Finding your roots and wings when you’ve lost a parent
Finding your roots and wings takes on new meaning when you’ve lost a parent. Dad’s been gone just three weeks today and I find myself often untethered, floating, and a bit lost. Still, as I move quietly and slowly through this new phase, I am noticing also a deeper grounding.
Fifty seven years I spent with Dad in my life. I’m not quite certain what it means to go forward without his steadying influence. I’m a “grown-up woman,” more than 40 years away from home. So why does this loss seem to strike at the core of who I am?
I’m not sure, but I think it has to do with roots.
After Dad passed away, as we were going through his belongings and preparing for the celebration of his life, I found myself often searching for meaning. Surrounded by reminders of his love for all of us was comforting and yet so lonely without him.
Instinctively, I sought out experiences he loved. I hopped in his old Chevy pick-up and pointed the wheel in every direction on roads he’d traveled many times in his 60 years living in Central Oregon. I headed for the mountains and forests, parking the pick-up and walking with my camera in hand. I took pictures, prayed, watched for sights and experiences he would have loved. Inevitably, I saw a bird, a deer, or a beautiful flower — and I could feel Dad’s steadiness growing inside of me.
Roots come from shared experiences
On the day of the service for Dad, after all of the family togetherness and as I was preparing to return to Alaska, I returned to the cemetery to say goodbye. We chose his resting place well, under an old Juniper tree with weathered bark and experience in its roots and limbs. I felt peaceful, yet lonely. As I was preparing to leave, I walked a few short steps — and from a nearby field, three does and 5 baby fawns emerged.
The sight was a gift. But even more so was their presence. These deer settled in around me, eyes peering at me intently. As I stood rooted to the ground, camera in hand, they took tentative steps toward me, curious and somehow comforting in their approach. I felt surrounded by love, comforted in my grief, and hopeful for this new future.
Good roots also give us wings
At this moment, my future seems more about wings than roots. Not only am I flying on without my father, but my girls are springing wings as well. They’re both in their mid-twenties, well past the fledgling stage. And yet, they’re on the verge of further flights from the nest. One, newly engaged, and one moving into her first home.
Flying on without those that have given us deep roots is the natural order of things. All of this. Growth, change, even death. And yet, in times of change, we do need to reach both inward and outward for the roots that steady us.
We need the deep reassurance that comes from soul work, from the roots of our life with God and our life with our parent(s). We need the steady love of a father, both an imperfect earthly one and an always more than perfect heavenly one.
And with wings we always need our roots
I’m finding steady solace in reading God’s word, sorting through Dad’s things — and in the beauty of observing the natural world. I like to think of this last piece as watching God paint a grand moving picture. I truly believe He’s always at work, not just for me, but for anyone that’s watching. Each day as my husband and I head out on our walk, we look up to the mountains and the sky.
Every day is a new picture, a new gift to welcome us. This morning, as raindrops fell ever so slightly, the sun peaked out between the clouds over the mountains. We were both a little weary, speaking of just taking it a step at a time in a long journey adapting to our changing world. The light shining through reminded us that God’s light is always there, though sometimes obscured by clouds.
And sometimes, his love shines through in the song of a bluebird or the gaze of a deer. You just have to look to see it.
Roots & wings
I leave you with these wise words penned in the poem, “Roots & Wings,” by Denis Waitley, author and speaker:
If I had two wishes, I know what they would be
I’d wish for Roots to cling to, and Wings to set me free;
Roots of inner values, like rings within a tree;
and Wings of independence to seek my destiny.
Roots to hold forever to keep me safe and strong,
To let me know you love me, when I’ve done something wrong;
To show me by example, and helps me learn to choose,
To take those actions every day to win instead of lose.
Just be there when I need you, to tell me it’s all right,
To face my fear of falling when I test my wings in flight;
Don’t make my life too easy, it’s better if I try,
And fail and get back up myself, so I can learn to fly.
If I had two wishes, and two were all I had,
And they could just be granted, by my Mom and Dad;
I wouldn’t ask for money or any store-bought things.
The greatest gifts I’d ask for are simply Roots and Wings.
May you find both roots and wings in your life today. May you slow your pace, open your eyes and notice the beauty around you. And may you feel God’s presence in your heart and life.
