The Oxford Dictionary defines a curator as: “A keeper or custodian of a museum or other collection.”

Just as curators pick what goes into museums, art displays or any type of collection, we tell our stories with what we collect and display. When we’re mindful curators of our memories, we choose what stories we’ll tell about ourselves and our family members and how we want to be remembered.

Our memories are a precious collection

And at this midlife stage, we may find we have a considerable collection. As women, we keep mementos that represent the memories we’ve created personally. And, as mothers and daughters, we also hold precious the memories of our parents and our children (as memory makers and caretakers).

And honestly, some of us have extensive collections! If we don’t have time to make a decision on what to keep, we often toss things in a pile, file or box to sort through later. When we’re busy, we save more.

Are your memories like a crowded drawer?

Here’s what one midlife author said about our crowded minds at this stage of life:

“Here’s what it comes down to, really: there is so much stuff in my head, so many years, so many memories, that it’s taken the place of primacy away from the things in the bedrooms, on the porch. My doctor says that, contrary to conventional wisdom, she doesn’t believe our memories flag because of a drop in estrogen but because of how crowded it is in the drawers of our minds.”

Anna Quindlen, Lots of candles, Plenty of cake

Perhaps it’s time to reduce the crowding by curating the items we hold on to, so that we effectively tell the stories most important to us and the generations to come.

We have a broad perspective in midlife

The midlife season is a perfect time to consider what stories we’re telling ourselves and future generations. In fact, I believe that there’s no better time to create mindful memories than this midlife season.

Sandwiched between our parents and our children, we have a broader perspective than we’ve ever had. And, we’re old enough to know what’s important — and young enough to bear the decision-making weight.

A mindful memory decluttering session can have lasting impacts on our mental health as well.

A “tidy process” for decluttering memories

Several years ago, I read and was inspired by Marie Kondo’s books, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up” and the sequel, “Spark Joy.” I couldn’t tackle decluttering everything at once, but I’ve returned numerous times to these books.

And I’ve made lots of progress in various areas of our home. But the area I tiptoed through, not really addressing? Mementos and memories.

In fact, Kondo recommends saving mementos for the very last category to sort through when using her process. We need to build up our muscles in other categories before we tackle items with sentimental ties.

I highly recommend Kondo’s books, and her process for finding joy in what you keep. I think it’s a great start for anyone hoping to simplify and streamline their life.

But when it comes to photos, I draw from my journalistic roots and story-telling legacy! Over the years, my dad and mom told many wonderful stories of their lives together. And even when they divorced, these stories came up at family gatherings and in casual conversations. On top of that, dad was a prolific photographer, mostly of scenic views but also, especially when we kids were young, of family life.

I hope the process I’ve been going through will be helpful to you! Below are:

“Elaine’s 5 Mindful Memories Tips”!

1. Decide when you’re ready

For many busy years, I collected keepsakes and mementos of my life, many of which reminded me of my children or parents. And while my house appeared generally organized — behind the scenes was a mountain of mementos (photos, cards and letters, sentimental papers, art projects, and keepsakes).

I recently decided it was time to truly tackle the last refuge of mementos. I’d avoided my own household filing because I’d run out of file space. And, I knew the answer was decidedly NOT to buy another file cabinet. This was my forcing function.

I knew that cleaning out one file cabinet and filing the pile of paper was only the beginning. I was opening the door to a deeper tidying effort.

I was ready and knew it was time to prioritize the deeper effort required.

2. Pick a place to begin …

The file cabinet I needed for household papers was a two-drawer lateral file cabinet. In each drawer, 25+ years of keepsakes for each of my daughters. I’d labeled every year of their lives and kept their birth books, and keepsakes from pre-school through college.

Since neither of my girls had the bandwidth to go through these materials now (nor the storage space), I did a quick pass to remove items clearly not worth keeping. And, I bought nice plastic totes to box up the remainder.

3. Organize your children’s keepsakes

Your children’s keepsakes belong to them! Of course, you maintain memories from this time of your life, with photos and other memorabilia from your time together. But aside from photos and gifts or cards they’ve given you, the memories of your children’s childhoods are largely theirs to own. And the decision on what to keep should also be mostly theirs. That said, as their parent you may also need or want a say in when they’re ready to make good decisions about these items.

My girls are young adults in their mid-twenties and each in their own home. But they’re both likely to move in the next few years and neither has much storage space. At the moment I do have space for their keepsakes. Plus, I think they’ll gain a better perspective on what’s important to them as they settle down a bit more.

So, since I have shelf space in the laundry room, the totes full of papers went there, along with a few tubs of childhood toys and other keepsakes. All of this is ready to pass on to them to sort through sometime in the next couple of years.

4. Curate what you keep from your parents

As time goes on, your parents will share keepsakes with you. As my parents have aged and downsized, they’ve handed over some of their mementos as well.

Going through a parent’s belongings, particularly if you’ve lost them, can be quite difficult. And you may want to approach these memories in steps, keeping more initially and downsizing as you’re ready emotionally to process mementos.

When my dad passed away a year and half ago, my brothers and I consolidated everything and did an initial divvying up. As you might guess, I’m the sentimental one — so I kept Dad’s baby book and his slides, photographs, high school and college annuals, and many other items he collected over the years. I’ve also accumulated items from my mom as she’s downsized, first in a small apartment and now in assisted living.

I’ve kept many items that hold memories and sentiment. Now, I’m going through and realizing that some items hold more emotional ties than others. Really, do I need his old cell phone? In my case, I’ve decided not. You might decide differently, particularly if you’re telling a story of the technology of your parents’ time.

But items that dad made and even some of his clothing (such as a favorite jacket I wrap myself in sometimes) made the cut. And, going through the many photographs and slides has also required some staging. I’ve already done a couple of photo books and am collecting photos for two more which will be done over time.

5. Begin to curate your own memories mindfully

I’ve gone through the tidying process and our home, for the most part, contains only items we love. These will change over time as the person I’m becoming also changes. My biggest area of mindful memory organization opportunity is still my personal photo collection.

Like my father, I enjoy taking pictures. I love recording moments of connection with my family, places I visit, and moments of nature and beauty.

I’m making progress and focusing on retaining quality, not quantity. And I thought it might be helpful to include some of Marie Kondo’s advice that helps me in the process.

Kondo’s guiding philosophy for sentimental items

(Summarized from The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up):

1. “We live in the present. No matter how wonderful things used to be, we cannot live in the past. The joy and excitement we feel here and now are more important. So once again, the way to decide what to keep is to pick up each item and ask yourself, ‘Does this spark joy?‘”
2. Handling each item helps us process our past, remove weight, and reset our lives to move forward more confidently.
3. Treasuring the person we’ve become because of our past experiences is more important than the memories or keepsakes that remind us of the experience.
4. “The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now, not for the person we were in the past.”
5. “Really important things are not that great in number.”
6. “The meaning of a photo lies in the excitement and joy you feel when taking it. In many cases, the prints developed afterward have already outlived their purpose.”
7. And finally, this one really resonated with me: “We shouldn’t still be sorting photos when we reach old age. If you, too, are leaving this task for when you grow old, don’t wait. Do it now. You will enjoy the photos far more when you are old if they are already in an album than if you have to move and sort through a heavy boxful of them.”

As you curate your own mindful memories …

Telling our stories helps us find meaning and purpose in the experiences that have brought us to this point in time. And we learn from each other as we make sense of our own lives.

May curating mindful memories unfold as a meaningful journey! May you treasure the person you’ve become through your life experiences. And may you find peace and purpose in the life you now live.

The post Mindful memories appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Our culture has taught us to “grin and bear it” and that “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” We have responsibilities, expectations, and pressing challenges.

We’re hard-wired to keep at it even when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed. This work ethic serves us well in many situations — and at times, it causes us to get in our own way.

We’re not meant to live at full speed

Full speed is for running from serious threats and protecting ourselves. Our bodies and minds keep us safe by jumping into action when we’re under attack.

But many of us slipped into patterns of moving at full speed all. the. time. We live as if we’re under threat every moment of the day.

It’s counter-intuitive to take a break from the action. We might miss out. Or worse yet, not live up to our own or the world’s expectations.

But we’re paying a price for this mindset of operating at full speed.

We need breathing room

Our bodies, minds and spirits need time to adjust to the experiences we live. We need to recalibrate from the stresses and challenges we face in our every day, extraordinary lives.

And truly, is anything so urgent that we can’t stop for a moment? Will the world stop if we aren’t in constant motion ourselves?

“Taking regular, mindful breaks throughout the day helps to not only improve your concentration and overall productivity but importantly it helps to re-energize your mind.”

Calm.com, 20 Ways to take a mindful break

Mindful breaks heal us

Another definition of being mindful is simply giving one’s full attention to the present moment. Experts say that stepping out of the action, even for a few minutes, reenergizes our body, mind and spirit.

Vibay Chandran Weisbecker, a holistic wellness and mindfulness expert at Mindbody, says to “think of mindfulness breaks as mini stress-recovery sessions.” Quoted in the Well and Good blog, Weisbecker offers 3 Exercises for a Quick Mindfulness Break.

5 signs it’s time to take a mindful break

1. When your emotions are high — we can use time to reevaluate our emotions using the think, feel, act cycle (I wrote about this here: Are you mindfully present?)
2. When your body begins to protest (you’re sick, tired, lack focus) — our bodies tell the story of our lives and won’t let up until we stop and listen.
3. When you no longer feel joy — when we stop enjoying life, we lose our natural enthusiasm and often feel pressure to perform, numb or avoid the act of living.
4. When your mind is spinning in circles, anxious or racing — often we simply need time and space to gather our thoughts, process the circumstances, and make sense of a situation.
5. When you’re stuck — sometimes we can “pull it all together” in our own heads, without outside influence, but sometimes we need a mindfulness break to realize that we need an outside perspective or opinion.

You deserve a mindfulness break: Take it

Only you know how frequently you need a break — or how long those breaks should be. But the more I give myself space and time to be mindful, the more I discover I benefit. Start small and let it evolve!

May you find peace in mindful breaks. May you feel your mind, spirit and body settle. And may you gain renewed energy, passion and purpose in your life.

The post Take a mindful break appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

What keeps us from being mindfully present?

Sometimes we’re simply too busy living our lives to stop and really take notice. And sometimes, we’re overwhelmed by the lives we live — and want to escape, numb or avoid what we need to do, or think we should do.

And can mindful presence transform our lives? I think it can.

But I’m learning that being mindfully present takes active engagement, a curious mind, and a willingness to challenge ourselves to think in new ways. And it’s not a one-time endeavor, it’s more of a lifelong adventure.

Read on for my thoughts and 7 questions to ask yourself about your circumstances!

What does it mean to be mindfully present?

Being present is the act of being fully in the moment. But mindfulness takes it a step further to encompass our intentional response to the environment around us. When we’re mindfully present, we’re here now in this moment, but we’re also paying attention with our five senses.

And when we’re mindfully present, we intentionally control our actions rather than reacting blindly. As human beings, we’re wired to protect ourselves, to avoid danger, to stay alive. We are thinking beings, but many of our thoughts are subconscious and may not be altogether reliable.

Introducing the think, feel, act cycle

I learned about the think, feel, act cycle a couple of years ago. Rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), this model helps us better understand the conscious — and unconscious — thought patterns that influence how we navigate life. The model contains five interacting components: Circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, and results.

Faced with a new circumstance, our busy brains think thoughts and make judgements about the situation. Based on those judgements, we feel a particular way (emotions). And our feelings influence how we act — leading to behaviors, outcomes or results.

This cycle happens beneath the surface so many of us don’t pay any attention to it. As we begin to pay attention to our thought processes and patterns, we can shift these ingrained thought habits to help us better navigate our circumstances.

Let’s take a closer look …

What happens when we encounter a new circumstance? When we notice the situation, our brain kicks into gear to make sense of it. Here’s how this might play out with a bear in the yard (if you live in Alaska like me, this actually happens occasionally):

First, we think. We collect facts, such as the symptoms and severity, and we make judgements. If we’ve experienced something similar, we apply what we learned to project what might happen now. These are basic instincts by which our ancestors survived. A bear attacked someone in the woods a couple of years ago; a bear in my yard might attack and kill me.

Then we feel. I don’t want to be eaten by a bear. I’m anxious and afraid, I begin to panic.

And that tells us how we should act. I’m in danger, I better run or hide.

What happens if we mindfully interrupt this cycle?

For starters, psychologists tell us that all circumstances are neutral. They don’t become good or bad until we judge them so with our thoughts and judgements. This makes sense when we think again of the bear — a hunter in bear season (and not in the city) would think of a bear sighting as a good thing. Me, without bear spray in my hand in my back yard, might judge the situation to be unsafe.

Also, we can control our thoughts. We can stop the cycle by first noticing what our brains are telling us.

In the bear situation, we might notice that we’ve jumped to the conclusion that the bear is going to eat us — but actually, it’s not uncommon for bears to come into neighborhoods during the summer, searching for trash or other easy food. We can begin to ask questions: What shelter do I have? How close is the bear? How is it behaving? Will it go away if I make noise?

When we calm our brain from its panicked state, we can begin to change the thought process that leads to sometimes overwhelming feelings — and subsequent actions. This can lead us to more helpful results or outcomes.

Putting it to work in your life

Most of us aren’t facing bears on a regular basis. But we do navigate changing and sometimes challenging circumstances in our lives.

What are some circumstances that you’re navigating now? And how can you be more mindfully present?

As we’ve talked about navigating change in middle adulthood, common situations that may arise include:

• Changing jobs
• Young adult children leaving home (empty nest)
• Relationship changes (losing a spouse or family member, divorce, friendship shifts)
• Illness (yours or a family member’s)
• Moving
• Wanting to change a habit (perhaps to create a new one or change how you’ve typically responded)
• And many more!

Questions to help you be mindfully present

Here are some questions to guide you in being mindfully present to your evolving circumstances:

1. What is the current circumstance?
2. What are my initial thoughts and feelings about the circumstance?
3. And what behaviors or actions does this suggest for me?
4. What story am I telling myself about this circumstance?
5. Could there be a different way to think about it? Another perspective that might serve me better?
6. Who has gone through something similar and what suggestions can they give me?
7. How will I change my reactions — and actions — based on retracing the steps in this cycle?

Being mindfully present takes practice!

Each day, we begin again.

Leanna Tankersley

We show up, we notice. And we give ourselves grace to keep walking on, being a beginner.

May you be mindfully present right now. May you acknowledge and accept how you feel, and open your eyes to view your circumstances in new ways. And may you retrace the cycle to act in the best way possible for you, today❣️

The post Are you mindfully present? appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Connecting with others is a cornerstone of life. Relationships give purpose and meaning to our existence. And yet, sometimes relating to those around us is the toughest part of being human.

Being mindful in our relationships can be frustrating — and one of the most courageous acts we undertake in our lives. And investing in relationships can be our most satisfying achievement.

Let me introduce you to Wolfgang …

This is my husband, my partner for 35+ years. He’s my love and arguably my most challenging and rewarding relationship. He’s certainly taught me more about relationships than anyone in my life. And we continue to learn, together.

Just this past week, we had one of those little annoying interactions that I wouldn’t even call an argument. It was about nothing, really NOTHING. But we spent a day and a half not talking about it, revisiting an old hard-wired pattern of coping / not coping. Of course, we worked it out.

And this interaction got me to thinking about how we stay mindful in our relationships with others. Perhaps you’ll find a few nuggets here!

Relationships require investment

The frustrating side of it is that we have to be vulnerable. Research professor and author Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” and “our most accurate measure of courage” (Braving the Wilderness).

To truly connect to another human being, we put ourselves at risk of emotional exposure, without knowing the outcome. No wonder we’re scared.

We don’t like to be vulnerable

We’re consciously or unconsciously afraid. And we’re innately wired to protect ourselves from anything that might hurt us.

And since we’re afraid, we fine-tune a host of coping mechanisms to protect us from vulnerability. We avoid, we distance, we self-numb, we attack, we hide, we speak half-truths and out-right lies.

But often, we’ve developed these patterns of coping for good reason.

Not all relationships are safe

Many of us have had people in our lives that weren’t safe. And often, we didn’t have a choice about their involvement in our lives.

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that are not physically or emotionally safe. But we’re adults now, free to choose our relationships.

You’re in charge of you

You have the right, and the responsibility to yourself, to ensure your physical and emotional safety. Be aware of red flags in relationships and seek out resources when you’re not physically or emotionally safe. Reach out to a trusted advisor, nonprofit agencies, or authorities if you need help navigating your way into a safer environment.

Always, you get to decide who you’re comfortable being in relationship with, and when and where. You can and should create boundaries to protect your vulnerability, both with individuals and on topics that create a safe environment.

We don’t control the other person in a relationship, but we can make it safe for them to share themselves with us.

Stay present to yourself

If your mind is anything like mine, it’s a beautiful and crazy place. We have a wealth of work to do, just to examine what’s in our own heads.

Keep doing your work.

By staying present to ourselves first we can identify when it’s safe to put ourselves out there for emotional exposure. And sometimes, staying present to our own minds and emotions helps us realize when we’re protecting ourselves in a misguided fashion.

Internalized and unexamined fear can lead us in the wrong direction. Our coping mechanisms kick in subconsciously when we feel threatened. And, we react externally without being aware of our internal drivers.

Staying present is sometimes counter-intuitive

We want to run when we should be turning to engage. It’s exhausting and there are too many emotions. We don’t understand the rules or have the language to communicate properly.

“Many of us struggle with vulnerability because of fear, but we also fail to fully realize all of the ways we protect and distance ourselves from others. It may feel like we’re doing the right thing by keeping our mouths shut, when in fact, we should be doing just the opposite.”

Psychalive, How Embracing Vulnerability Strengthens Our Relationships

When we most want to run or hide, it may be time to pay attention, stay present, and turn toward each other.

Staying present is being courageously vulnerable

Will you accept vulnerability? Do you have a safe person in your life with whom you’re ready to:

• Take a calculated risk on a relationship that’s important to you?
• Accept uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure?
• Have tough discussions even when you’re scared?
• Make a pact with another person to stay present and work together to create a safe environment for each other?
• Keep returning to the conversation?

Staying present in a relationship takes courage and commitment from both parties.

Tips for staying present in relationships

Brené Brown uses the verb and acronym BRAVING to describe seven steps for creating trust in relationships (Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, paraphrased unless in quotes below):

• Boundaries — respect each others’ boundaries, ask if you’re not clear, be willing to say no.
• Reliability — do what you say you’ll do, don’t overpromise, deliver on your commitments.
• Accountability — own your mistakes, apologize or make amends when appropriate.
• Vault — Keep information safe, protect confidences, don’t share what’s not yours to share.
• Integrity — “Choose courage over comfort. Choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.”
• Nonjudgement — Make space for both parties to ask for what they need and talk about feelings without judgement.
• Generosity — “extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.”

Keep leaning in …

I’m beginning to believe in a new philosophy of: “I’m complicated, you’re complicated, and together, we’re even more complicated. Let’s talk about it.” With new or long-term relationships, stepping into this conversation is a process!

May you continue to lean into creating meaningful relationships. May you be courageously present and brave. And may you experience true friendship and love.

The post Staying present in relationships appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

This practice of paying attention to ourselves doesn’t come easily to many of us. We’re much more accustomed to attending to those around us. We’re comfortable with caring for others, and out of practice with caring for ourselves.

But I’m practicing being present, staying mindful in 2022. I’m noticing my busy mind — and remembering a few tips for staying present.

If your mind is so busy you’re tempted to throw your hands up in despair, perhaps these observations will give you the presence of mind to move forward productively!

My mind is busy and I struggle to stay present

On a snowy January day, the snow falls gently outside my window, a snow globe that resembles my busy mind. My mind swirls out of control, and it’s particularly hard to stay attuned to my body, mind and soul.

My thoughts are all over the place and paying attention exhausts me, but I jot down a few notes:

• I feel “off-kilter.” My routine is out of balance as appointments shift and cancel, unexpected tasks arrive, and calls interrupt.
• I can’t focus. I want and try to stay present, but all of the changes and interruptions tug my mind in a million different directions.
• A slightly-agitated and unproductive feeling hangs with me. I tackle small projects, but I’m not making progress on my big goals.
• I’m overwhelmed and disappointed with myself. But I sense that these feelings are just the tip of the iceberg and that more feelings lie under the surface.
• Staying present feels hard. And reminding myself to stay present just annoys me further.

And all of this just makes me want to curl up by the fire while at the same time, I really want and need to be productive!

There’s a battle in my head

And I’m stuck in the middle of conflicting feelings, paralyzed. I have so many things I want and need to do.

But I’m mid-winter tired of this weather and of trying to push through all the things. And, I realize, I’m halfway through a 10-day stretch that was supposed to be a break from winter and a chance to spend time with loved ones.

I’m cranky and disappointed and this weather presses in on me, making me wish for sunshine and connection.

Just acknowledging the battle gives me hope

Perhaps paying attention matters most when we can’t quite name our feelings. Acknowledging the conflict in our hearts and minds helps us pay attention and understand what’s overwhelming us.

We notice the mixed feelings swirling around us, like a snowstorm. We separate from them, describe them and try to name them, however imperfectly.

And knowing the battle’s in my mind feels like an ah-ha moment. Because when we know there’s a fight, we realize there’s an enemy. And that enemy will keep us fighting against ourselves as long as we let it.

And I remember an important lesson about being mindful.

Being mindful is noticing, not fighting feelings

When I did a one-day silent retreat a few years ago, I entered the room with little introduction or knowledge about mindfulness. After spending six of the eight hours struggling with my busy mind, I accepted the leader’s invitation for a one-on-one consultation.

I told her I was surprised at the mental and physical exhaustion of “practicing” being present. The more I tried to be calm and quiet, the busier my mind became.

She wisely and patiently advised me to simply notice my thoughts, not fight them. She suggested I welcome my thoughts, picture them arriving as sediment in a bucket of water, and let them settle gently to the bottom.

Remember to notice

I need this lesson again and again, if I’m honest. My natural inclination is to power on, ignore those pesky feelings, or trample them in the dust of my own expectations of what needs to be done.

But I know where this road leads. I’ve been here many times and it’s not where I want to go today.

So I’ll sit for a minute with my bucket of feelings. Pause, notice. Welcome them in, try to name them as they drift down around me.

Let them come and go. Watch them slowly settle.

Be mindful instead of powering through with a mind full of thoughts and emotions. And as my mind slows and settles, I notice this presence of mind helps me step forward.

What needs tending in this moment?

I remember the check that needs to be sent and I write it out, put it in an envelope, address it, add a stamp. Then I put on my boots and coat and walk it out to the mailbox.

And as I turn back to the house, I notice the snow falling gently and the trees covered again in snow. I hear the birds chirping.

I’m here, present to the beauty around me.

And inevitably, my soul settles.

I’m okay. The world is okay, too.

Being mindful when our minds are full is a gentle practice of paying attention, attending, tending. When we pay attention to our hearts, minds and bodies, we’re here, in attendance. We’re tending to ourselves and to our world.

May you be present for each thought and feeling in your busy mind. May you welcome them like snowflakes falling around you. And as they settle softly around you, may you tend to what needs tending.

You might also like these posts:

Staying present when it’s anything but calm

Staying present when it’s busy

The post Staying present in your life when your mind is busy appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

But staying present is especially important when we’re busy! If we’re not diligent, we give up our calm. Worse yet, we pause the work of growing into better versions of ourselves.

When the pace picks up, we often forget the definition of mindful, “to be deliberately aware of your body, mind, and feelings in the present moment, in order to create a feeling of calm.” *

Below, we talk about what happens if we don’t stay present in our lives. And, we discuss effective ways to stay present so we can move forward with confidence.

What happens if we don’t stay present?

When we get overwhelmed by our responsibilities and the pace of our schedule, we’re surprisingly predictable. Our natural tendency is to it revert to past, less mindful ways of coping with stress.

For example, I have a long-held tendency to push through, and to pressure myself to try harder and do more, so that I don’t let anyone down. I’ve made progress on these innate tendencies, but when I’m overly busy or tired, what happens? I revert to old habits.

When we let down our guard, soul bullies move in

Are you familiar with soul bullies? These bullies are our own internal voices berating us. Soul bullies tell us that we’re not good enough, that we need to do more, that if we don’t push on we will disappoint those we love.

Soul bullies are inner critics, commenting on our (lack of) ability to navigate changing circumstances and situations. Author and speaker Leeanna Tankersly describes this internal talk as getting “sucker-punched by soul bullies,” (Soul bullies hate transformation

They resist change and try to protect us from it. Tankersly says, “when we get close to something that reminds us of who we really are, reminds us of freedom, the Soul Bullies perk up.”

*(For more information on this definition of mindful, check out Staying present in your life when it’s anything but calm.)

The post Staying present in your life when it’s busy appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

But my intention to be mindful and present, to simply let the year unfold got harder with the unfolding. Just as books have plot twists, the stories of our lives can get messy fast. Reality sets in hard.

But, I realized, this is exactly when we need to “double down” on staying present! So, I offer you my thoughts on how to stay present during those times when it seems most hard.

Tips for staying present in your life when it’s anything but calm:

1. Understand what it means to be mindful

Mindfulness is focusing on the present.

The state of being mindful is being conscious and aware of your right-now moments. I especially like the Cambridge English Dictionary definition of mindful as being “deliberately aware of your body, mind, and feelings in the present moment, in order to create a feeling of calm.”

2. Pay attention to your body, mind and feelings

We often forget to pause to listen to ourselves. Being mindful today may mean that you recognize that things aren’t going as planned. Maybe you feel the pressure of unmet expectations pressing in hard. Notice the response in your body and mind. Try to name the feelings or emotions you’re experiencing.

When I practiced mindfulness today, I realized I had a picture in my head of the year unfolding, gently and easily. I imagined a pattern of slow growth and tidy little waves of life. But 2022 isn’t unfolding as I imagined it would.

I won’t go into all the details, but we’re deeply concerned about several friends walking tough paths into 2022. And with Covid numbers rising, causing flight interruptions and supply chain havoc yet again — we’ve cancelled plans to visit our daughter and son-in-law, as well as extended family members.

And when I pause to examine my body, mind, and feelings — I realize that I’m disappointed, out-of-sorts (agitated), and overwhelmed. My heart hurts for my friends and my mama’s heart especially hurts that our trip is delayed.

3. Reflect and learn from your experience

Brené Brown, a researcher and one of my favorite authors and speakers, gave us a beautiful gift in late 2021: Atlas of the Heart. The inside book cover states, in part, that she wrote the book “to show us how accurately naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power — it gives us the power of understanding, meaning, and choice.”

Brown uses the atlas analogy to help us understand our emotions, reflect on our experiences, and communicate more clearly with ourselves and each other. More importantly, we can learn from our experiences and those with similar experiences, and we craft strategies to move forward.

She organized her chapters on a “where we go when …” model. For instance, Chapter 3 is titled “Where we go when things don’t go as planned.” Reading this chapter helped me name my experience more clearly as one in which things aren’t going as planned. And naming this helped me confront my unrealistic expectations — and better understand my disappointment and frustration.

I realized that I forgot to ask what Brené Brown calls the big question: “Are you setting goals and expectations that are completely outside your control?” (Atlas to the Heart, p. 45). Of course I am!

If I’m honest, and I’m trying to be, this is more of a pattern than a one-time behavior. And, I can learn from this as well.

4. Keep staying present in your life, adjusting as needed

This step will be uniquely you. Sometimes we need to adjust our circumstances, perhaps by reducing our time commitments or obligations. At other times, we need to adjust our mindset (back to setting realistic expectations). And at other times, we simply benefit from being aware of what’s going on in our bodies, minds and emotions.

Often, we may need to gear up for courageous conversations with others. When we’re prepared and the time is right, we can use the new language of emotions we’re learning to more clearly express ourselves. And we do all of this with a mindful approach to healthy boundaries and being safely vulnerable.

I remember my intention for 2022: Mindful.

And when I do, my brain, body and spirit shift into a lower gear and settle ever-so-slightly. I’m not meant to solve all of this. I’m simply to notice, breathe, accept what I cannot change, courageously step into what I can, and slow down enough to wisely discern the difference.

“Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other.”

 — Reinhold Niebuhr, American Theologian, original version of serenity prayer

We have to let go of what we can’t control

We have to let the year unfold, even when we don’t like the unfolding. We cannot control our own lives with any reliability, let alone the lives of others around us.

Nor can we control the ravages of diseases, like cancer and dementia and even Covid. Relationships and other people’s emotions? Outside of our control.

We can’t control a lot of what’s happening in our worlds.

We have more control of our minds than we know

We can, almost always, bear witness to our experience and exert some control over when and how we react.

When we pay attention to our body, mind and feelings in the present moment we can recognize the signs of confusion and agitation, and consciously lean into the discomfort rather than avoiding it.

And, when we get curious about what’s underneath the surface, we gain information. With information, we can identify problems, or gaps. We can seek help. And we can continue monitoring our progress and adjusting our strategies for living this crazy, unpredictable life.

May you stay present in your life even when it’s anything but calm. May you find peace in knowing that you’re not alone as you practice being mindfully present. And, may you learn and grow in your understanding of your own body, mind, and spirit. Amen.

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If 2020 felt like a whitewater kayak ride, as it did (see Reflecting on 2020: A Year of Change). Then, 2021 has been more of traveler’s journey.

As I began the year, in Lighten up 2021, I spoke of deep processing of our first pandemic year — and heavy expectations pressuring my heart for 2021. I felt God saying to me, to us, to:

Remember this, 
You're meant to travel lightly,
Rest your body and soul,
And live your purpose
In small daily and tiny steps.

I felt as if I’d been climbing forever

And, I needed rest. Oh, how I needed rest.

And so I set out at a steady pace, determined not to rush or push 2021 one bit. But to let the journey unfold, one tiny step at a time.

I realized, I must resist old patterns over-thinking and of making things harder than they need to be. I needed to clear out the clutter of the prior year, and even years prior.

And so I set my intentions to traveling lightly

The words are right there for me to see, the “traveling lightly” way. “Rest your body and soul, and live your purpose in small daily, tiny steps.”

If we’re traveling lightly, resting, and living our purpose each day, we’re going the right way. We’re on the path.

I determined to step lightly forward, all year, reminding myself and us, again and again, to find our own rhythm and pace.

And now, we stand on the threshold of 2022.

Like travelers, we’ve reached a natural place to stop for a bit and explore the vistas of the path behind. We are at a plateau, a small resting place, a bench on which to sit and reflect.

Here, as we prepare to enter 2022, let’s pause to notice how far we’ve come. Let’s ask ourselves good questions about our journey and the threshold in which we stand.

Transitions are reflection opportunities

In these short days as one year ends and another begins, we’re in a liminal in-between place that invites contemplation. While insights may elude us, we can simply rest into this discomfort and keep asking good, curious questions.

As answers come, they’ll point the way forward.

Here are threshold questions for you

Always, a new year is a threshold. And, standing on the threshold invites us to examine the threshold where we stand. We look at what we’re leaving and where we’re entering.

If you want to travel lighter into 2022, consider questions such as:

1. Where did my journey take me in 2021? And what did I learn from the year?
2. What did I carry? And are there any burdens I can leave behind, so that I might travel lighter still? What must be carried forward and what do I want to carry forward?
3. Did I forget to pack anything that I might want to add for 2022?
4. Do I have the right traveling companions, ones that encourage and support me?
5. And, where do I see myself at the end of the year?

It’s a soft farewell, not a hard goodbye to 2021

Rest into these questions, my friend. And as you rest, let your shoulders drop and feel your breath slow again. Remember that you don’t need all of the answers right now. They’ll come, with time.

Let your load feel lighter, easier. Rest.

We stand at the threshold of new ventures

The journey continues into a new year. And, I’m realizing more and more that this is a lifelong journey, a wandering path ahead. In The Soul of a Pilgrim (a beautiful book by the way), Christine Valters Paintner says of her pilgrim journey:

“The inner pilgrim in me feels the call of moving outward. My inner pilgrim feels a longing to travel. She wants to walk across new landscapes and find herself a stranger. This helps me release what I know and enter into a deeper truth I can only find when I wander.”

Christine Valters Paintner, The Soul of a Pilgrim

We’re called to wander, on our journeys

The wandering traveler’s rhythm calms our minds and speaks to our hearts. It calls us to keep walking on, to continue to:

• Live our purpose,
• Rest and reflect,
• Take small daily and tiny steps forward,
• Enjoy the beauty around us,
• Rest more, and reflect,
• And, with a traveler’s mindset say our farewells and our hellos,
• With grateful hearts,
• As we go further up and further down the path.

“Wanderer, there is no way, the road is made by walking.”

Antonio Machado, Proverbios y Cantares

Hello, 2022!

The post Farewell, 2021 appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

Winter solstice is the darkest day of the year in the northern hemisphere — but it’s bright with the promise of light to come.

With each passing day in the weeks ahead, the light lasts a little bit longer. In the deep of winter, during this holiday holy week, the promise of steadily increasing light brings cheer.

Winter solstice greetings from the north

Here in Anchorage, it’s dark and cold, and daylight hours are short: five hours, 27 minutes and 45 seconds, to be exact. But we’re nearly 2,000 miles below the North Pole. And that got me wondering.

Just how much daylight does the North Pole have this time of year? I looked it up and I’m glad I don’t live that far north.

Santa and the elves are working in the dark for half of the year! Up there at the tip top of our world, the North Pole has seen “no sunlight or even twilight since early October.” And “the darkness lasts until the beginning of dawn in early March,” according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA).

No wonder St. Nicholas heads south for Christmas. Perhaps he’s searching for light.

When darkness overwhelms …

For some, dawn may not arrive fresh each day but may set for a season as it does at the North Pole. The nights and the days may be long and dark. But there’s hope for the light, still.

Remember, the darkness always lasts only until dawn. Winter solstice brings greetings and hope for light. And, though almost imperceptibly at first, the sunlight stays a little longer each day.

Remember to look for the light

Light, both physical and spiritual, grounds us. When light seems scarce, it’s good to remember solstice is the darkest day. We’ve moved far from the sun — but we’re turning back. And if we look closely, the light is there, like a tiny beacon at the end of a dark tunnel.

Just like that, God reminds me that this season is about turning back to him. Soon we celebrate the Light of the World, the birth of a Holy child. We pause to remember what sometimes we forget, that he’s the source of our spiritual light.

In this season, we look for the light. And, with solstice, we begin to step back into the light.

Solstice brings its greeting of new light

The darkness reminds us of the importance of light. Solstice can be a season that grounds us. And, we can seek out light in these darker seasons.

Here are a few ways to bring light into your life and home:

• Visit holiday lights displays. Tonight, we are going to see the Holiday Lights at the Alaska Botanical Garden, an annual tradition. It’s good to step into the gardens amongst colorful displays. The plants all covered in snow remind me of children nestled snug in their beds, waiting for St. Nicholas. And, visiting the garden in winter helps me remember that this can be a season of deep rest.
• Drive around town to homes decorated with lights. Tomorrow evening, I’m accompanying a friend with Alzheimers disease as her husband takes her out to see a particularly well-decorated home with a connection to music on the radio. Not only will I see the lights, but I’m helping to brighten the night for another.
• Decorate a tree. The Christmas tree in my living room upstairs can be dressed in white lights or colored lights, flickering or steady. Technology brings me the gift of pushing a button to adjust the lights.
• Light a candle. A small white candle burns in my writing studio, steady and sure, reminding me of its steady source of fuel.
• Drop your suggestion in the comments below! I’d love to hear how you find light in this season of dark.

Greetings to you on this, the darkest day of winter! May you seek light, find light, be the light in the days ahead.

The post Solstice greetings appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.

And, many of us hold space in this season for grief as well as celebration. In Alaska and other dark climates, many struggle to stay positive with the lack of light. How do we keep stepping into the light, even when it’s dark?

First, name and notice the darkness

We know about darkness in Alaska. In the deep middle of an Anchorage winter, on December 21, the sun rises at 10:14 a.m. and set at 3:42 p.m., a span of just five hours and 28 minutes of muted daylight. In Utqiaġvik (formerly known as Barrow, 330 miles north of the Arctic Circle), the sun set on November 18 and won’t rise again until January 23.

People in northern climates are very susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, a type of depression that sets in with the lack of daylight hours. But it’s not just the lack of sun that can be a problem this time of year. The holiday season can also be a time when we notice our losses or lack. We may grieve loved ones not here, or missed opportunities, especially during the pandemic. As the new year approaches, we sometimes feel the pressure of unmet expectations — or comparison to others who seem to be living the life we want to live.

When we name the darkness, we give words to what makes us feel heavy or sad.

Second, look for light sources

We know intuitively that we need darkness to appreciate the light. But, if we focus only on the darkness, we’re easily overwhelmed. Once we’ve identified the darkness, it’s important to seek out light sources!

When you’re sensitive to the changing light conditions, it’s important to note when the daylight is declining and pull out your lights! One of the main antidotes to seasonal depression is “light therapy,” or prolonged exposure to light.

Likewise, both mentally and emotionally, we have to seek out the bright spots, especially in dark seasons. It’s important to find the light that already exists in the darkness. Look for the positive and be wary of being sucked into the negative as you navigate rough times or situations.

Third, CREATE light

In the darkest of days, we have to make our light, even if it’s the tiniest of lights. In Alaska, many people hang white lights throughout the winter, not just at the holidays. These beautiful lights bring cheer to the darker season.

“It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

Similarly, we must not only focus on the positive in our life situations, but work hard to create positive outcomes. In The Lightmaker’s Manifesto, author Karen Walrond says: “If we work for the causes around which we have passion — especially if we do it in a spirit of caring, courage, and generosity — joy may naturally follow. And joy is light, right? We create light!

And finally, spread the light

There’s an old campfire song I recall, “Pass it on.” The song, written in 1969 by Kurt Kaiser, begins: “It only takes a spark to get a fire going, and soon all those around, can warm up in its glowing.”

We can be the light, the encouragement, for others. We can put lights up in our homes and yards, invite others to connect during the holiday season, and reach out to those who are hurting.

“There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”

– Edith Wharton, American Novelist

When we’re the positive voice in the room, we are the candle. When we share other positive voices, we are the mirror reflecting the light.

Practical tips for stepping into the light when it’s a darker season

Here are ways to intentionally find, create and spread the light in the darker seasons:

• Take breaks to go outside in the middle of the day, at the lightest hour. Walk, take pictures of the light shining through the trees, notice bright points.
• Seek out connection, scheduling time with friends and family.
• Notice the positive around you — and point it out to others who may not be in the right framework to notice it.
• Attend and support holiday activities such as concerts, holiday light presentations, and crafting events.
• Reach out to help those less fortunate. Volunteer at a food bank or shelter during the holiday season, or donate food and goods.
• Acknowledge and support friends who are going through dark seasons, especially those who are grieving. Know that you can’t “fix” their pain, but it may be possible to be a bright spot in an otherwise dim time.

A special note for today …

I think of this contrast between light and dark today, on Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day. On this day 80 years ago, Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, launching our country into World War II. President Roosevelt declared it as a day that would live in infamy, helping turn the tide of a terrible war. Out of darkness comes light.

December 7 holds space for me personally also, as the birthday of a dear friend who we lost too early. When I think of her in this season, I hold space for the loss of her presence — and also for her delight in the Christmas holiday. She was a crafter and made the most wonderful wooden ornaments, felted Santa Clauses and rustic snowmen. I treasure her memory as I pull out my Christmas decorations. It’s fitting that I will hang many of them on the tree later today.

In this season of dark and light, may you find yourself stepping into the light. May you find, create and spread the light to others. And, may you feel the sense of God’s presence in your life as a healing light.

The post Stepping into the light when it’s dark appeared first on Elaine Junge, Writer & Blogger.