Diving in

Welcome! I’m diving into writing because the time to explore what it means to live well is now and the place is here, on this website.

It’s time to share what I have learned in my half a century of finding my own way and not always getting it right. I’ve learned a lot and I look forward to learning more.

I hope you’ll join me

We talk about life as a journey, which makes us travelers. We are each born, we are raised by other travelers who may or may not know where they are going or how to travel well through life. Some travelers have a solid foundation, a good start, someone to help them pack all the right things in their bags to live well; others, not so much.

Often, even the best travelers have life situations that throw them off course or tax their ability to cope and manage this experience of living. Some grow up without anyone to help them chart a course — and yet, somehow despite all odds they chart their own course.

Let’s explore together

Some of us seem to have an inner compass, an innate sense of true north. Many, like me, travel indirect paths, sometimes seemingly in circles. Searching and searching, catching glimpses of truth, but not really the whole picture.

Pretending like I was in control, have this life somewhat figured out. Pretending that I had the answers, or at least could figure them out. Trying to stay on top of the hill, while push after life push, sent me scurrying, scrambling back up.

I have a few things to share

Wisdom, as they say, whispers — and sometimes I need help listening. Or perhaps a timeout. Apparently whispers weren’t working.

So, the God of the universe gave me an unexpected timeout, and after nearly 40 years of working, I had a break. Well … lest you jump to conclusions and assume that this story is about a gal sitting on the beach and contemplating life, philosophizing and pontificating … that must be someone else.

No, this time God loaded me up big, and I kind of picture him smiling a bit as he watched me trying to pack it all in. Before I even got to my last day of work, my plate was reloaded with unexpected care responsibilities for parents, helping to launch our daughters and general life. It seemed like God was giving me a break from work so that I could focus on these other tasks.

As I look back on the past 6 months, I realize this timeout has been more of the kicking, screaming “put her in the corner to protect herself and the rest of the classroom” type. I was a white hot mess and of course, like any four year old, it wasn’t my fault. And when you’re a big ball of emotions, you don’t even realize you’re not coping well. You blame it on life, on other people, on burdens too much to bear.

We all need perspective

And six months later, I have a different perspective. I had been going along treating life as if God, the master of the universe, was relying on me. I would approach each new assignment, saying “Okay, I got this. Oh, you need me to take that also, okay, got it, got it, got it. I know you’re helping me, right?! We can do this!”

But the truth is inside I was struggling. While showing a positive face, I was weighed down by my load, weary of carrying the burden. And I wasn’t really being truthful with my people or myself. Instead I was pushing and performing as if my life depended on it, then exhausted and spent, I was coping in ways that trampled rather than affirmed my soul.

I finally realize my identity was in carrying the load. And maybe that’s not really how I want to think of myself anymore. Somewhere in the last 56 years, there is a little girl who hasn’t quite grown into herself.

We need to return to true purpose

God never asked me to sacrifice myself; He already did that for me. You see, I know that I need God and I will naturally have a load to carry as I travel. But He’s never asked me to lose myself. He says his burden is light.

And I don’t think that trying to do it all is what God intended. He wants me to find him, to love others, to walk humbly. And on that journey, as I allow myself to unravel in this midlife season, wisdom will be revealed.

Thanks for tagging along!