A roadmap for midlife? Yes, please!

In midlife, a roadmap seems elusive. A roadmap for midlife? Yes, please, sign me up!

But is there really a roadmap for midlife? I spoke with a friend recently about what it’s like to be a woman in midlife. She observed that when she was young, she knew how to navigate the life ahead of her. She had a roadmap and clear expectations: build a career, make a life with someone, have kids if that’s what you want to do. As young women, most of us approached life with a certain determination — and a confidence that we controlled our destiny. I was that young woman.

I had a basic roadmap – wedding, career, children

And I willingly hopped on the hamster wheel, unsuspecting. Life was good, with big milestones and accomplishments — degrees, wedding, births. There was a certain momentum to life, and, I realize only later, an increasingly fast pace and accumulation of more and more responsibilities. And expectations. I heaped them on myself, but others did too. a fast pace and little time for rest.

As a working mother, I felt as though I had little control of my own life at times. I had a busy job, with demanding work responsibilities, endless change and shifting priorities. My husband had two busy careers, military and civilian life, with lots of travel and eventually a 15-month deployment. And my daughters grew increasingly more independent, yet still needed attention — and I wanted to be there for them. The older they got, the more I realized how precious were these moments together.

But my roadmap only went so far

And somewhere in there, life became a roller coaster. Rather than charting my own course, I was reacting to life.

Looking back, I was pulled in so many different directions, with multiple often competing priorities. I was on the ‘hamster wheel’ trying to keep up, and doing my best to do my best, at EVERYTHING.

And inevitably, as women in midlife, we experience unexpected surprises. We face illness ourselves or in a family member. We lose a close friend. Our friends go through difficult circumstances – physical or mental illness, losing a loved one or marital/child difficulties. Our parents need our support. And it’s not all catastrophic, life events such as graduations or weddings, though more expected, can often be all-consuming.

Honestly, it can feel a bit out of control sometimes. Like a roller coaster ride, we experience periods of excitement, anxiety, sheer terror and in between some straight stretches that are so tame, they are almost boring.

And the reality is there is no single roadmap

Living like this can be exhausting. And at some point, many of us pause to ask how we regain a semblance of control over our own lives.

The truth is difficult: we cannot control everything, no matter how hard we try.

And yet the truth also sets us free. For people of faith, this is when we turn to God, and stop trying to control it all. We surrender. Again. Daily. We surrender to Him who is omnipotent, omniscient, sovereign.

We, in fact, cannot have it all

As women in our 50s, 60s, or even 70s, we were told that we could have it all: husband, work, career. The best of the best, in everything. Cinderella?? That initial roadmap for life? It. Is. Not. Real.

Midlife is when we step back and realize that we are not the masters of our life. Indeed, we are subject to many different impacts on our lives. We have successes and we have challenges. Midlife is different for everyone.

And yet? In the end, we emerge more realistic about we can expect from life. As my friend observed, we know now that “life is a mixed bag” of joys and disappointments, happiness and grief. We have a lot of experiences “under our belt,” we have developed resilience, and we do our best to stay positive as life unfolds in front of us.

We create our own roadmap

We find our way forward a step at a time. We learn the skills we need to negotiate midlife. We begin to create our own roadmap.

Even as we are increasingly less involved in the lives of our children — and for a time many of us lose our moorings and drift — we may begin to perceive how our life matters. Our scope widens beyond our immediate family. We recognize that we have the opportunity to influence others and that the world needs us. Indeed, the world needs our unique gifts.

And that’s when we can begin to develop our own roadmap. My roadmap is an ever-changing work in progress at this point, but I have learned a few things that may help you!

Here are 5 essential steps to creating your own successful midlife roadmap:

Creating a personal midlife roadmap can be a fun process — but it can be daunting to begin. Here are five essential steps to get you started and ensure that your roadmap takes you where you want to go:

1. Start where you are — Knowing your current location makes it much easier to build your roadmap. It always helps to have at least a general idea of where you are now. Write down a few things about your current situation in life. At this stage, you want to be realistic about your life, identifying both positive aspects and challenges or obstacles you may need to overcome.
2. Pick a destination — Start by imagining you are at the end of your life and looking back. You can find a few tips and questions to ask yourself in my blog post Jump start your own midlife timeout. In general, think about what would give you the greatest sense of accomplishment or satisfaction with your life. Be prepared to dream big! You may not have all the answers yet, but it’s important to have a general idea of where you are headed.
3. Assess your resources — In particular, what gifts do you have that you would like to use more? What do you bring to the table? And on the flip side, what are you missing? Do you need more education to reach your goals? Are you lacking a good support network? Is there a financial gap, and if so, what steps can you take to resolve it?
4. Identify key milestones — While you may not yet have a complete roadmap, identify one simple step to take you closer to your destination — and do that thing. We reach our destinations by taking a single step forward at a time. If you are looking for inspiration, I love Emily Freeman’s most recent book, The Next Right Thing.
5. Begin your journey! Begin even if your roadmap is a work in progress. Begin even if you are scared. I had Chinese takeout this week, and my fortune cookie message speaks to just this: “If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.” And if you need a pep talk, I highly recommend Ruth Soukup’s recent book, Do It Scared.

And, remember, a roadmap is really just a guide — if the initial destination doesn’t work out, or if you have to take a detour, you can adjust later!

I wish you the best as you reimagine yourself in midlife! May you think about midlife differently and courageously step out to create your own unique roadmap! And may God guide you and bless you on your journey.