Do I even know who I am?

Have you ever paused to ask yourself, “do I even know who I am anymore?” As wives, mothers, volunteers, and workers, it’s not uncommon to lose track of who we are in the midst of all that we do.

We think as we get older we become more confident in who we are — but sometimes we just get busier. And sometimes we’re so busy we forget to ask if we’re living the life we should be living.

Or maybe more accurately, is the person I’ve become the one I want to be? A couple of weeks ago, I asked the question, “who do you want to be?” One kind reader wrote hoping I’d talk about first figuring out who we are now. And it’s a good question!

It’s easy to lose ourselves in the transitions

As young women, most of us had some ideas about who we wanted to become. Many of us wanted to be wives and mothers, to follow careers, to make a difference in the world. As our lives got busier and busier, we achieved many of these goals.

We transitioned from schooling to careers, from single to married and eventually from married to married with children. And then, raising kids and living life became all-consuming.

Pretty soon we’re busy juggling

And when you’re juggling, you don’t have a lot of spare time or energy to put into self-discovery. At many times during those busy years I found myself looking for a bit of breathing room. At this stage, self care sounds pretty enticing.

But when you’re trying to keep from dropping balls, you’re really just tossing them higher to hopefully take an extra breath before you have to catch it again.

Or, maybe you’re running around retrieving balls off the floor.

I’ve certainly been there a time or two. And I have the scars to prove it, as they say.

At some point, we do stop

We come to the realization that life as we know it just isn’t working. We throw our hands up in the air and admit that we’re not fine, at least not always. For me, this became a journey of renewal that has taken quite a bit of time.

And as I write about my own journey, I’m beginning to understand that this stage of rediscovering who we are happens to many of us in middle adulthood.

Awareness truly is the first step

Like the proverbial lobster in the pot, we overlook what happens to us so gradually. The course of our lives changes in minuscule, even tiny steps.

And once we’re aware that we need to change ourselves or our lives, creating change often begins slowly as well. We notice, we reflect, we get really honest with ourselves. We begin to come to deep understanding of where we are strong and where we are broken.

And we begin to recover ourselves

If you’re in this crazy stage of asking yourself if you even know who you are anymore, let me just give you a bit of hope. Underneath everything that you do now, under all the striving, performing and maybe even pretending to be strong — YOU are there. And you’re worth the journey of figuring out who you are: as yourself and a creation of God.

And, you’re not alone! As I’ve gone down this path, I’ve met women who share the journey. I’ve discovered how God delights in helping us on the path of becoming ourselves.

Do I even know who I am?

I am Elaine and I am becoming me. For today, that’s enough. It’s really not that simple, but in a way, it is.

Today, as I write, I look out the window at a snowy landscape. The birch trees stand straight and tall in front of me. Hundreds of trees, clustered together, strong of purpose. They seem much the same and yet some are bending with the weight of snow on them, some have lived more years and have strong branches. Still others in this particular grove are thin, or broken.

Each is unique, yet part of a community. Like us.

The snow falls lightly. Another day. We’re still standing and underneath the snow, perhaps we’re growing as well.