“Next phase lost soul”?

Are you a “next phase lost soul,” caught between phases of life? Throughout our lives, each of us experiences many transitions. Change brings both opportunity and anxiety, and sometimes a wealth of other emotions.

In his work about navigating transitions, William Bridges wrote about The Neutral Zone, a reorientation phase between an ending and a beginning. I wrote about this messy middle stage in Muddling through the middle. Gail Sheehy, author of Passages and New Passages described this neutral zone as being caught “between two chairs.”

Remember musical chairs?

No one wants to be that person, caught between two chairs. In the game of course there aren’t enough chairs for everyone and being caught without a chair means you’re out.

In life, not having a seat can feel much the same way, bringing out all of our insecurities. We can feel lost, abandoned, not good enough, as though we no longer have a place in the game.

“Next phase lost souls” are caught off guard

Change comes in many ways, sometimes through unexpected events in our lives and sometimes even by choice. And some changes are developmental, such as adolescence, midlife or aging. Often, though, these changes profoundly shift how we experience the world.

In middle adulthood, you may experience changes such as:

• Moving to a new home or city
• A job or career shift
• A serious illness
• Children gaining independence, becoming young adults
• Aging parents
• Death of a spouse or a divorce
• Change in friendships
• Even, a pandemic and accompanying lifestyle changes

Regardless of what instigates the change …

We’re caught between seats

When a change occurs, we’re unsure of our place and uncertain of whether we should move forward or backward, if that’s even possible. It’s easy to get stuck or even feel trapped in the middle.

Most of us aren’t actually resisting the change itself — we know that change happens. It’s more that these changes put us into transition. And transitions, with endings, neutral zones and beginnings, are hard. Bridges pointed out that while his transition model gives us a conceptual model to follow, “those phases are not linear stages with clear boundaries.”

And, figuring out how to move forward can be difficult.

Tips for “next phase lost souls”

It’s easy to forget that no one’s pulling chairs out on each round. There’s always another seat, we just have to find the one that fits our needs.

Below are a few tips to help you find your way forward.

1. Begin with the ending

• Practice what Bridges calls the “five “dis’s” of experiencing loss:
  • Disengage or seperate from what you have lost (a way of being, a relationship, a role, even parts of your identity).
  • Dismantle or analyze the structure of your loss and your beliefs about what you may need to let go.
  • Disidentify or acknowledge and grieve that you are no longer the person you were before the change.
  • Allow yourself to be Disenchanted. Notice how you feel disappointed or disillusioned by giving up something that once held great meaning for you.
  • Recognize the disorientation. Acknowledge your sense of loss and bewilderment as you alternate between letting go and moving forward.
• Give yourself time. Depending on how significant of a change you experience, the process of letting go of how life used to be may take days, months or even years. Your journey of letting go is your journey and it takes the time it takes.

2. Be okay with being uncomfortable (neutral zone)

• Give yourself permission to explore. The neutral zone can be a season of creativity, of assessing options, of trying out new ideas. You may start and stop, give up, begin again. This is not only okay, but a natural part of being in the middle.
• Notice your feelings and don’t be hard on yourself. This may be a good time to journal, to walk, to rest. Pausing to reflect and assess what you’re learning will help you notice more.
• Allow solutions to unfold rather than expecting immediate answers. Over time, as you’re patient with yourself, you’ll begin to notice renewal. You’ll begin to see a path forward, uniquely yours.

3. Embrace your new beginnings

• You’ll know when it’s time to commit. While exciting, new beginnings often come laced with fear and anxiety. Deep inside, you know you have to let go and acknowledge the ending. It may feel as if you’re swinging on a rope, out over a lake, and you have to let go to move forward.
• Before you let go, have a plan for beginning. Give yourself specific goals, steps and milestones you can fall back on if/when you have doubts or need courage.
• If planning is hard, look for a simple step forward. One of my favorite mentors, Emily P. Freeman, has a gentle practice for discerning next steps. Check out her weekly The Next Right Thing podcast and her latest books, The Next Right Thing and The Next Right Thing Guided Journal. *
• Define success and build in places to acknowledge and celebrate your wins.
• Then, when you’re ready, let go.

You may be lost but you’re not alone

We all experience those in-between phases where we’re not quite ready to let go nor to move forward. Sometimes it’s helpful to know that it’s okay to be lost. And that there’s always a chair for you when you need time to re-evaluate.

You don’t have to venture out on your own. There are plenty of us who’re traveling similar paths. If you’d like to explore ideas, I’d love to chat with you and I offer a free introductory coaching session.

And when you’re ready, fling open the door, cross the threshold and embrace your new adventure! Let’s share the journey.

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