As our daughter and son-in-law prepare to move to his next duty station in North Carolina, the change looms close for us. He leaves in a week and she leaves in two months.

As the inevitability sinks in, the days spin fast and my mind tries to slow down time. Holding onto the essence of our lives now and taking in every detail of our time together becomes the goal.

Holding tight is natural

We can’t stop time, though we try. I want to capture these fleeting moments like fireflies in a jar, savoring them for later. It’s a delicate balancing act, this, hovering in the moment while also trying to preserve it.

But I’m doing my best to hold my family tight. We coordinated a weekend together at our little cabin to make some good memories. And, overdue for a family photo, we slipped in a photo shoot to record us all together before they move 3,500 miles.

Yet we need ways to process our changes

William Bridges’ transition model helps us do the internal work of navigating change in three distinct phases: Endings, neutral zones and beginning. The first phase of transitioning through change is an ending, or letting go.

Bridges, in his book Transitions, discusses five aspects of the natural ending experience: disengagement, dismantling, disidentification, disenchantment, and disorientation. Understanding these aspects can help us move more healthily through seasons of change.

Transitions are turning points in our lives

Our kid’s move is a transition for all of us, an ending to this phase of our lives. In my heart, I know we will never quite be the same as we are now as a family.

Transitions are turning points. And, to fully experience the transformation we must work through the natural ending experience. We need to grieve change, accept the loss it brings.

And Bridges’ transition model is a helpful guide. As you navigate your own changes, you may find yourself in one or more of the phases below. Though, as with Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief, the stages may not present themselves neatly and tidily (or sequentially).

Common phases in an ending

Bridges used psychological terms in his model, noted in the parenthesis below. I prefer the bold-face words:

1. Letting go (disengagement) — In the initial stages of an ending, it’s important to separate yourself from familiar roles and behaviors. You have to let go of what was in order to make room for what will be.
2. Living broken (dismantle) — This phase can be a long, slow and sometimes confusing stage when what used to be is no longer there, but you haven’t yet established a new way. It’s similar to living in the middle of a home remodel and can be quite chaotic.
3. Drifting (disidentification) — In this murky middle, you may no longer identify with your old self. As we let go of roles and identity, we may not know who we are becoming. Many of us experience this when our kids leave home or we retire: “I was a mom or a nurse” and “now I don’t know who I am.”
4. Unraveling (disenchantment) — In this phase, you begin to see your prior state for what it was and acknowledge that some part of the old reality was “in your head.” Bridges describes an enchantment as a “spell cast by the past on the present.” Here, we acknowledge the misperceptions, “look below the surface of what has been thought to be a certain way,” and most importantly, begin to explore options for living differently.
5. Get comfortable being uncomfortable (disorientation) — Bridges describes this phase as “a time of confusion and emptiness when ordinary things assume an unreal quality. Things that used to be important don’t seem to matter much now.” We may feel stuck or lost, unable to make decisions.

Holding tight in a changing season is natural

Recognizing that endings lead to new beginnings can help us navigate the change more easily, when we’re ready. Often, as we let go of what has been and move forward, we first experience a neutral zone. You may find you need more time alone, space to be still.

But, eventually, as you do the hard work of processing an ending, you’ll begin to explore. You’ll transform. You’ll grow.

In the meantime, it’s okay to hold on. It’s a natural part of the process. Save the waterfall for tomorrow. It’ll come soon enough!

Other resources on navigating change

• Winds of change
• A season of letting go
• Transitioning through change
• Beginnings, middles and endings

The post Holding tight in a changing season? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

“Beginnings are lacquer red fired hard in the kiln of hot hope; Middles, copper yellow in sunshine, sometimes oxidize green with tears; but Endings are always indigo before we step on the other shore.”

Sheila Banani, Life’s Rainbow, in When I am an old woman i shall wear purple

You’ve probably heard the saying that the one constant in life is change. Indeed, change is an over-arching theme for each of us. But the hues of change, though similar, differ in each life. And each of us experiences our own unique blend.

Our lives aren’t straight lines

In the final chapter of Alice in Wonderland, the king presided over a trial in which Alice’s future was to be decided. The White Rabbit inquired about where to begin. “Begin at the beginning,” the King said gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

But our lives are rarely so simple. There’s that murky middle. And, so many beginnings and endings.

Our worlds constantly evolve and change.

The seasons get muddled

On a recent late winter walk, as I was on the lookout for signs of spring, colorful autumn leaves framed a pathway through the trees. These signs of fall, out of place by nearly two seasons, serve as a colorful reminder that seasons of change happen in stages.

And just like these stubborn leaves, sometimes it’s hard for us to let go. We cling to old habits and ways despite being in a new season.

We can be in multiple stages at one time

As we sit here at the end of March, I still feel the newness of the year. We’re closer to the beginning of the year; perhaps in early stages of the middle? And yet winter is an ending and spring is a beginning, with buds and new growth coming our way.

Just as we can tromp through the woods and see signs of fall, winter and spring, all within a few steps — so life’s stages often muddle together.

The riddle of beginnings, middles and endings

Often, the important changes in life happen gradually, aren’t clear-cut. Children grow from toddlers to tweens to teenagers, acting like toddlers one day and adults the next.

Parents age, needing assistance sometimes and fiercely independent at others. We’re content in our jobs at times and yearning for something different at others.

How do we navigate?

How do we manage change, when it seems so random? When sometimes we don’t even recognize it until we’re in it?

One way is to be more aware of beginnings, middles and endings. According to the Bridges Transition Model, these transition phases help us do the work of coming to terms with a change. They help people “let go of how things used to be and reorient themselves to the way things are now.” (William Bridges, revised by Susan Bridges, in Transition as the ‘Way Through.’)

Naming where we’re at helps us

Simply understanding that we navigate a somewhat predictable path helps us better assess our next steps. And when we process change intentionally, we transform our hearts and minds through the transition, finding new purpose.

Check out these posts for more thoughts on navigating change:

• Life is in the transitions
• Next phase lost souls
• Transitioning through change
• Winds of change

And if you’d like a fresh perspective to help you navigate change, a coaching session can help you deal with shifting roles, face unexpected challenges, or gain the courage to follow your own unfulfilled dreams.

The post Beginnings, middles and endings appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.