But the problem with superwoman is that the world begins to rely on her. And when you’re counting on superwoman, you really don’t have to solve your own problems, do you?

Wait, “I’m just being responsible“

Most of us were raised to be responsible for ourselves at the very least, and often for younger siblings. We were taught to do our chores first then play, clean up our messes, finish what we started, and to generally take responsibility for ourselves and the world around us.

And these are all practical and laudable pursuits! But, can responsibility be too much of a good thing? The answer is sometimes: yes.

Sometimes you can be too responsible

Now, before you begin to protest, I’m not saying you should embrace irresponsibility as a practice. Nor am I encouraging you to abandon genuine responsibilities.

What I am suggesting is that there are some of us that occasionally, periodically, or for a season — take on responsibilities that we shouldn’t be carrying. We assume burdens that aren’t ours and pick up loads that others should carry. And, we excuse someone else’s under-functioning tendencies and pick up the slack.

We become “helicopter pilots”

Helicopter pilots (aka helicopter moms) dash around frantically saving those around them from their own irresponsibility. The helicopter mom delivers forgotten lunches or assignments, picks up toys, soothes over arguments, volunteers to make cookies and hovers nearby in case she’s needed.

A helicopter mom is known for saving the day! She gets things done. She’s superwoman.

Everyone needs superwoman

And for those of us who tend to over-function, it can be a bit addicting to be recognized for our efforts. After all, we get more recognition for saving the day than we do for our ongoing day-in, day-out effort of holding down the fort.

And in the busiest seasons of life, as we’re raising kids, working and managing the challenges that come our way, we may easily fall into this over-functioning, overly responsible habit. In fact, it comes quite readily to us.

Have you been playing superwoman?

Perhaps you have fallen into this habit without realizing it. Our intentions are really, really good! We want to be there for our husbands, our children, our bosses. And serving others is part of our womanly DNA.

But there’s a downside to being superwoman.

We can forget our purpose …

Our purpose is more than just picking up all the balls others are dropping. Our purpose is to live genuinely, using our unique talents and skills to contribute to the world in meaningful ways.

The unspoken underbelly to over-functioning for others is that we can stop becoming ourselves. Hear me here. I’m not advocating that we STOP being responsible for those around us, but that we give them authority and license to carry their own burdens. And that we remember deep inside, the responsibility to our own hearts and souls.

Yes, we are nurturers

As wives and mothers, we play important roles in the family. And nurturing those we love is important.

But our goal is always to help the people around us learn and grow into the very best versions of themselves. Always, we are training our children to be smart, capable, and independent of us, relying instead on God and their own inner compass. They need to learn to “pick up their own balls.”

You don’t have to play superwoman

Maybe it’s time to lighten up on yourself! You simply don’t have to be superwoman in every area of your life. You deserve to have heroes helping YOU also.

If you’ve noticed you’re playing superwoman, it may be time to step back and re-evaluate your role(s). Are those around you stepping into responsibilities as part of their own development? Have you in inadvertently picked up tasks that rightfully belong to someone else?

Stepping back will be a process

Learning to let go and having others step up is a messy and imperfect process. Prepare to meet unexpected resistance. But, rest assured Becoming your essential self is worth retraining yourself and those around you!

The post Are you playing Superwoman? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

And throughout their development, setting boundaries helps us manage the tension between holding tight and letting go. When they’re younger, we hold on a lot, but as they grow, we practice letting go. By the time our children become young adults, our role in a healthy relationship becomes much more influencer than controller.

There’s always a tension in letting go

Many parents struggle with this tension during the season of raising adolescents. One of my favorite books during this season was called “Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?” and subtitled “A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager.” With quite possibly the world’s longest (and yet somehow appropriate) title, author Anthony E. Wolf, describes this tension and provides good advice for parenting teenagers.

Wolf says, “If establishing a sense of one’s own independence is the main job of the adolescent, then letting go of their children is the main task of the parents of adolescents.” Both parents and children have evolving roles to play from adolescence and into adulthood.

For parents, letting go isn’t easy

Wolf acknowledges this process of letting go is hard. Our children learn to take control and responsibility for themselves, while, as parents, we’re learning to give up control.

We’re also learning to accept our children as they are or are becoming, which may or may not be what we’d hoped or envisioned for them. At the same time, our children are susceptible to making mistakes or suffering consequences of actions that we’d rather they avoid.

It’s a dance …

It’s a dance where it’s easy to lose track of who’s leading. But more importantly, it’s a dance where the parent continues to teach the child to be the leader of their own life.

Many parents struggle during this season because our roles evolve from being in charge of everything for our kids — to enabling our children to be in charge of their own lives. We must keep focused on the eventual goal of raising healthy and happy young adults.

At some point, they’ll be on their own and make their own rules. But there’s that gray area where some of the rules are ours and some of the rules are theirs. Many parents find this balance gets trickier with college-age or young working adults living at home. And with the pandemic, many students rebounded home unexpectedly creating more opportunities to negotiate “the dance.”

But then there’s the “roof rule”

At least that’s what we called it. On a few sticky points, my husband explained to our daughters: “What we have here is a roof problem. Our roof, our rules.”

While the young adults are in your home, you have the right to maintain non-negotiable rules. We held this card for issues most important to us, including safety, types of social gatherings in our home, monetary concerns, helping around the house, etc.

I have to say, this can be a tumultuous time.

And when the kids move out, you renegotiate

As empty-nesters, we now have renegotiated boundaries yet again. In some ways, it’s easier because the kids aren’t at home. And yet, it’s also harder because you want to spend time with your children — and you have your own time commitments.

I’ve yet to experience this personally, but my friends with grandkids tell me that boundary setting becomes increasingly important with the addition of a new generation! Again, as parents we want to help out and we want the best for our grandkids. But, we also have to define our personal priorities and needs before saying yes to every opportunity to babysit.

And, many parents address a variety of issues with their children including financial concerns, dissolving or abusive relationships with roommates or spouses, illness, or even death of a family member. Each of these requires open communication and an intentional renegotiation of boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be a tug of war

I’ve marveled as my kids spread their wings, venturing further and further out from the nest. I’ve also mourned because it means they fly farther and farther away.

Frankly, my adult children are better at setting boundaries than I am. But I am learning to navigate this boundary-setting season.

Here are a few tips for setting boundaries with adult children:

1. Be self aware. I put this first because as women, we often prioritize others’ needs and forget to check in with ourselves. We have to consider what we need to be healthy and happy, understanding that compromise may be necessary as well.
2. Align with your spouse (or other family members). If you’re making decisions about your children that impact other family members, be sure to check in with them before making commitments. Looking at a potential situation change from all sides prior to acting may help you avoid long-term frustration. And family members may provide alternative solutions you haven’t considered.
3. Be careful of enabling your children. Enabling versus helping can be a very fine line. You can help them evaluate options by asking them if they’ve considered other aspects, allow natural consequences, and still be helpful. And sometimes they simply need to fail at something to learn the lesson they need to learn.
4. Offer advice when requested; otherwise think carefully before you speak. When your adult child asks for advice, talk it through with him/her! But, if they haven’t asked, be careful about offering unsolicited advice. Ask yourself if what you’re thinking really needs to be said with your “out loud voice.” Often, the best gift we can give is to simply hold our tongue.
5. Encourage, encourage, encourage! Our kids need our encouragement more than ever as they’re exercising their “responsibility muscles.” A rule of thumb is to offer at least 5x positive reinforcement for every, shall we say, “less positive.”

And prayer, lots of prayer, always a good idea!

The post Setting boundaries with adult children appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.