Are you having a midlife crisis?

How do you know if you’re having a midlife crisis? And is that even “a thing” anymore? I’ve been writing in this middle adulthood space for a while and I’ve found that most women shy away from naming this middle adulthood phase as either midlife or crisis.

We don’t want to admit that we’re in midlife, because that means we’re getting old and we don’t feel old. And most of us certainly wouldn’t say we’re in imminent danger because we’re handling life just fine, thank you.

Sure, we’re navigating big and little changes, but we are strong and resourceful. But I have a hunch if you’re reading this that you sometimes wonder if you really do have it all under control. Or perhaps you wonder if you’re missing out on something?

Let’s explore this a little.

What is a midlife crisis?

To begin with, the term “midlife crisis” is not a recognized mental health diagnosis. According to Verywellmind.com, “People who are having a midlife crisis are thought to be struggling with their own mortality and, somewhere during midlife, they ditch some of their responsibilities in favor of fun. That’s why the term “midlife crisis” often causes people to picture mistresses and sports cars.”

And researchers don’t agree on what constitutes a midlife crisis. The American Psychological Association says an emotional crisis is evident from “a clear and abrupt change in behavior.” Often, the breaking or crisis point in midlife for many is not aging, but an external event such as a divorce, a move, a job change, and/or personal or family illness or death.

Mental health professionals debate if we truly go through a crisis in middle age. Just 26 percent of Americans report having had a midlife crisis.

However, many health experts agree on a consistent and significant dip in overall happiness and personal satisfaction during in this mid-life phase. Healthline reports that many men and women between 40 and 60 do go through “a prolonged period of malaise and questioning.”

Why do we dislike the phrase “midlife”?

Gail Sheehy, best-selling author of Passages, The Silent Passage, and New Passages, described the “psychic drama” of entering midlife. Western culture favors the young and paints a poor picture of middle age and aging. Plus, none of us want to face our own mortality.

In the author’s note at the beginning of the book, Sheehy wrote of entering middle adulthood as similar to watching the waves of the ocean, fearful of being swallowed by a sudden riptide.

We think of it as the beginning of the end

Inevitably, we think of midlife as the beginning of our big decline into “old age.” Sheehy described her own journey, saying:

“I too was running along the edge. The structure of my own world — the world of still-youngness where we can take our health for granted and throw ourselves at life, unprepared for inconsolable losses — was disintegrating. Since the thought of our own death is too terrifying to confront head-on, it keeps coming back in various disguises.”

But what if it’s a gift?

Whether we recognize and admit it or not, we’re no longer as young as we used to be. And, many of us in our 40s and 50s are approaching the halfway point in our expected lifespan. This is middle age, by definition.

Even 25 years ago, Sheehy’s purpose was to help us see a “rebellious purpose” in the Second Adulthood phase. She wanted us to redefine middle life and to think of passing into this new phase as a “conscious shift to another stage of life” — as a gift.

Most of us aren’t in crisis

We are strong women in our 40s and 50s and we’re getting a lot done. We’re building careers, doing meaningful work, marrying, having children. By most accounts, we’re achieving our dreams and have successful lives.

This just doesn’t feel like either midlife or a crisis. At least not in a way that we’d recognize or admit.

You may be in the process of shifting

Most of us won’t experience what has been called a midlife crisis, but instead more of a midlife shift. Over time, we begin to acknowledge that in-between space of life.

We begin to recognize that our kids grow older and more independent. We notice that we’ve settled into rhythms of work and life. Or, we begin to think more about retirement and what we want to do with the rest of our lives.

If you do experience a true emotional crisis, whether as a reaction to the prospect of aging or due to external factors, seek qualified help. There are many resources to help you deal effectively with major emotional upsets, including psychologists, psychiatrists, pastors, spiritual counselors and others. In most areas of North America, you can find free and confidential community resources by dialing 211.

Signs of shifting into midlife

Below are some ways you might notice you’re moving toward what Sheehy calls Second Adulthood. You might be shifting into midlife if you’ve ever:

• Said, “I’m not quite where I thought I’d be at this stage of my life.”
• Thought, “my kids are becoming more independent, and I’m not quite sure what’s next.”
• Yearned for a slower tempo and pace to life, for simplicity.
• Felt overwhelmed by multiple responsibilities and unsure if you’ve taken on more than you should.
• Wanted more time for reflection and thoughtful consideration.
• Found yourself reaching for unhealthy ways to unwind, destress, calm down.
• Questioned your purpose or identity, or sought deeper meaning in life.
• Explored who you’d like to be in the next phase of your life or what you’d like to do differently.
• Asked yourself, as Sheehy says, “How shall we live the rest of our lives?”

Resources for your journey

Navigating midlife has so much possibility when we approach it intentionally! For more inspiration and practical tips, check out these articles on:

• balancing midlife roles,
• navigating change,
• being in the sandwich generation,
• controlling what you can control,
• finding peace and purpose in midlife, or
• learning to prioritize self care.

Let’s do this together!