Post Mother’s Day reflections

For many of us, Mother’s Day comes with mixed emotions, and after hearing several women’s stories, I offer my “post Mother’s Day reflections.” For the record, my experience comes from being a daughter and a mom, plus having a fair amount of interaction with other mothers and their offspring.

And while many of us had a lovely day, others struggled.

Mother’s Day conjures up a certain vision

Perhaps you have a picture in your head of a real or imagined perfect mom. A mom who met your physical, emotional and mental needs without fail, every moment. One who knew you, loved you without question, was there for you in every way.

If you’re a mom yourself, you know what pressure that picture creates for us — and our mothers. My mom wasn’t perfect (despite her best intentions). And certainly, I’m not a perfect mom to my daughters (ouch, that one hurts even more).

We do the best we can with what we have

A number of years ago, I asked my parents about their parents and what they thought about their parenting skills. Separately, both my mom and my dad said, “they were fine; they did the best they could.”

At the time, I thought very hard about that, and I didn’t like it at all. I thought my parents approached their parenting with the same resolve — and I wanted more for my daughters. It seemed lacking to “only” do the best you could; they deserved that perfect mom we talked about earlier. So I resolved to be her, or to try. And yes, I know now, that I was really doing the same as my parents, and their parents before them. I was doing the best I could with what I had.

Of course, I’m not perfect

I tried, really, I did. Looking at those beautiful babies, I wanted to protect them, hold them, love them. Perfectly. Forever.

And then, life unfolded before me. And I was not perfect, am not perfect, cannot ever be perfect in my own right. If I could rewrite that story of mothering my girls into adulthood, even today, I would do many things differently.

But as Mom would say, “Elaine, you did the best you could, with the resources and knowledge you had at the moment.” And really, it’s not settling or giving up, just recognizing that we don’t have to be — and can’t — be everything for our kids.

We need to let God fill in the blanks

I am grateful to count myself as daughter to my biological mom who raised me and my mother-in-law who adopted me as her own long before I married her son! I have two daughters, lovely ladies who gave me the title mom and inspire me every day.

And you know what? God fills in the blanks for all of us, if we let him. God reaches down into my heart every day and tells me he loves me. He sends women into my life who nurture my soul. He gives me the most beautiful glimpses of his nature in the amazing world he created.

It’s never just up to us

God fills in the blanks for each of us and he certainly is doing that for my daughters. I did the best I could and he does even better.

As mothers, or fathers, for that matter, we aren’t required to be perfect. We are simply “to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with our God,” (Micah 6:8).

We just keep walking forward, doing the best we can, in that day or even that moment.

And hand our expectations over to God

And, wow, can I just say that’s hard? Expectation drives so many of our struggles on Mother’s Day! We wanted the perfect mom, we wanted to be the perfect mama, and don’t we deserve just one perfect day? Or at least to have those we have done our best to love acknowledge our efforts?

What happens when the day slides by and we’re not acknowledged or thanked? I’ve seen many mothers with broken hearts when they don’t hear from their children on this day. I’ve also seen young women, aching to be mamas, enduring disappointment. Other moms have lost children, to death or broken relationships.

So if your day was a bit broken

Lead with grace and forgiveness. Ask God for peace in his purpose. And know it’s never too late to reset your expectations and find healing. In this midlife journey, we have the opportunity to write a new story for ourselves!

For more about the generation in the middle, check out this post on the Sandwich Generation.