindfulness today, I realized I had a picture in my head of the year unfolding, gently and easily. I imagined a pattern of slow growth and tidy little waves of life. But 2022 isn’t unfolding as I imagined it would.

I won’t go into all the details, but we’re deeply concerned about several friends walking tough paths into 2022. And with Covid numbers rising, causing flight interruptions and supply chain havoc yet again — we’ve cancelled plans to visit our daughter and son-in-law, as well as extended family members.

And when I pause to examine my body, mind, and feelings — I realize that I’m disappointed, out-of-sorts (agitated), and overwhelmed. My heart hurts for my friends and my mama’s heart especially hurts that our trip is delayed.

3. Reflect and learn from your experience

Brené Brown, a researcher and one of my favorite authors and speakers, gave us a beautiful gift in late 2021: Atlas of the Heart. The inside book cover states, in part, that she wrote the book “to show us how accurately naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power — it gives us the power of understanding, meaning, and choice.”

Brown uses the atlas analogy to help us understand our emotions, reflect on our experiences, and communicate more clearly with ourselves and each other. More importantly, we can learn from our experiences and those with similar experiences, and we craft strategies to move forward.

She organized her chapters on a “where we go when …” model. For instance, Chapter 3 is titled “Where we go when things don’t go as planned.” Reading this chapter helped me name my experience more clearly as one in which things aren’t going as planned. And naming this helped me confront my unrealistic expectations — and better understand my disappointment and frustration.

I realized that I forgot to ask what Brené Brown calls the big question: “Are you setting goals and expectations that are completely outside your control?” (Atlas to the Heart, p. 45). Of course I am!

If I’m honest, and I’m trying to be, this is more of a pattern than a one-time behavior. And, I can learn from this as well.

4. Keep staying present in your life, adjusting as needed

This step will be uniquely you. Sometimes we need to adjust our circumstances, perhaps by reducing our time commitments or obligations. At other times, we need to adjust our mindset (back to setting realistic expectations). And at other times, we simply benefit from being aware of what’s going on in our bodies, minds and emotions.

Often, we may need to gear up for courageous conversations with others. When we’re prepared and the time is right, we can use the new language of emotions we’re learning to more clearly express ourselves. And we do all of this with a mindful approach to healthy boundaries and being safely vulnerable.

I remember my intention for 2022: Mindful.

And when I do, my brain, body and spirit shift into a lower gear and settle ever-so-slightly. I’m not meant to solve all of this. I’m simply to notice, breathe, accept what I cannot change, courageously step into what I can, and slow down enough to wisely discern the difference.

“Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other.”

 — Reinhold Niebuhr, American Theologian, original version of serenity prayer

We have to let go of what we can’t control

We have to let the year unfold, even when we don’t like the unfolding. We cannot control our own lives with any reliability, let alone the lives of others around us.

Nor can we control the ravages of diseases, like cancer and dementia and even Covid. Relationships and other people’s emotions? Outside of our control.

We can’t control a lot of what’s happening in our worlds.

We have more control of our minds than we know

We can, almost always, bear witness to our experience and exert some control over when and how we react.

When we pay attention to our body, mind and feelings in the present moment we can recognize the signs of confusion and agitation, and consciously lean into the discomfort rather than avoiding it.

And, when we get curious about what’s underneath the surface, we gain information. With information, we can identify problems, or gaps. We can seek help. And we can continue monitoring our progress and adjusting our strategies for living this crazy, unpredictable life.

May you stay present in your life even when it’s anything but calm. May you find peace in knowing that you’re not alone as you practice being mindfully present. And, may you learn and grow in your understanding of your own body, mind, and spirit. Amen.

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