Staying present in your life when it’s anything but calm

Staying present in your life is easy in the “gently unfolding days,” but how do you keep staying present when it’s suddenly anything but calm? The first few days of my year felt like an easy page turning, simply a continuation of the 2021 story.

But my intention to be mindful and present, to simply let the year unfold got harder with the unfolding. Just as books have plot twists, the stories of our lives can get messy fast. Reality sets in hard.

But, I realized, this is exactly when we need to “double down” on staying present! So, I offer you my thoughts on how to stay present during those times when it seems most hard.

Tips for staying present in your life when it’s anything but calm:

1. Understand what it means to be mindful

Mindfulness is focusing on the present.

The state of being mindful is being conscious and aware of your right-now moments. I especially like the Cambridge English Dictionary definition of mindful as being “deliberately aware of your body, mind, and feelings in the present moment, in order to create a feeling of calm.”

2. Pay attention to your body, mind and feelings

We often forget to pause to listen to ourselves. Being mindful today may mean that you recognize that things aren’t going as planned. Maybe you feel the pressure of unmet expectations pressing in hard. Notice the response in your body and mind. Try to name the feelings or emotions you’re experiencing.

When I practiced mindfulness today, I realized I had a picture in my head of the year unfolding, gently and easily. I imagined a pattern of slow growth and tidy little waves of life. But 2022 isn’t unfolding as I imagined it would.

I won’t go into all the details, but we’re deeply concerned about several friends walking tough paths into 2022. And with Covid numbers rising, causing flight interruptions and supply chain havoc yet again — we’ve cancelled plans to visit our daughter and son-in-law, as well as extended family members.

And when I pause to examine my body, mind, and feelings — I realize that I’m disappointed, out-of-sorts (agitated), and overwhelmed. My heart hurts for my friends and my mama’s heart especially hurts that our trip is delayed.

3. Reflect and learn from your experience

Brené Brown, a researcher and one of my favorite authors and speakers, gave us a beautiful gift in late 2021: Atlas of the Heart. The inside book cover states, in part, that she wrote the book “to show us how accurately naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power — it gives us the power of understanding, meaning, and choice.”

Brown uses the atlas analogy to help us understand our emotions, reflect on our experiences, and communicate more clearly with ourselves and each other. More importantly, we can learn from our experiences and those with similar experiences, and we craft strategies to move forward.

She organized her chapters on a “where we go when …” model. For instance, Chapter 3 is titled “Where we go when things don’t go as planned.” Reading this chapter helped me name my experience more clearly as one in which things aren’t going as planned. And naming this helped me confront my unrealistic expectations — and better understand my disappointment and frustration.

I realized that I forgot to ask what Brené Brown calls the big question: “Are you setting goals and expectations that are completely outside your control?” (Atlas to the Heart, p. 45). Of course I am!

If I’m honest, and I’m trying to be, this is more of a pattern than a one-time behavior. And, I can learn from this as well.

4. Keep staying present in your life, adjusting as needed

This step will be uniquely you. Sometimes we need to adjust our circumstances, perhaps by reducing our time commitments or obligations. At other times, we need to adjust our mindset (back to setting realistic expectations). And at other times, we simply benefit from being aware of what’s going on in our bodies, minds and emotions.

Often, we may need to gear up for courageous conversations with others. When we’re prepared and the time is right, we can use the new language of emotions we’re learning to more clearly express ourselves. And we do all of this with a mindful approach to healthy boundaries and being safely vulnerable.

I remember my intention for 2022: Mindful.

And when I do, my brain, body and spirit shift into a lower gear and settle ever-so-slightly. I’m not meant to solve all of this. I’m simply to notice, breathe, accept what I cannot change, courageously step into what I can, and slow down enough to wisely discern the difference.

“Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other.”

 — Reinhold Niebuhr, American Theologian, original version of serenity prayer

We have to let go of what we can’t control

We have to let the year unfold, even when we don’t like the unfolding. We cannot control our own lives with any reliability, let alone the lives of others around us.

Nor can we control the ravages of diseases, like cancer and dementia and even Covid. Relationships and other people’s emotions? Outside of our control.

We can’t control a lot of what’s happening in our worlds.

We have more control of our minds than we know

We can, almost always, bear witness to our experience and exert some control over when and how we react.

When we pay attention to our body, mind and feelings in the present moment we can recognize the signs of confusion and agitation, and consciously lean into the discomfort rather than avoiding it.

And, when we get curious about what’s underneath the surface, we gain information. With information, we can identify problems, or gaps. We can seek help. And we can continue monitoring our progress and adjusting our strategies for living this crazy, unpredictable life.

May you stay present in your life even when it’s anything but calm. May you find peace in knowing that you’re not alone as you practice being mindfully present. And, may you learn and grow in your understanding of your own body, mind, and spirit. Amen.