Advocating for your parents as they age

One of the things you may discover in midlife is a need to start advocating for your parents. This new role snuck up on me. I lived more than 2,500 miles away and saw my parents when I could, maybe once a year.

From a distance, everything seemed fine. Until it wasn’t. For my parents, medical issues were the breaking point. My first inkling they needed support was three years ago. Over time, I stepped into a stronger advocacy and support role.

Early in my involvement, an experienced social worker and a banker stepped in to encourage me to gain a power of attorney to help support my parents “in case they needed it.” My parents were willing to sign the document — and that turned out to be really good advice.

As their needs have grown, the power of attorney document enables me to better assist my mom and step-dad, as well as my dad. My parents make many decisions about their own care, but as an advocate, I’m positioned to help. The POA is much like the training wheels on a bike when my kids were little — there when they need a little extra support.

Advocating for parents during a pandemic

This long-distance advocacy role is more difficult with COVID-19 and a pandemic, but if anything, I’m more determined than ever. Our aging parents are caught in the conundrum of isolating for their own protection — when they need social support the most.

One good aspect of the pandemic is the increased support and focus on telemedicine. Previously when I suggested sitting in on appointments by phone, many doctors found this to be very unusual. Most accommodated once I explained the situation. But now, many providers offer virtual appointments, by phone or video services.

Advocating for your parents during crisis

When medical conditions shift unexpectedly, your advocating role needs to move into high gear. My dad’s condition in the past few months has been a series of advocating opportunities.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Dad broke his hip in March, just as COVID protocols were being implemented. His recovery had been steady, until he had another setback in the past few weeks.

After three hospitalizations, we’ve learned of a new inflammatory diagnosis. With multiple medical conditions already, Dad definitely needs support navigating potential treatment plans. The new diagnosis requires treatment that exacerbates these conditions — and sometimes makes it harder for him to focus.

This is when advocacy is hard — answers aren’t always straight-forward or simple. And yet, these times highlight the important role that being a good advocate plays in my parents’ lives.

What makes a good advocate?

I often think about what characteristics make a good advocate. Here are some thoughts that may guide you as you consider your role and unique situation:

• Bring a caring heart and kind spirit. Your parents are changing and no doubt you are also. Start with kindness, always.
• Needs-focused approach. As an advocate, you will walk a fine line between your parent’s independence and your support. Safety and security top the list of needs, and even here, you may find different standards.
• Good communication skills. Navigating changing relationships requires that you speak openly and honestly — and always with kindness and good intentions.
• Flexibility. Avoid assuming that things are status quo and be prepared to adjust according to changing needs.
• Good observational skills. When you think of yourself as an advocate, you begin to notice where your parents may need additional assistance. As you notice, this is a good time to use your communication skills and begin to ask if they might benefit from a little extra help.
• Willingness to ‘go there.’ You may have unresolved issues on both sides and facing these honestly and kindly helps you avoid or minimize potential land mines. If siblings are involved, situations can be even more complicated.
• Tenacity and determination — This is where ‘Mama Bear’ starts to kick in. I’ll talk more about this in a later post but, much like a mama bear watches out for her cubs, a good advocate will step into this mode with parents!

Advocating for parents as they age is important

As your parents age the roles begin to shift, perhaps imperceptibly at first, and then more clearly. A good advocate recognizes and prepares for these shifts by keeping an open mind and a compassionate heart.

Later, we’ll talk more about specific areas of advocacy. As your parents age, you can advocate for them by helping them adjust to their own changing needs, helping family members see and understand changes, and gradually beginning to advocate within the medical and potentially caregiving communities.

Advocating for aging parents can be a delicate balance. And always, the best advocates have a great deal of heart and a commitment to ensuring parents are well cared for as they age.

As you seek to honor your father and mother, may you have a strong heart, caring hands and smart mind!