I was talking about this concept with my friend Sara recently. She runs her own business, has a terminally ill and medically challenged son, partners with two friends on a podcast to help other special needs moms — and took on a major project. She needed to clear space on her calendar.

Resistance hits unexpectedly close

Her business advisor helped her with an “absolute yes list” and a plan to say no to anything non-essential for 90 days. She had to say no four times on Day 1. And one of those times was to a friend who really encouraged her, in a ministry that she dearly loved.

Sometimes the most difficult pressure comes from having to say no to those closest to us, the ones who truly do support us — but don’t expect our choices to impact them personally.

Another friend and mentor named this pressure, saying:

“Your boundaries will be stress-tested.”

Brian Dixon, Business coach and Author

Unexpected resistance also comes from within

When you’re navigating change, you will also meet internal resistance. This is especially true if you have a tendency to be a problem solver or people-pleaser.

In all likelihood, there are areas in which you are over-functioning — and enabling people around you to under-function. When you begin to set healthy boundaries and focus on taking care of yourself, that voice in your head will tell you that you’re letting people down. (Ask me how I know!)

Your change impacts under-functioners directly. And they will tell you about it. You’ll be tempted to believe them when they apply pressure.

Here’s why you need a plan

The process of becoming your essential self requires you to say no to people and responsibilities you may have said yes to in the past. To discover (or rediscover) yourself takes time.

You need breathing room. Discerning who you are now requires doing less rather than doing more. While this sounds easier than the way you’ve been living life, it’s a new way of thinking. And new ways of thinking take big work.

Being yourself requires both internal and external change. Being you requires a mindset shift and a behavior shift. And when you change your behaviors you create change around you. And, frankly, others may not appreciate these changes. You need to stand firm in your resolve, with love!

Signs that it’s time to focus on being you

As I’ve navigated my own journey and talked to dozens of other women, I’ve noticed several “warning signs” that may signify it’s time to make a stand for yourself.

You may need to refocus on yourself when:

1. You find yourself saying, “what about me?!” You’re overwhelmed by the needs of others and can’t seem to find space for yourself any more.
2. You don’t know who you are any more. You can no longer articulate who you are, what you like, or your purpose in life.
3. You’ve set such high expectations for yourself that you can’t meet them. Ever. You feel behind. Every. Single. Day.
4. People around you expect you to be superwoman (or at least you presume they do). And you’re tired of trying to do it all.
5. Saying no makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or guilty. If you’ve forgotten how to say no, you may no longer realize that by saying yes to everything, you are actually saying no to bigger things.

Listening to your heart

The process of becoming our true selves is change. And change always meets resistance. The mindset shift can be difficult, but it’s actually essential to enable you to focus on doing the fulfilling work that brings you joy — and serves the world.

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