What I learned by moving three parents in two days into an assisted living home

1. Despite preparation, timing will be unpredictable

Moving your parents into assisted living is a big decision and once the ball starts rolling it moves quickly. I’ve had an active role in managing my parents’ financial and medical affairs for about 18 months. In that time, mom and my step dad began receiving assistance from an in-home caregiver and dad moved into an assisted living home in their home town. We had a good routine in place for their daily care and ongoing needs.

We all knew that changes would need to be made, so we selected an assisted living home in a nearby town and added their names to the wait list. This facility accepts medicaid, we liked the staff and atmosphere, and we knew it would be a good fit for them. We were pretty far down the wait list and knew that it was a lengthy process. Fortunately we weren’t in a hurry and did a lot of “down-sizing” knowing that a move would one day come.

And when the opportunity came, our window was tight

I checked in regularly with the facility but was still surprised when the rooms became available for move-in with less than two weeks of notice. In mid-June, the facility director called me to offer mom and my stepdad a one-bedroom room. Within a few days, she called to say she had a studio apartment available for dad, similar to the one he had but medicaid eligible once he completed financial qualifications. Both apartments were available for occupancy by July 1st — less than two weeks out.

2. Let your parents make the decision to move

I have power of attorney to assist all three of my parents, but when it comes to major decisions, I view my role as part advisor, part reality-check. I help them look at advantages and disadvantages, understand their finances and the various supporting systems, and weigh the options. But ultimately, as long as they are able, I want my parents to make major decisions such as when to move into assisted living.

Mom and my stepdad had to consider the trade-off of more activities and 24-hour assistance while giving up a certain level of freedom and flexibility. My dad (already in assisted living), had to leave friends and a community he’d come to enjoy for the future benefit of reduced financial stress.

All three of my parents opted to accept these new living arrangements — and set the wheels in motion for an unprecedented move of three people and their two separate households. The kicker — we had less than two weeks to make the move!

3. Once the decision is made, kick it into high gear.

Once the decision to move was made, I quickly rebooked airplane tickets for the following week. At this point in my life, I feel fortunate to have a flexible schedule and sufficient airline status to avoid change fees. Next I contacted family members to begin coordinating the move, gave notice on behalf of my parents for their current living situations, and worked with existing caregivers to give them notice and secure their assistance with the transition.

Once I was “on the ground” in Oregon, I did more organizing and preparing. I arranged for a site visit soon after I arrived. This worked out well because we hadn’t been there in a while and we could see the rooms with an immediate move in mind. We also took measurements of the rooms and key pieces of furniture since we knew we had additional down-sizing for mom and step-dad. We had to make tough decisions about which furniture to keep and this saved us from moving more than would fit into the space.

4. Be prepared for a move-in during the week

Initially I planned the move for a Saturday, thinking this worked best for recruiting friends and family to help. After discussing this plan with the assisted living facility, however, I learned that mid-week moves work better due to facility staffing.

During the week, the facility operates with many more staff members, including the director, the nurse, and an activities manager. On most weekends, the facility operates with just two caregivers and a medical technician. By moving in on a Thursday, we had access to more staff members, providing a smoother experience for my parents and for the facility (especially with three new guests).

5. Streamline the move — and enlist family and friends

The best decision I made was renting a moving van for two days. My sister-in-law and I worked out a plan that executed beautifully. We picked the van up at 9am on Wednesday, loading everything from both households except the beds and last-minute items in the one day. On Thursday morning, we took apart beds, loaded the final items and drove the 20 miles to their new homes. We spent the rest of Thursday unloading everything and getting their two rooms in habitable condition. Over the next several days, we hung pictures and finished unpacking boxes to get them settled.

I was fortunate to have three brothers in the area, although the mid-week timing made it more challenging. Luckily, one of my brothers has his days off on Wednesdays and Thursdays. My sister-in-law and my nephew both had Wednesday off work as well. And by a sheer miracle, another brother had Thursday available to help since he was transitioning to a new job.

The caregiver for my mom and step-dad was a tremendous help during the week. She was also moving to a new job but ended up with a delayed start and thankfully was able to assist more than planned. As an added bonus, she recruited her son in law for another strong back to help with the heavy lifting.

6. Be prepared for the paperwork.

I worked in the financial services industry for more than 30 years, so I understand paperwork. This move brought my perspective to a whole new level. Part of my challenge was simply filling everything out in triplicate. But even aside from that, a move to assisted living requires forms such as:

• Change of address requests (post office, doctors’ offices, SSI, social services, friends, veterinarians, etc.)
• Application form
• Regulatory forms
• Lease agreement
• Care plans
• Survey of interests
• Dietary needs/desires analysis
• Direct deposit forms
• Feet treatment agreements (usually 3rd party)
• Hair care agreements (usually 3rd party)
• and others

Allow yourself (and your parents, if they’re helping) plenty of time. With so much physical moving to do, you will be pulled in a million different directions. Plan for three to four hours of paperwork, medication intake, interviews, etc.

7. Slow your pace and give your parents space

My parents are in their late 70s and early 80s, a common age to move into assisted living. Even though my brothers and I managed all the logistics and did the heavy lifting, the the additional walking alone challenged them. And mentally, they had a lot of newness to grasp. My mom commented that she had moved back and forth from Brazil with four kids, this shouldn’t be a challenge — (I didn’t say this aloud), but she was younger then.

When we’re younger physically and mentally, we manage change more readily. As we age, routine becomes more important and helps us navigate and adjust. A major change such as this requires time to settle into and accept.

My parents are adapting to changes such as:

• Giving up furniture or personal items that they’ve had for years
• Adjusting to a bed facing a different direction from the doorway
• A shared dresser
• No washer/dryer to stage your clothes on as they have in the past
• A new “down-sized” and more modern television, with different channels
• Meals in a community dining hall
• Activities posted on a bulletin board
• A more complex medicine schedule, with new people delivering meds
• And, for mom and my stepdad, no car right outside the door

When it’s time to move your parents …

The best thing you can do for your parents when they’re moving into a new environment is be patient. Try not to move too quickly (although you have much to do), explain carefully and succinctly, and repeat as necessary. Introduce them to the people that can help them in the facility and be ready to take a few more calls (or visits if you’re close by) than usual. Take time to reassure them, and to remind them they are capable and they have new resources to help! And most of all, allow them to share about the losses – and then remind them of all they’ve gained in this new environment.

If you and your parents are facing a similar move, I wish you the best. I am so grateful for the time I am spending with my parents in this phase of their lives. I know that each moment is a precious gift!

Whatever your relationship with your parents, may you find time and space to connect with them. If you’re facing a similar move, I pray for strength, wisdom and patience for you and all of your family members. May you grow closer together, reconnect, and share laughter and smiles! And if your parents are gone – consider adopting someone — life can be lonely as you age and you have a lot to offer.