Staying present in relationships

Staying present in relationships, mindfully present, requires effort and can be more difficult than we expect. Why is mindful connection so tricky?

Connecting with others is a cornerstone of life. Relationships give purpose and meaning to our existence. And yet, sometimes relating to those around us is the toughest part of being human.

Being mindful in our relationships can be frustrating — and one of the most courageous acts we undertake in our lives. And investing in relationships can be our most satisfying achievement.

Let me introduce you to Wolfgang …

This is my husband, my partner for 35+ years. He’s my love and arguably my most challenging and rewarding relationship. He’s certainly taught me more about relationships than anyone in my life. And we continue to learn, together.

Just this past week, we had one of those little annoying interactions that I wouldn’t even call an argument. It was about nothing, really NOTHING. But we spent a day and a half not talking about it, revisiting an old hard-wired pattern of coping / not coping. Of course, we worked it out.

And this interaction got me to thinking about how we stay mindful in our relationships with others. Perhaps you’ll find a few nuggets here!

Long-term relationships require the most of us, inviting us to continue “staying present,” coming back to each other in a never-ending circle of vulnerability.

Relationships require investment

The frustrating side of it is that we have to be vulnerable. Research professor and author Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” and “our most accurate measure of courage” (Braving the Wilderness).

To truly connect to another human being, we put ourselves at risk of emotional exposure, without knowing the outcome. No wonder we’re scared.

We don’t like to be vulnerable

We’re consciously or unconsciously afraid. And we’re innately wired to protect ourselves from anything that might hurt us.

And since we’re afraid, we fine-tune a host of coping mechanisms to protect us from vulnerability. We avoid, we distance, we self-numb, we attack, we hide, we speak half-truths and out-right lies.

But often, we’ve developed these patterns of coping for good reason.

Not all relationships are safe

Many of us have had people in our lives that weren’t safe. And often, we didn’t have a choice about their involvement in our lives.

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that are not physically or emotionally safe. But we’re adults now, free to choose our relationships.

You’re in charge of you

You have the right, and the responsibility to yourself, to ensure your physical and emotional safety. Be aware of red flags in relationships and seek out resources when you’re not physically or emotionally safe. Reach out to a trusted advisor, nonprofit agencies, or authorities if you need help navigating your way into a safer environment.

Always, you get to decide who you’re comfortable being in relationship with, and when and where. You can and should create boundaries to protect your vulnerability, both with individuals and on topics that create a safe environment.

We don’t control the other person in a relationship, but we can make it safe for them to share themselves with us.

Stay present to yourself

If your mind is anything like mine, it’s a beautiful and crazy place. We have a wealth of work to do, just to examine what’s in our own heads.

Keep doing your work.

By staying present to ourselves first we can identify when it’s safe to put ourselves out there for emotional exposure. And sometimes, staying present to our own minds and emotions helps us realize when we’re protecting ourselves in a misguided fashion.

Internalized and unexamined fear can lead us in the wrong direction. Our coping mechanisms kick in subconsciously when we feel threatened. And, we react externally without being aware of our internal drivers.

Staying present is sometimes counter-intuitive

We want to run when we should be turning to engage. It’s exhausting and there are too many emotions. We don’t understand the rules or have the language to communicate properly.

“Many of us struggle with vulnerability because of fear, but we also fail to fully realize all of the ways we protect and distance ourselves from others. It may feel like we’re doing the right thing by keeping our mouths shut, when in fact, we should be doing just the opposite.”
Psychalive, How Embracing Vulnerability Strengthens Our Relationships

When we most want to run or hide, it may be time to pay attention, stay present, and turn toward each other.

Staying present is being courageously vulnerable

Will you accept vulnerability? Do you have a safe person in your life with whom you’re ready to:

Take a calculated risk on a relationship that’s important to you?
Accept uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure?
Have tough discussions even when you’re scared?
Make a pact with another person to stay present and work together to create a safe environment for each other?
Keep returning to the conversation?

Staying present in a relationship takes courage and commitment from both parties.

Tips for staying present in relationships

Brené Brown uses the verb and acronym BRAVING to describe seven steps for creating trust in relationships (Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, paraphrased unless in quotes below):

Boundaries — respect each others’ boundaries, ask if you’re not clear, be willing to say no.
Reliability — do what you say you’ll do, don’t overpromise, deliver on your commitments.
Accountability — own your mistakes, apologize or make amends when appropriate.
Vault — Keep information safe, protect confidences, don’t share what’s not yours to share.
Integrity — “Choose courage over comfort. Choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.”
Nonjudgement — Make space for both parties to ask for what they need and talk about feelings without judgement.
Generosity — “extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.”

Keep leaning in …

I’m beginning to believe in a new philosophy of: “I’m complicated, you’re complicated, and together, we’re even more complicated. Let’s talk about it.” With new or long-term relationships, stepping into this conversation is a process!

May you continue to lean into creating meaningful relationships. May you be courageously present and brave. And may you experience true friendship and love.